Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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steppingovertheedge 06/02/2015

Just venting a bit I guess.

This week I did what I had to do to get the hell out of the house I was sharing with lying, cheating stbx (until my new place is ready July 1). That meant moving in with my parents. It is difficult being here. It feels like a HUGE step backwards. Like a pathetic situation.

Also we started the 50% custody plan and I've had my daughter the whole time so far. It's nice to have her, but also a lot of work. And I can't help thinking that it leaves stbx completely free to fuck around with the new guy. Which is exactly what she is doing. Pretty sure she had him at my house last night (long story on why; I wasn't stalking!). Pretty sure she is at his house tonight - my daughter was facetiming her before bed and kept asking "what friend's house are you at?!" without getting an answer.

So I'm crammed in with my parents doing all the childcare work, feeling miserable, and she's in our nice big house and fucking around free as a bird. It is all so maddening.

Can't stop the thoughts today of her screwing all the various people I know and suspect she did. Can't stop the thoughts of her smiling and chuckling cruelly while I am at my worst. Can't stop the despair over realizing I will NEVER get this bitch out of my life because of our daughter. Not sure there is anything to be done but wait out this rough patch. I'm also pretty tired, which is probably contributing. And feeling some stress at work.

Any thoughts? I try to cling to two stupid hopes - that when I have my daughter maybe stbx is stifling the new guy by being all over him, and when she has my daughter maybe the new guy (younger, no kids) will be put off by having a kid around all the time - although I imagine "supermom" stbx will pawn my daughter off on friends/babysitters as much as possible. I'm not sure these two things are giving me any solace.

mynewnormal 06/02/2015

try to keep the focus on your well being, and your daughter.. you may feel like your taking a step back moving in with your folks, but its the right step! you dont need to be sharing space with toxic.. whatever bs relationship she's in with this 'new' guy is not going to last.. and its nothing to be jealous of, you deserve better, and so does your daughter.. try to keep busy... give yourself time to adjust.. its not an easy road ahead.. but its the right road

sja 06/02/2015

OH, stepping, it will be ok. Try and not think about them. Look to the future! You have your own place! I know how much it sucks to have to move home with your parents. I had to do the same thing for 6 weeks before my apartment was ready, so I totally get it, but plan things for your new place. Distract yourself as much as possible. Go get stuff to decorate it! Go pick out a comforter set your ex would hate! I can't imagine how hard it is to think of her and him in your house, but do everything you can to stop it. Snap a rubber band on your wrist each time it pops in your head. Eventually you won't need to snap that band because the thoughts won't come in there. Hold on to the anger. It is better than the intolerable sadness. You will be ok, I promise.

Gentle hugs!

kbbcoop77 06/02/2015

Totally normal what you're thinking. It's extremely hard in the beginning imaging her "perfect new life and relationship" but the reality is that's in your head. We really have no idea what's going on with our exes and their new boyfriends or cheater partners or whatever they are. Eventually you won't care what she's up to. Try to focus on you and the kids, it's gonna take some time unfortunately so you just have to gut it out. It does get better though..!

LostNFound3 06/02/2015

This is the most difficult time. Try to focus on your daughter and helping her get excited about your new place. Can you take her shopping to pick stuff out with you?

I know how hard it is to not think about what she is doing with him. I just had to take my son on my off weekend so mine could have the house to herself and new guy. It totally sucks, but it is what it is and obsessing about it only hurts us. As you've seen, they surely don't care.

So try to stay forward looking, be glad you have a chance to find someone who deserves you, and plan for the new place and new beginnings with your daughter.

Hang in there. Man hug.

Missy73 06/02/2015

I totally empathize with how much it sucks to be stuck with your parents but it's only temporary. You and your daughter will start a new chapter in your new place next month.

Are you really concerned about the time your daughter will spend with babysitters when she's with your wife? If so, you might want to consider talking to your lawyer abut putting right of first refusal clause in your settlement agreement.

jbuck 06/02/2015

Dang man, I know how that sucks. The reality though is... if you spend time thinking of her, you will be stuck and angry. Try to go through the pain part of it as best you can without focusing on her for a majority of the day. I know how terrible it is. Really though, you gotta start thinking about you. Once you get the focus on you, you'll start to begin living again.

In a way, you have to delete her from your mind space. Else you will be pre-occupied with her and not yourself.

tailspin916 06/03/2015

Sorry you're going through this. I too often have thoughts of my wife having sex with that loser. What makes me feel better is knowing she is no longer my problem. They are now each other's problem. Knowing how shitty their lives were when they were together over a decade ago and why they broke up in the first place, I am 100% sure them trying to work things out again is not going to last long. He is still the same loser today as he was back then. How do I know? Because my wife was talking shit about him just as recently as last month.

Anyway, just think of your cheating wife as trash and remember that one man's trash is another man's future trash. Bro hug to you.

kristinch1 06/03/2015

Hugs to you. Its just a month. A month to get 'er all done! I understand. I bred with a selfish narcissist. And now he's going to be in my life for the next 17 years (or longer). Probably. Or maybe. Maybe he'll bail. He probably will. But I can tell you a man without kids is definitely eventually going to resent potential stepkids. She will eventually have to move out of the martial home. You usually have to sell it in a divorce. Time. In time you are going to have an awesome life without a cheater and you will feel 'meh' about her and her poor choices.

daddyrocs 06/03/2015

I can give you some thoughts that will comfort you.

She will never have a sucsessful relationship. She will always look for better and compare them to previous men including you and she will never find the perfect man.

She never fixed her own issues so will continue to make the same mistakes. And this will only add to her constant worries an insecurities

Every man will eventually find or figure out what she has done and the kind of person she is and they will run.

Your daughter will eventually understand what mommy has done too. That will be a bad day that you will have to be there for her

And by the chance your ex ever figures out how to fix herself........she will then hate herself for what she did to the family.

Your best revenge is to let her see how happy you are without her. I promise one day when you detach yourself from her you will no longer care what she does

sja 06/03/2015

Excellent points, Daddyrocs!!!

nal 06/03/2015

Be thankful it is only till july 1. I am on disability and stuck at my moms for an indefinite period of time. Try to focus on your daughter and your job. She is a definite joke who does not deserve primary custody of your daughter, but you will have to get along for the rest of your daughter's years. Give yourself time to adjust, that is what I am doing though it is the toughest thing I have ever been through. Try to get out with friends. It helps and I don't feel so lonely. You need support and I am here to support you. Prayers to you and yours.

steppingovertheedge 06/04/2015

Thanks so much everyone! This place is so helpful when I hit my down moments.

I am realizing more and more how much I do NOT want my stbx. I mean, I logically reached that point a while ago but it needs to sink into the emotional part of my brain. And it is doing so... slowly.

daddyrocs - thank you, thank you, thank you. What you wrote is something I try to latch onto - and it may or may not even be fully correct (I hope it is!) - but it is nice to hear someone else say it. It rings true.

mynewnormal, sja, coop, LostNFound3, Missy73, JBuck, Tailspin916, kristinch1, nal - thank you all. You guys are amazing. Thanks for the support; I hope I can return the favor at some point.

nal, thank you and I wish you the best. I can't imagine going through something like this and being on disability at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I can barely handle my situation, and other times I realize others are dealing with worse situations. It is humbling. Best wishes to you.

One final note. I started this day feeling ok. Then logged into email and found a financial proposition sent by stbx which is tilted in her favor and includes threats of litigation (we are supposedly going through mediation right now). I was livid. But over the course of the day I dissected her missive and realized that there are a couple of non-starter absurd things, but some of the financial numbers are not far away from reasonable. So I'm going to meet with my lawyer tomorrow, hash out some things, and probably counter-offer. It's possible that this thing can be mediated still. I guess we'll see. Thanks all.

mynewnormal 06/04/2015

I've found that to be my saving grace with my divorce.. email, messages.. instead of inperson all the time reguarding 'touchy' topics like finances.. reading an email could set me off and get me sooo angry.. but I have a chance to deal with that, simmer down.. then get back to the discussion with my 'no emotion' face in tact.. its such a horrible road to walk.. divorce, your angry, frusterated, hurt, emotional.. and yet these decisions your making are life changing.. NOT the best time to be making those types of decisions.. but getting it done as quickly and painless as possible, gets you closer to your goal of moving on!.. I had family support, a brother who recently divorced, help me through my nightmare.. we kept it as amicably as we could.. from day one of 'its over', 30 days later filed.. 15 days after that.. Finalized.. quick, horrible, and earth shattering.. but DONE.. thats my blessing that I take away.. just dont forget to give yourself time to deal with your feelings as they come..

lookingforclosure 06/04/2015

Enjoy the time you have with your daughter as much as you possibly can. You will miss her horribly when she is back with STBX. One thing that helped me with the thoughts of her pawning your child off with babysitters/friends/family members while she goes on her trysts was the fact that she (your daughter) is better off/better attended to than being along for the tryst. Lock your brain off the thoughts of STBX's new fling...the less she sees/interacts with you, the more she expects him to live up to what she forgot you provided for her. July 1st isn't that far off. Hang in there.

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