Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Heartbroken and feeling stupid......

sandybeach888
sandybeach888

Hi, I'm 53 and I've been separated for years.  After a horrible separation of an abusive husband I finally had the courage to start dating after 15 years of raising my girls on my own.  


Long story short.....we were together for 11 months.  We agreed to always be honest with each other.  He was on his own for the last 2 years after another painful divorce (3rd time for him).  


When we met....we hit it off right away. He admitted that he was a little 'messed' and didn't want his family to know because he's a cop and should be stable.


Approx a week before Valentines Day I asked him if he wanted to get together to curl up to a movie. He replied 2 days later stating no and that he was sorry but he said 'love = pain' and he wants nothing to do with love.  That was the last time I heard from him in a positive way.


He disappeared and within 1 week he was with a new girlfriend. They've posted pictures together online stating their relationship. I'm left trying to pick up the pieces and attempt to understand why??  I'm hurt and confused.  I'm not mad or angry....I just don't understand why he was with me for so long if he didn't care.   


Any help would be apprciated!

Atpeacemary
Atpeacemary
It has nothing to do with you. You said that it was his third divorce that he was trying to get over. That was a big huge red flag for me. Hon, I do not think that he was always honest with you, him finding a girlfriend within a week of dropping you speaks volume about his character. Hun, you dodged a load of heartache. Just try and see it that way. You will be fine. Hugs
sandybeach888
sandybeach888
Thanks for taking your time to read my posts. I'm learning...slowly but learning. At least it was only 11 months. I enjoyed his company. I think I'll miss what I thought I had. I definitely won't miss his lies. Enjoy your night.
Dandelion
Dandelion
Yes, this isn't about you.

This is one of those guys that can't handle INTIMACY, not sex, real emotional closeness and intimacy.

Yet, he doesn't want to be alone, so he'll go from one relationship to another, always sabotaging and bailing when things get emotionally "uncomfortable"

Seriously, thank GOD he's gone and that you're now available for someone not so damaged and incapable of a meaningful relationship.

He'll keep the new one for as long as she allows his shallow, superficial idea of a relationship to continue, but he'll ditch her in a heartbeat if she tries to get too close.
Dandelion
Dandelion
Men like this need to be placed in a special home for those too damaged to interact with the rest of society. Lol
sandybeach888
sandybeach888
lol...your posts have made me laugh for the first time in a few weeks. Thank you. Dandelion and Atpeacemary....thank you. You're right....he can't handle intimacy and he hates to be alone. It's like you know him.
Dandelion
Dandelion
Jerks like that are everywhere.

They think no one has their number. WRONG!
sandybeach888
sandybeach888
My eyes are beginning to open.....I'll wait for a while before I try dating again. This time I'll be a lot smarter. Enjoy your night.
Dandelion
Dandelion
You too :)
sandybeach888
sandybeach888
I'm feeling better with each day. I know that I'll never find the answers that I'm looking for. This was my first relationship in almost 30 years.....15 years since being on my own raising my girls......

I should have started dating years ago. But, my youngest daughter had serious health problems and I put all my energy into doctors appointments and helping my oldest daughter.

Today, both my girls are fantastic and doing well. I have a granddaughter (11 months old) and my youngest daughter is in her last year at university. Their father left them years ago and they have not seen him or spoken to him. His loss.....

I'll pick my pieces and reflect so that I try not to make the same mistakes again. I look forward to my future now. I just want to be smarter.

Thanks everyone :)
seventhdoor_nmw
seventhdoor_nmw
I'm so sorry for you. I also noticed that it was his third divorce - never a good sign, right? It really sounds as if maybe he lacks the emotional maturity to commit to anything beyond the surface and when he sensed things getting 'out of his depth' with you he ran to the next available "easy" relationship. Always seems to so easy to see these things and say them when looking from the outside. So hard when we're the ones in it. :( Bravo to you for raising your girls and prioritizing them as they grew up. Now you can focus on you and finding someone deserving of your time and attention.
Misred
Misred
Boy I had something similar happen to me. Dated a man I met in school. He also had been married three times. Things were moving along fine, then no contact. Then a phone call...said he decided not to pursue the relationship. A little later, well, months later, he's married someone else.

We can only guess what's in their heads...I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean we were not good enough....just means we were not what they were looking for...and maybe if we actually knew what that was, we'd probably say, "no thanks." (((HUGS))) You probably dodged a bullet.
sandybeach888
sandybeach888
Thanks for your thoughts......
3rd time is definitely not a good sign.....
That's what I'm thinking.....he ran to another easy relationship. I think you guys are right...I think I dodged a bullet. Regardless of how much it hurts....I'm glad I'm feeling the pain now and not in another 6 months or 1 year.
Enjoy your night everyone and thanks x
chaoticjoy
chaoticjoy
I’m so sorry you are going through this, it’s so tough to build up the confidence to start dating as a single mom after a divorce, and situations like this make it even more challenging. Social media doesn’t help either. I can see how you would be both hurt and confused when you saw the posts of him with someone else. I was a single mom too, and found dating to be extremely challenging. It took a while but I finally found someone who complimented me, someone I could trust. It actually started as more of a friendship than anything else. When things like this happen it’s easy for our minds to overthink things and think in some way, we’re not good enough, but in reality, that is not the case. You are good enough, you have proven to be an awesome mom and I am sure you have great things in store for your future. Just don’t let this one bad experience shape how you think of dating, there’s plenty of “good guys” out there waiting for you!
Dandelion
Dandelion
I found someone online named Cynthia Occelli..

She's just really positive. Not necessarily about relationships with men, but building a positive life.

I find it really really empowering.
sandybeach888
sandybeach888
Thanks for the info :) I'll search her name.
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