Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I have taken some time to myself for a while. Do a lot of thinking on past mistakes I have made and why I have done so many things I have in past relationships. I feel my last relationship destroyed inside out on every level and I am finally making some progress in healing. It has been one of the hardest things to make even the slightest bit of progress in getting over this relationship despite it being over for almost a year. I have done some reading and found an article that describes relationships that are addictive in nature. Here are the traits or qualities that someone would possess. My question is, has anyone ever found themselves in a relationship that made them feel these things? were you able to ever have a healthy normal relationship after this that wasn't or didn't resemble these traits and why is it that certain relationships causes these extreme feelings? any insight or thoughts would really help me.
-Your days are based on 'what he / she is doing, saying and thinking'.
-You've lost interest in friends and personal goals.
--You schedule your life to fit in with his / her life.
-You go along with what he / she wants even if you don't agree.
-You begin taking on his / her identity and get involved in things you never thought you would.
-You often feel anxious, depressed and lost.
-Aspects of your life are suffering.
-You crave his / her attention, but enough is never enough even if you feel anxious, upset or abused in his / her company.
-You're terrified about him / her getting off a phone call or leaving.
-If he / she shows any level of disinterest you panic.
-Regardless of how you're treated you can't let go.
-You admit fault or give in to uncomfortable or unreasonable requests to retain the relationship.
-You fear emotional and mental survival if the relationship ends.
-You can't stop yourself from contacting him / her.
-Your behaviour has reached 'out of control' levels.
-Your days are based on 'what he / she is doing, saying and thinking'.
-You've lost interest in friends and personal goals.
--You schedule your life to fit in with his / her life.
-You go along with what he / she wants even if you don't agree.
-You begin taking on his / her identity and get involved in things you never thought you would.
-You often feel anxious, depressed and lost.
-Aspects of your life are suffering.
-You crave his / her attention, but enough is never enough even if you feel anxious, upset or abused in his / her company.
-You're terrified about him / her getting off a phone call or leaving.
-If he / she shows any level of disinterest you panic.
-Regardless of how you're treated you can't let go.
-You admit fault or give in to uncomfortable or unreasonable requests to retain the relationship.
-You fear emotional and mental survival if the relationship ends.
-You can't stop yourself from contacting him / her.
-Your behaviour has reached 'out of control' levels.
I have had these traits all my life or at least as long as I can remember.
It started in high school when I broke up with a boy and then tried to get him back - thus began a lifelong pursuit of relationships with "unattainable" men. I have read endlessly about why I allow myself to be treated this way in relationships and have found my answers. I was raised in a very strict, controlling atmosphere with little attempt at letting me make my own choices. I found the best way to get the approval of my parents was to put up and shut up. That's the only way I felt loved by them. In my love relationships I continued this pattern - always trying to win love and approval by being a doormat and never standing up for myself. The only "normal" relationship I had I was miserable in because he accepted me just the way I was - no conditions - total freedom to be me - and I couldn't handle that because I felt uncomfortable.
People who allow these types of relationships to take over their lives are addicted to the person just as if he/she were a drug. We are still the little child hoping to win their love. I am going thru a nasty divorce with a sociopathic narcissist and searched out another unavailable (schizoid) man immediately. I just made things so much worse and now I'm trying to put the pieces back together after having TWO recent breakups. The rebound relationship I finally left after I became totally aware of what I was doing once again. Is there hope? Gosh I pray so. I need counseling but as yet cannot afford to do so. Toxic relationships are what these types of relationships are called and there is plenty of info on the internet that addresses these Just know that there are probably unresolved issues you need to deal with before you can have a good, healthy relationship.
I have also learned that I fear abandonment so I'm working on those issues too. I have also learned that I need to retrain my brain into thinking "I am good enough" and by darn, I am!!!!!
It has taken me a long time to sort this all out but with time I have been able to slowly let go of my ex. I thought it was the end of the world when he left and for a short time it was. Keep coming here to post and read, there is valuable information on these boards that will help you through your bad days.
Good luck in your continued healing, take all time you need. Take care of YOU.
Time to take a long hard look at your past.
A good book is "getting past you break up" by Susan Elliot
It'll change your life!
I would also like to suggest the book "Healing from Neglect" by Janene Baadsgaard and Runaway Husbands.
Also, check out the group on here "Woman Who Love too much"
Hang in there you'll get through this. Hugs
Thank you for your post. I read it a few days ago and my first thought was that this doesn't apply to me. I've never really felt those feelings that strongly. While the moods and good/bad events in my STBX wife's day would effect my mood to some extent, I can't say I've ever felt it the same level you describe.
However, after thinking about your post more, I think my STBX wife exhibits some of this behavior.
She had lost a lot of interest in other friends and personal goals. I've often asked her what hobbies that she has for herself and her answer has always been "taking care of the house/family". If I should go to pursue one of my hobbies and take time away from the family, it will eventually come back that I'm taking time away from the family and she never does.
She's often expressed feelings of being depressed and lost.
She craved my attention and my validation of her. This need for validation eventually reached a point where I couldn't hope to keep up.
Example: I'd come home from work (hour and a half commute home) and be home around 6:30 or 7. My three kids grab me as I walk into the door to show me their art projects and achievements for the day. I say hello to everyone and my STBX wife seems fine. I go upstairs and change, maybe take care of a chore or two and come down to dinner. Something has changed in her attitude. I ask about it but get no response. Later, we discuss it more. She's mad. It turns out she mopped the entire dining room, kitchen and downstairs floors earlier that day. She also got her bangs cut. I failed to notice any of this. As a result she's mad because she thinks I don't appreciate the work she does to make the house and herself more attractive for me. This makes me emotionally unsupportive.
It's not that I didn't appreciate everything she did, but quite often it wasn't always easy to easily identify those things she did. I've found myself walking a minefield trying to play a guessing game each day of what she might have improved or cleaned. Is that blouse new? When I comment on it, I get a response of "I've had it for months". If I had not commented on it, I get a response of "you never even noticed I got a new blouse". Am I failing to compliment something that will make me seem emotionally unsupportive if I don't notice it?
This got tiring very fast. After the Nth fight that got started because I failed to notice her new nail color, or how she had reorganized the kitchen, or how she moved the patio furniture, I realized I'll NEVER be able to meet her need for validation. It quickly created a downward spiral. I'd reached the point where I didn't want to compliment on anything and she started to feel more and more that I didn't appreciate all she was doing for me. And because I didn't appreciate what she was doing for me, then by association, I didn't love her.
The reality was that all I really wanted to hear was that she had a good day. I didn't care about the nail color, or the bangs being cut, or the floor being mopped. I was working hard to provide for her and the family. I'd rather have heard that she did half or a quarter of the work that she done, but had a great day at the park with the kids. That would have validated the work that I was doing to provide for my family and give her the opportunity to have that day at the park.