I'm afraid that I am staring down divorce, after being together for 20 years.  It's been a slow roll for quite a while, but I just don't see us getting past this.

I'm having an incredibly hard time lately understanding my part in this.  And I don't mean that I have no part in it, just that he and I see things very differently.  From my perspective, what we have is very much chicken or the egg.  

I'll start with his side:

His main concern is that we don't have sex nearly often enough.  There have been times lately where we've gone 6 months without sex.  He also says that I disrespect him all the time.  Some examples he's given include: I can be snappish at times, things that are important to him don't seem to matter as much to me, I didn't finish reading a very impactful book about his mental health, and while talking about a specific thing that happened - I said "Im your wife, not your mother."  Additionally, he says that I say whatever I want, then think it will be ok with an apology.  He also says that I keep saying I will change, and then I don't.  

Lord, even when I read it, it sounds awful.

So here's my side:

For as long as we've been together, we have never argued well.  I used to say that often it felt like the argument started before I was ever invited.  Something very small would completely blow up.  He would yell awful things at me, then usually follow it up with about 3 days of silence.  He has told me that if he walks away from me in a fight, let him go because he's doing that so he doesn't say what he's thinking.  This was a fairly common occurrence.  Sometimes he would yell at me because I started to cry.  He used to say I cried over everything.  

I have low confidence and low self esteem.  There are many times where I don't take compliments well.  He might make a comment about how my legs look, and I would joke about losing 10 pounds - something like that.  He would get mad that "always put myself down."  So he stopped complimenting me completely, and he openly says this.

We used to have a good sex life.  Kids changed things, certainly.  Things got super busy and I had more than my share of responsibilities.  There were many nights where I just wanted to fall into bed and sleep instead of having sex.  Sometimes, even though I wasn't really in the mood, I'd do it anyway because I know he wanted to.  He would get mad at me because I wasn't into it enough - sometimes he would yell, sometimes just leave me there on the bed crying.  After that, I started feeling a lot of pressure when we had sex.  I always felt like I was "doing it wrong". He stopped initiating sex altogether a few years ago and openly admits that's true, but denies that he has placed the responsibility solely on me.

Silent treatments got longer.  The longest one we've had has been 11 days.  Why?  I got better at it.  They used to destroy me, but I toughened up.  

When we got married, I knew that our "stacks of bricks" were not even but we made it work.  As he withdrew things from me - compliments, initiating sex, etc - he took a brick of his pile and put it on mine.

I have been carrying a heavy load for years now, and it's hard to move.  Now try carrying that load through a mine field, and if you set one off, you'll be punished for things from years ago, things you don't even remember, things that were definitely taken out of context, things that didn't happen.  Hard to feel connected to someone under these circumstances. 

I feel terrible that our marriage is ending.  And I don't disagree with some of his complaints about me.  But I can't help thinking that he helped create this person that he can't stand.  

Any insight would be appreciated.  I feel like a complete failure right now, but at the same time, taking responsibility for this doesn't feel authentic either.