Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Married 5 years, been together 7 years. First three years of our life toghter was absolutely amazing. We traveled non-stop, expirienced life, and enjoyed being together. It was always amazing. We faced SO many outside challenges as a couple and made them through everything together. I was promoted twice, lost the promotion due to downsizing, relocated getting promoted again, and my wife relocated with me giving up her career (for a short time) and found another job in our new area with a promotion. 70K dollars in legal fees fighting child custody issues from us relocating. Child issues, familiy illnesses, everything. It has been crazy. But, we never let it affect us. We were always strong together. 3 years ago she quit drinking and smoking. That was GREAT. Then things changed. She didnt want to travel, didnt want to spend time together and wasnt interested in being with my intimately. 3 years have passed of this behavior and about a month ago she took to the couch. I have always drank and she told me it never bothered her. We have the discussion (which she calls arguments) about our relationship shifting away from each other for the past 3 years probably every month since it began. The problem has never gone away or attempted to be worked on. Now, we had the last blow out and she said she is done. Wouldnt tell me if she was willing to go to counseling and I would seek help to quit drinking for good. I told her if that was the problem with me its a non-issue. To me its not that important. Then im told my step son and her sister and my wife had lots of discussions about me without me. Alot of things have been said and she has never addressed anything with me. Since she could not commit to me that we can do something to try and work to salvage what I thought was forever, that its done. We are in the same house because now we have to sell our beautiful home, im living in one of the spare rooms and she is on the couch. We are still nice to each other and I do love her very much. I was super aggrevated the first two days and now I think I need to be nice so I can break from this with a clean heart. I only want her and my step son to be ok and I told her we do need to work together to make sure she can get where she needs to and be ok not in debt. It is just her and I and the money we have.
What do I do? Totally act like a ghost here and not talk or try my hardest to be nice. Im not looking to fix this. I told her that unless she wants to talk about REALLY working this out and doing counseling she needs to talk to me. Unless I hear otherwise, we are pressing forward with the divorce.
After all of this, in my heart, I feel that she checked out years ago and hasnt wanted to be in this relationship for a long time but just couldnt leave me. I also feel like while she wanted to sit on the couch and watch Hallmark (which I logged many hours to spend time with her) and play Candy Crush, i was sitting outside self medicating drinking because i wasnt happy in the relationship either.
I quit drinking for now and plan on not going down that road for a long time. Working out, but the rollercoaster of emotions has been endless and I find myself crying at the drop of hat and I cant be around her. It hurts too much.
Sorry for the post being so long. . . .
Thank you and I hope everyone out there going through this is safe and ok today.
I am so sorry that you are experiencing such matters; it's hurtful, of course. The most obvious to me is that you've already spoken to her of all that you can do as teamwork to save your marriage. Whether or not your wife agrees with you, it is best to try to save this relationship by seeking professional services. And it seems that you are functioning as being honest as a partner, yet your wife is just not ready or willing to do teamwork, and in this type of situation the work has to be split.
I do agree with you that her behavior is not out of thin air; this idea of a breakup is likely something she has paid much attention to, and it's awful that she has not attempted to fill you in on her plans, going to her children to collaborate is more like a misfire and has no place in the progression of the story, partners should work jointly to take care of struggles, and speaking alone with her children will offset the good of what you are trying to make improvements.
If you need any further support, please consider chatting with the ladies in this support link: https://www.dailystrength.org/group/chatting-christian-ladies
Certainly talking with others at this support network will give you comfort. I admire that you are handling the matter so unselfishly. Again, I am so sorry for this thing. Best!
Thank You!
I did the same thing in 2015. End result: divorce! But.... I felt that I did all that I could, so I didn't walk away with regrets in that area.
You are probably right that she made up her mind a long time ago, and perhaps divorce is inevitable. But I still think it's worth giving the marriage a shot for a little while until it's clear that she just won't put the effort in. Then you can walk away with a clear head.
Not saying it's easy - it's not!! But you will have a clearer conscience. I wish you all the best. It is a tough time. Just know that you will get through it and there is life on the other side. In my case, I am better off for having gotten divorced, despite the fact that I initially didn't want to (and then found out my ex-wife was cheating). I am with someone now who is better for me.
Stay strong.