I'm so so sorry. The road is going to be very emotional for awhile. It's normal and you need to tell yourself it's okay to mourn because it is. Try to find one thing that makes YOU smile each day. Journal your thoughts. It helps to write your feelings down. If you haven't told him yet, start making a plan to protect yourself. Get copies of everything. Get credit set up in your name if you don't already have your own card. Get your own bank account etc. Go speak to a few attorneys in your area and get an idea of the road ahead. Most will offer a complimentary meeting. Just call and ask. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk one on one. It will get better. Sending hugs and strength.

Thanks. Good advice and I feel better having someone to talk to. I just can't seem to pull myself together.

Stormy darkness will last a long time, it just does, it helped me to stop wondering about the duration of such - that way I didn't feel like I was behind an "acceptable schedule"

It is sad to leave a marriage, much sadder to stay married to someone that is not worthy of your trust

please know that the stormy darkness does pass, know that you honored your vows,

Honor yourself, you'll be ok

The hard part is that you feel better, then it hits again. I just googled divorce buster 180. It's like a to do list for getting by. Armed with that and your reassurance, I feel better already. Thanks for your kind words. They really help a lot.

I have some similarities with you - married 30 years, ex also horrible with communication - he avoided it at all costs and he financially devastated us. I'm 55, newly divorced, and also thought my life was over. Divorced at my age, after all those years, and with 2 kids still in school (17&19). I'm here to tell you that there is a great life afterwards. There's a power you might start to feel, I think, after you finally make the decision and get out of limbo. Yes, there are lots of times you'll be clobbered by the realization that the marriage is over; all the pain you went through just doesn't go away when you divorce. Give yourself plenty of time to be able to get back to a new version of you. You'll never go back to who you were, but you'll formulate a you which works for you as you are now.

First, this is your call. But if you are having communication problems, I can make some suggestions. First, I get the sense there are communication problems on both sides.

1. Read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It is a good book about how men and women approach things differently and you two seem to have typical gender based issues.

2. Men look to solve problems and you two have some financial issues. Your post does not explain how they should be solved, it simply blames him and says he is and has been a failure. Not surprisingly, he limits communication because such communication may involve far more blame than problem- solving, why did you spend this, how are we going to pay for x, why didn't you take care of y, who is going to deal with z. I know when driving, women do not provide directions such as in 3 blocks you take a left on Maple, then go on Route 12 for 2 miles but instead talk about what had gone wrong, why didn't you check about the directions, don't you know mapquest will lead you a crazy way, how are we going to get home on time, why didn't you leave earlier, statements none of which help solve any problem.

3. In terms of communication, you want to help do a male type communication which focuses on solving problems and reducing blame.

4. Pleasantness Many women have two levels of communication, a pleasant, nice, supportive, caring one they use with people they do not know well, and a sometimes sarcastic, critical one, with people they do. I asked a woman relative who had some concerns about her daughter's home, why don't you speak nicer to her, start with a compliment, end with a compliment, soften your statements, and my relative said, look she's my daughter, I don't have to soft-pedal things around her. Unfortunately men do not like that and after the second negative comment will either counter-attack or shut down.

5. It sounds like this has pervaded your intimate life, you criticize him, he's mad at you, you're mad at him, so one cannot imagine a great intimate life. Again, to solve this, you need to create a supportive environment.

You may decide it isn't worth it and that's your call. And I have focused on things you can do while not doubting that he has probably mishandled money, concealed things from you and periodically lied. I do think you two are in a bad pattern or loop and need to get out of it.

@Bobby5000 very true, practical wisdom.

@Bobby5000, @Jamess, We read the book the first time we had marital/financial problems. Result was I had to change my method of communication to meet his needs, which I did. He did not. He continued to conceal things from me for "fear of hurting me" but basically he lied. 2nd time through counseling, the counselor told me that he was not willing to change and I needed to decide if I could stay or not. I got a better job and we separated things financially (my bills/your bills) so that would no longer be an issue and I thought that would solve the problem. He ran up new credit cards instead. I thought we were both saving for retirement, but he was sending some other woman money while making up stories to me asking for money. I have tried everything. The one thing you were spot on about was that it is a bad pattern or loop and that I need to get out.
Thanks for trying, but I think I'm to the point where I'm tired of adjusting my behavior to his needs. I think that's why this is so hard for me. I have worked really hard to get thus far in our marriage and was proud to say we made it through ups and downs for 34 years and we finally were over the hump, when he crossed the line into infidelity in addition to financially ruining us again.
I'm devasted with myself to see how much I've changed to accommodate him. I need to find that strong, capable person I was and not this devasted, crying mess that I am now.

@jojored Thanks for the support. This group has been a godsend for me. I'm embarrassed about my failed marriage, my husband is addicted to porn and just crossed the line into infidelity along with financial ruin. I can and have resolved myself with the financial aspect, but can't get past the infidelity. I even try to approach from the view that as a sex addict he has a disease and I wouldn't leave him if he had cancer, etc., but I'm not sure he has hit rock bottom because he can't/won't change. I can't keep going through this again and again. We resolve things, work on things and then the other shoe falls and I find out he's lying again. Now he's lying and cheating. I think I hit my rock bottom where I can no longer accept this life and need to make a change. Thanks for your kind words and support. It helps more than you know.

@krystalelliot, thanks for the advice but not sure I want him back. Glad it worked out for you.

@refurb, thanks, your words mean a lot. Strength comes in many forms and your words of support help me get through another day.

@Bobby5000 - "men look to solve problems" - lol, didn't realize till now that I'm a man!! These are broad generalizations, let's not forget that.

@Becky123, my ex is passive aggressive, and I have a slight understanding of how he grew into the way of communication that he has. It started when he was a kid, not in response to me, so instead of tire ironing him, I too have to view him as having a mental or emotional illness. Divorced 2 months, the financial mess is still around. He won't do anything to rectify it, I'm doing it all. It's good that you separated the finances while married, to whatever extent you could. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

@bobby5000, thanks again for your comments and suggestions. It did give me something to think about. You're right in that communication is a two way street, he was not hearing me and I was not hearing him. He also lied which is I think what is hard for me to rectify. I keep trying to make sense out of something that doesn't make any sense at all. I feel like if I can figure out why, I can fix it. The problem is only he knows why - and he has admitted even he doesn't know why he lied and cheated- do there's not much else I can do. I even feel ashamed for thinking my marriage was immune since I thought we had worked so hard on it, but I was the only one working at it. He was in la la Land living two lives. That fall from my high horse really hurt a lot too. Everyday, new thoughts, new resolutions, new emotions. I'd just like to get off this roller coaster. As they say, change what I can, accept what I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference.

@jojored, it's much easier putting one foot on front of the other when someone is walking beside you. That someone was you this morning when I read your post. Thanks! I'm looking forward to a good day.

Look if he is sending money to another woman, etc, then perhaps its enough. Then you should be able to look at this calmly, say I have had enough, not bad-mouth him to children and family and say its just not working out. One point is that men are simply yes or no, go or not go, and perhaps that would make sense for you- you reviewed this, determined its not working, get some fresh air and go on to the next stage in your life.