Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Sorry this is probably more of a vent than anything else.
Many of you already know my background, so I'll skip most of it. I'm separated, living with family right now and going to grad school to become a special education teacher. I don't have any substantive income and little savings (I used all of my savings, plus some of my retirement savings to go back to school, hubby didn't kick in a dime to my education).
Well, while husband and I were trying to decide what we were going to do (stay together and continue to try counseling or just divorce) he had offered to pay my car insurance. He had paid one bill (I get billed monthly), but had sent it to my old agency, not the new one I have a new policy with. No big deal, they sent a check back for the amount and husband sent a check to the new agency.
Well, the refund check was in my name only and since I'm not living in his house anymore, I had picked it up to sign it and deposit it in our joint checking account.
I get the confirmation slip back and it says that the account only has about $400 in it. It had always had between $35k - $40k in it, so at some point, he has taken the money.
Meanwhile, I will not be asking for any money as part of our divorce settlement. I've had several people tell me that I should at least sue for my tuition for last fall and spring, but I'm not doing that. I'm just asking for any $$ back that my family and friends gave to us as wedding gifts. I will be returning $$ to most of them, and have let them know this, but many have also said they want me to keep the $$ as they know that I'm in a dire financial situation right now.
Intellectually, I understand why he did this. I don't have a job, I'm angry and he knew I was resentful that he didn't help out with tuition (he said I needed to make the "compromise" and pay it myself because he wanted to use his savings for a down payment on a house.). So, he probably thinks I was going to go in and take it all, which I definitely wouldn't have done. Ironic, huh? Since I made a point to return that $91 check to him...
Many of you already know my background, so I'll skip most of it. I'm separated, living with family right now and going to grad school to become a special education teacher. I don't have any substantive income and little savings (I used all of my savings, plus some of my retirement savings to go back to school, hubby didn't kick in a dime to my education).
Well, while husband and I were trying to decide what we were going to do (stay together and continue to try counseling or just divorce) he had offered to pay my car insurance. He had paid one bill (I get billed monthly), but had sent it to my old agency, not the new one I have a new policy with. No big deal, they sent a check back for the amount and husband sent a check to the new agency.
Well, the refund check was in my name only and since I'm not living in his house anymore, I had picked it up to sign it and deposit it in our joint checking account.
I get the confirmation slip back and it says that the account only has about $400 in it. It had always had between $35k - $40k in it, so at some point, he has taken the money.
Meanwhile, I will not be asking for any money as part of our divorce settlement. I've had several people tell me that I should at least sue for my tuition for last fall and spring, but I'm not doing that. I'm just asking for any $$ back that my family and friends gave to us as wedding gifts. I will be returning $$ to most of them, and have let them know this, but many have also said they want me to keep the $$ as they know that I'm in a dire financial situation right now.
Intellectually, I understand why he did this. I don't have a job, I'm angry and he knew I was resentful that he didn't help out with tuition (he said I needed to make the "compromise" and pay it myself because he wanted to use his savings for a down payment on a house.). So, he probably thinks I was going to go in and take it all, which I definitely wouldn't have done. Ironic, huh? Since I made a point to return that $91 check to him...
part of me is kind of insulted at the insinuation that he'd think i'd raid it, but then another part of me realizes the logic behind it
If what's his was his, then he should have had you sign a prenup. I fail to see the logic is taking vows with someone, only to turn around and leave them with nothing. I know marriages end badly, but this shows a deep level of mistrust and a complete lack of respect.
I know what you are mainly upset about is his lack of trust. But you have to remember that those that think that way, or accuse are the ones that will do. So the lack of trust is based on what they believe they would do, so they put that on to what they believe others would do. So try not to take his lack of trust in himself or his sneaky way of thinking things should or will go have any reflection on you. Don't take that on with everything else. That is his shit to own. So leave that with him.
Finally I found the atty that was right for my case. He was the only one who could tell me how to have the ex served overseas. He's been wonderful. We've been to court six times since 2005.
There are as many different attys as there are people. The one you talked to might have wanted easy quick money. You should check with a few more and if they say the same thing you will know what you can or can't do.
When you married it was for better or worse till death do us part. He changed the marriage vows on you and wants out. You need to see what you are legally entitled to have for the amount of time you were married to him. He changed your whole life, your expectations, and then he left. Now you are having to start over on your own, finish school and living with family.
But when couples agree to have a spouse at home to remain home or to raise children that places them out of the workplace for many years. It reduces the amount of social security they receive when they retire and if they divorce and become disabled, it also reduces the amount of social security disability (SSD)they will receive and many times they lack the work credits require and go on a public funded disability SSI--all because they were a stay-at-home spouse.
I believe in the future, SSA will eventually move to have all couples that insist on a stay-at-home-spouse pay into the spouse's SSA fund for them so that the retirement and disability fund never suffers for that particular spouse. It also would relieve the public from having to fund disability SSI (which pays a much lower amount and is public funded). It would shift the burden from the public back to couples that decide to have a spouse remain home.
Also, here is an article on wives that raise the kids and try to return to the workplace and can't get the jobs. Interesting article.
http://www.cnn.com/2013/08/13/living/parents-mothers-opt-to-work/index.html?hpt=li_c2
Her post was about her husband cleaning out the joint account. Divorce is unfair. You preach God, but divorce isn't about God and it is about two people and how too often the worst of them comes out when they separate and divorce. One thing I learned is divorce is a real test of exactly who a person is. Some can go through it and be fair and abide by the laws of the state in dividing assets and working out child support (which is dictated by the state). Others do not and the worst comes out. What we see here too often is the worst in people.
I recommend not giving back the money that was given as a wedding gift. It drags those people into the problem and puts them in an awkward situation.
i wasn't going to go after my tuition for fall and spring semester of last year, but now with this move, i definitely am. seriously, eff him. i don't think he'll be happy until i'm living on the streets with not even a penny to my name. he's sitting on 40k somewhere, with a sweet little desk job that makes him 100k as a base, plus he can work overtime if he wants, so, i dont' think the courts will really deny my request for 6k in tuition.
i hate divorce. i hate that it turns people into these monsters this way but what can you do... so glad i dodged a bullet and didn't have a kid with this sackless wonder.