I feel your pain. I'll tell you that there is a silver lining in a divorce. Divorcing and moving on is like the ability to live two different life. Most people only get to live one. What will you do in your second life? Start planning and it'll make things a bit exciting and help you move on.

@amcole, we have been to counseling several times in our marriage and he and I have also seen counselors on our own. The thing is he had been lying to us all, or should I say hiding. He is addicted to porn and it has finally caught up with him. My problem was that I would never have suspected he'd be unfaithful. I feel like a fool and need to take better care if myself. I am in counseling now as is he, we are proceeding with legal separation to see what happens, but I feel blessed with the support of this group to help me take care of myself. It has me thinking a lot clearer. Thanks for your reply. Hope you too are in a better place emotionally.

@soundwave, thanks for the encouragement. I have to remember each door closed can mean a new door opening. Thanks for your support.

Just today, I changed my lock screen picture on my computer.

There are SO MANY damn financial messes that my ex continues to create, because he can't let go of the "dream" (of the brand new "look at me" house he built). He's resisting every avenue at closing the house sale that's been pending for 6 weeks, bringing more financial devastation to him (and me, but who cares about me, right?). Every day brings a slew of new messes, new preposterous propositions from him - I feel like a warrior in the heat of battle. I found a female dragon slayer screen saver (took awhile to find one that wasn't on the verge of porn, which doesn't adorn every other teenaged boy's bedroom walls - lol) and now I get encouragement from that.

I'm trying to define my life as MINE every day, in any kind of big or small way. We are all an army of dragon slayers, I'm going to visualize that. Thanks to all fellow slayers.

I completely understand how you feel. My ex-husband cheated on me in the past as well and I lost all trust in him yet still love him with everything I have. Everyone keeps saying it will be okay but they do not live what we are living right now. I wish just one person would hug me while I cry and just not say it'll be okay and walk away. I too am trying to figure out how to get myself going everyday. I wish you luck in your journey, its a tough one.

@jojored ❤️Keep strong, Dragon Slayer! You can do this!

@campzmom5, I had an epiphany, or maybe just am beginning to see the light, but today felt better than yesterday. And yesterday was better than the day before. It does get better. But tonight I talked with my daughter who doesn't know yet that her father cheated. It made me sad to have to keep skirting the issue, but I feel it's not my story to tell, it's his responsibility to fess up. I didn't bad mouth or appear sad, just avoided the issue. I'm finding avoidance helps. At first it was all I could think about, now I'm finding I'm more able to distract myself. See if you can do anything but think of him. Good luck to you as well ❤️

@jojored, wow you must be psychic! I was just about to post I'm having a down day, losing resolve, can I get some hugs, when yours came in. Thanks so much and hope something good happens to you today!

Based on my personal experience re this subject, your pain will last for as long as you remain in love with your husband. I have experienced heartbreak twice in my life, once it nearly drove me to and, the second time it did drive me to attempt to end my ????. Whatever you do avoid going there because no one is worth that. You WILL come through this because you are made of the stuff that guarantees it. Heartbreak is the worst emotional pain of all but, once conquered it makes the heart bulletproof. I feel your pain darling and, I wish you well on your journey to guaranteed recovery.

Becky123 I was married 32 years when I had to divorce. My life was much like yours except I handled all the money. Traded for the new trucks and the houses we lived in across several states.
That decision is not easy to make and I know how you struggled to get where you are today. My ex is a narcissist and there is no way to get anyone like that to change. They just find another way to hide what they are doing. So many women in his life that he hid from me but I did know about one very early in our marriage. Then he went overseas to work temp jobs that lasted ten years. Porn yes, at least four cases of beer in the house each week.

I should have left earlier than I did but I trusted too much and stayed too long. What broke the camels back for me was the Chinese woman I found he had married overseas. I filed for divorce and tried hard to never look back. He thought when the divorce was done he could come back "home". I don't know where he got that idea; it wasn't from me. Much like jojored he got difficult after the divorce was final. It took another six years to get financially untangled from him. I had to take him back to court three times after the divorce. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I can tell you that your life will be good again. It just depends on what you want to make of the rest of your life. He had to sign the farm over to me which for me was fair because I put all the work into making 34 acres of bare ground into a thriving home for me and the horses that are on here. He got his Chinese wife into the states to care for him. He missed so much while he was gone. He hasn't even seen his grandson who is now four. He no longer emails our daughter. Cheating is his way of life and he will never change. My farm is now mortgage free and my truck is paid off. I have seven horses boarded on my farm to help pay the bills. Life is good again and I work hard to keep it that way. You can find a new life on your terms. It takes work and determination but you will make that new life.

Light at the end if the tunnel - there's hope. Thanks. I just wish I could stay even keel instead of up and down. I have to deal with him to sell house, etc, but looking forward to be disentangled from him. It's nice to see someone made it to the other side.

@PerryW I think I still do love him. My counselor said I know what I have to do, but just don't want to. I can't get over the affair. Why do they do this? He says he loves me and will make it up, but I know that's not true. If I could get my heart and head in same page it would be much easier.