I am sorry, it is such a battle. I struggle with it daily also. Letting go of the emotions of the heart is so hard to do. You are not alone in feeling this way.

I can sympathize with your plight TSand. I was once where you are at now.

It took me a couple weeks to shake the cobwebs and come to my senses. Once someone lies and cheats the trust is irreparably damaged, IMO. Once the foundation is cracked, the building is bound to fail. Damn that structural integrity!!!!

But its true. Its ok to hurt, i'd be disappointed in ya if you didnt. But it gets better, little by little. Sure, there will be some setbacks....but sometimes we have to take a step backwards to take two steps forward.

Be cool, and hang tough.

You will hurt if she comes back also,, her presense is not going to change what she did! She forsake her children and you... If she comes back your life will be filled with confusion and constant anxiety with the question of "when will she do it again". It is like pulling off a band aid. It will hurt for a while, but it is better to just get it over with!
I understand you pain and we are all here for you if you need us!
Hugs!

I know- I would still take mine back too. I realize we would both have to make some pretty big changes but if gave any indication he was willing to try I would be right there. He's made it clear he isn't but I still have hope if I make some changes for ME he may still come around- if not I'll be better anyways- so focus on you , stay positive and maybe she will see just what she left! Foundations CAN be repaired if both people WANT to work at it!

I feel the same way sometime but we have too move on. I need to start going to the gym so I can feel better

I feel the same way. My head tells me all the right things and is clear on what I need to do, but my heart and emotions are different. I am struggling with those very things this morning. I WISH I HAD AN ANSWER! I am at work totally distracted and unable to focus.

I just got off the phone with my STBX, talking about the house, kids, finances, etc. I am so angry that she ended our relationship, yet my heart says differently. In the end, I think we all know that most of the time, it's better for us to move on and find someone who will treat us the way we want and deserve to be treated. That's my 2 cents.

Your heart and your head will duke it out ocassionally.

Your head comes in with logical arguments, trying to look out for your overall well-being.

Your heart sulks in a corner and just plain ole makes you feel miserable.

Eventually, your heart will listen to your head, but it takes time. Time and distance.

I'm sure your head is telling you that you deserve better than that. That you don't need the increased risk of STDs and other things out there that can make you way more miserable than you are now.

I'm sure your head is telling you that, unless she's sorry, she's going to keep cheating on you. And you deserve better than being someone's second best.

And I'm sure your head is telling you that your heart is an idiot and wishes it would shut up. ;)

TSand - the heart can't be controlled at first but given time eventually the heart gives up and the mind takes control back. I've said this before and I'll say it again, its incredible how strong a grip our heart has on us!

All I can say is I feel you pain. I know exactly how you hurt. The difference is, I know mine would come back. But I can't live like that. However, I am not doing too good living without him. Like you I hurt ALL the time and it is the worst pain I have ever known. Try to do something, anything. Get out and laugh...or try.

I hear ya! I feel the same way.

TSand

I'm so sorry for your pain. I wanted to say that the other side also hurts. I married my STBX from my head (he was handsome, smart, successful, funny) but my heart had huge reservations. We married anyway and for 18 years I've had a war raging between my head & heart. Now we are divorcing. My head says I'm an idiot. My heart knows that we did not have love. But it hurts all the same.

I've come to believe that true relationships need the head and the heart to be in sync. You cannot live on just one alone. Next time -- if there is a next time -- I will be in a relationship that offers happiness to both my head and heart. Maybe not 50-50, but enough for both to be truly happy.

Good luck and ((hugs))!

It is a constant struggle and I am so sorry you have to go back and forth between the issues because at times it seems to be a no win situation.

Head=no way, he's a jerk
Heart=he had some kind sweet tendencies
he is the father of our children, we have history, I married til death do us part.

But he has found joy and bliss elsewhere, so my internal conflict is for nothing.

I am considering therapy to make my head the winner of this battle, but don't know any counselors to go to.

My heart is with you right now. I am praying for some peace and relief for us all.

I hear ya and there is definately a time delay when the heart finallyt gets it. but you need to reach deep down and examine your relationship.

In my case, the abuse went on for years.... now I see that my angels got me out before I was dead.... I feel grateful even though the divorce is painful.

Some relationships can't be saved.. repeated infidelity, substance abuse etc. Only you can answer those questions....

trust your head that your heart will heal one day and you will find love again.

So sorry for your pain.

I understand you completely, I am in the same boat.