Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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KourtneyHart 05/20/2012

BD text.. "hey can we talk"
I text "Only if its about the kids"
He starts begging me to bring the kids to see him which is a 12 hour drive from here.. I was willing to make the drive for easter weekend & he didnt want us to come. I text him I would ask his sister to drive them to him. He text back that he wants me to come. I told him my mom would drop them off. He doesnt want to see anyone else. He wants to see me. He wants to talk to me in person about us and about the upcoming deployment, his will, his car etc.
I text back "if I bring them I'll also bring the divorce papers for u to sign"
I dont want to see him yet part of me does... Like I want to but I dont want to get hurt again. He must think I'm stupid..He says he wants to see me. He promises there will be no drama and he wont be mean.
My mom says I should go. The kids should see him. I agree but I dont want to see him. When we are in person we dont know how to be separated... I also dont want everyone thinking I'm so immature that I wont bring the kids to see their dad just cuz I have issues with him...........But I just know what will happen if I go...

deleted_user 05/20/2012

I would say don't fall for it. If you think it's not just about the kids.. I feel sometimes like I can handle seeing my wife, but after I do I am all messed up. It has all been about the kids since I moved out but it is still really hard to see her, especially when she is nice to me.
I hope you stay strong.

hurtinandhealin2560 05/20/2012

Send the kids with his sister. She can take the divorce papers from him to sign and bring them back to you (if you can trust her to do that).

Listen to your gut. You know he will try to manipulate you and you know him best. Notice how he is mentioning things like his deployment and will--all emotionally charged words that play on your emotions.

At this point, it's not about what he wants; it's about what YOU want and need.

I say send the kids with someone else and don't go.

ChiTownBear 05/20/2012

I would have to agree with hurtin' and not put yourself in that position. It will also send him the message that these types of requests from him will not be met. Hopefully it will deter them in the future.

I know it must be hard to not go as well. Stay strong and go with what you know.

deleted_user 05/20/2012

I highly recommend that you take the advice of #2 & 3, unless you want to keep going round and round the same old mountain.

trisha9054 05/20/2012

I agree with the others to a point. Why should you have to make arrangements for him to see his children. If he really wants to see them he can call his sister and ask her to bring them.

He doesn't want to see the children right now; he's using them to get to you. Don't fall for that.

deleted_user 05/20/2012

I totally understand how you are feeling about him trying to manipulate you. I'm trying, very hard, to move myself and my daughter far enough away from my abuser so that he won't be able to try to get back into our lives because he knows my weaknesses.
Seeing him in person is a bad idea... it seems like when we are alone we can see the whole picture, and remember the things that were so hurtful. but when we actually see them in person all of those memories go out the window, and we only see the good things that existed before all of it happened.
Just remember, children are not pawns to be used by him. And the others are right- his sister or someone else you trust can take them to see him. There are also visitation centers in some areas, where he can see them in a safe environment. Let HIM make the arrangements to see them that way.
Take care of yourself.

KourtneyHart 05/20/2012

I agree with everyone and I feel like he's trying to use seeing them as an excuse to get to me.. He keeps sending texts begging me to bring them. I've had a busy day and havnt had time to respond. He's starting to try bribing me with money too. I'm sure I wont be able to go anyways because I'm starting my new job in a couple days.. I'm excited about it! I dont get why he does this... I'm used to the cycle now. I know his game well. He does something awful, then waits a while, apoligizes, tries to beg and cry and make me feel bad for him, offers bribes, then when we are together and things are great he ends up doing something awful to sabatoge it and it starts all over again... I'm glad I am reading this book "Women Who Love Too Much". I am getting to the chapter about recovery and it's amazing. I will journal more about it soon. I've been reading but I've been pretty busy as well..

KourtneyHart 05/20/2012

Also he is in the military and cant leave the state without permission.. Thats why he cant see the kids til he comes here on leave, or if someone can bring them to him.. I dont want to be that someone. I feel bad for my kids though. Its hard on them. They ask for him everyday. :(

deleted_user 05/20/2012

If he wants to them he needs to figure that out. There is something called Skype if he really wants to see them now. Know it is not the something but it is something. Good for you for standing your ground! Stay strong! Congrats on the new job!!

KourtneyHart 05/20/2012

THANKS!! :D

namaste02 05/20/2012

If he is deploying soon, he should have some leave time coming up anyways. I would go with your gut on this one.....if you dont want to see him, I wouldnt... and trust me...he will use that deployment talk to get to you or guilt you in. Your paperwork, if its ready can be sent through his chain of command for him to sign and sent back. Be careful and watch that sgli stuff. Been there, done that.

Wishing you the best!

KourtneyHart 05/20/2012

Thanks :)
Yeah he has a 4-day this coming weekend and then he goes to NTC for a whole month.. He wants to see the kids before he goes which is fine with me.. But he's trying to bribe me into going too, now offering his car.. Its a brand new caddy.. His next leave isn't until August.. & then he deploys after that... I want him to see the kids but I guess I just need to learn not to play his games.. I'm reading about that right now.

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