Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Feeling very guilty for wanting more. In two weeks it will be our 15 year anniversary. For the last 10 I have had very little affection and no physical touch. I have worked full time then come home to do all around the house....cooking,cleaning, laundry. I feel more like a maid, cook, roommate....then a wife.
My husband says he doesn't understand why I have mentioned (a few times) being unhappy.....He tells me he has never regretted marrying me. Says he doesn't know if he'd be around if he weren't with me. As I think about this, i realize this is probably because he has the best of both worlds..... His needs ARE being met. Sadly, none of mine are.
I feel responsible. For the longest time I had shut down and was going through the motions. (Truthfully, i think he wished i stayed that way too.) Then something happened. Another person flipped the switch. From a stranger a zillion miles away I was getting all the things I should get from hubby. All of a sudden i was starting to feel good about myself, all I have to offer and this oerwhelming desire to step back into life and ALL it has to offer.
Lately hubby and i are getting along ok. (Probably because I try not to make waves.) We have both had some resentment built up between us and we are both quick to point out the other being grumbly and miserable......which led to my comment.....Is this how we really want to spend the rest of our lives? I want to rediscover all that I have missed for so long..... He wants to go on as is.
I can't get past the guilt of being the one who wants more.......or the fear of struggling backout there on my own. :(
If he is that dense (from previous posts, I don't think he is, he's just playing dumb because he doesn't want to face your unhappiness and any changes which you're looking for), but anyway, officially sit him down, make him look you in the eyes, and give him an ultimatum. Tell him, "You know I've been unhappy for quite some time. I need X to happen in order for me to want to continue with the marriage. Either we do X by X date, see a counselor within the next X weeks", or whatever you might require from him to get your final answer - "or else I have no recourse but to file for divorce". Blunt, to the point, telling him what you need, and giving him your response if he chooses to do nothing. Is that direct enough for you men out there?
This is part of what scares me....I realize how hard it can be out on your own with just one income. (I do have 401K and ESOP to help in the future) The way things are right now, I think I can be content in a cubby hole for awhile.
I come from a dysfunctional family so I tend to steer clear of anger and confrontation. I believe this explains my beating around the bush as opposed to beating him over the head. (Though I have wanted to from time to time. lol) I don't want to threaten or give an ultimatum.....would rather sit him down and tell him what I need and that if we are not both willing to work on this together, I think it is time to pull the plug.
I do have reservations because I have been trying to tell him what is on my mind forever. As I mentioned before, he tries for a day or so then reverts back and simply says....you know how I am. Also, as far as therapy, both his sister and I have mentioned this. He simply shrugs it off. My only thing is, maybe if he realizes THIS IS FOR REAL....and if he (we) want to try, this is it it may make a difference.
Honestly though, if I step back (and he does too) I think we will realize we both want (and could be content with very different things now. He seems content with a roommate , I want a spouse.....one who wants me, that I can share everything with...good, bad, (cannot tell you how hard it is to crave some affection again )...share the work, and some fun (I may be over 50, but I am not dead yet, though i did feel that way for awhile)
May I ask you for a man's opinion? If your wife did tell you often she was not happy and did mention different things over time... would you maybe have listened to some of what she tried to say.....or would you wait to be beaten over the head too?
Veggiequeen has discussed this with hubby umpteen times over 15 yrs. And hubby is operating in hubby's comfort zone.
You will NEVER get him out of that zone for more than 3 days, veggie. Don't matter what you do, you can't talk a potato into a turnip. All you can do is make it put on a frock.
There is ONLY one question here.
Only one. Just the one simple clear simple did I mention simple question. Sorry for being an old bat but really, 15 yrs. I did 17. I'm even thicker.
Hubby is who and what he is. And you are who and what you are. And that is all. Are these two items compatible? Are they a round peg and a round hole?
Or not? If they're not, then go look for a round hole. While you're bashing the shit out of yourself trying to make this square hole round, or yourself turn square, you are wasting precious years of your life and driving yourself stark staring mad. it's not bothering hubby at all of course. haha. He's quite happy thanks.
And of course family don't think you will go through with this. This is where the whole power fight comes from. Hubby is inert because he does not believe you have any power or courage. And for as long as you stay with him you prove it to him. For as long as you endure this, you prove to him that no, you don't have the balls to leave. So yes, you deserve this awful life. See the catch 22? As to him - why would he get rid of you? You're doing all the housework and paying so many bills. And he doesn't care either way whether you're there or not. He is self-bonded. You do not exist in his internal emotional world and you NEVER will.
You have already tried. This isn't a question of trying harder and saving marriages. For what? For what you save this dead rotting corpse of a marriage?
Let me start from a different spot.
You were born due to the one single sexual encounter at a specific time. If your daddy had ejaculated one second sooner or one second later, you would not exist.
Daddy and mummy were born due to one specific sexual encounter each at one specific time on the part of their parents. If their daddies and mummies had not got it on at that one specific nanosecond, they would not exist.
How far back shall I go to prove to you how rare and unbelievably exceptional is the fortune that you had, in merely existing at all? 1, 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64, 128, 256 forebears all managing to ejaculate with the right people at the right moment for you to exist - that's 8 generations. That's maybe 200 yrs. Now go back 10,o00 yrs. Now go back 2 million years.
What were the chances?
Can you imagine the enormity of this gift? This stunning, stunning gift that you got, and that 15 billion trillion zillion gajillion little spermies and eggies totally lucked out on?
And, I'm sorry, exactly WHAT are you doing with it again?
How are you utilising this stunning opportunity?
:ppppppp
Get the hell out of there. you will love every second in your tiny box. You will hate every second in this wonderful pretty jail cell you have created for yourself.
You have no kids. You have NO obligation to die on the funeral pyre of this dead relationship. It's rotting. It stinks.
Get out. Run. Just go.
that's your first step. After that, everything just gets easier and easier. It really is a piece of piss. In a year you'll wonder why you wasted so much time.
Boy I wish I hadn't.
before you find your soulmate you must discover your soul
It doesn't sound like he is taking your needs seriously, and I think you are right on-point when you say that it's because all his needs are getting met. Unfortunately, it also means that he either doesn't believe your needs are real or he doesn't care about your needs. (Sorry if that sounds harsh - I'm just calling it as I see it from what I read in your post.) I'm still recovering from a somewhat similar situation. Truly recognizing and accepting my husband's unyielding selfishness was hard. It was a blow to my self-esteem, but eventually it led to healing and a fuller, happier life.
Here's some of my story. I hope it helps: I just recently separated from my husband. The situation you described seems very similar to my marriage. I felt guilty for a long time about wanting something better and even went into denial about my own needs and shut down a large part of my emotional self to try and make my marriage work. It wasn't until I started accepting my true feelings that the road to a better life opened up. It was not easy. Not at all. My husband was used to me just taking care of everything while he did whatever he wanted. He was used to me giving up on almost any conflict just to avoid a fight. He was used to me being willing to sacrifice my heart and soul and self-esteem just to keep the peace or maintain the relationship. He was, of course, not happy when that started to change. He resisted the changes in several different ways, many of which were hurtful. I believe that there is no way I would have made it through all that without support. I got counseling, started going to a women's support/prayer group, and rejoined a social media site where my extended family keeps in touch. He hated and resisted me doing all of those things. He did NOT want change and did not care how much I needed it. He reacted angrily to, brushed off or even just straight up ignored my attempts to talk about my needs, to let him know they were not being met, or to convince him to work on the relationship in any real way. And it was obvious why: because he was getting exactly what he wanted and what he wanted did not include my happiness. My happiness and wellbeing werejust wasn't important enough to him for him to do any work or make even the smallest of sacrifices. To him I was a means to an end, not a person with valid needs and wants. When I finally accepted that truth, it was devastating - at first. It made me feel less-than and was a deep cut into my self-esteem. However, as I learned to understand that his selfish mentality was HIS failing and not mine, I was able to start healing. I am still in the beginning of the healing. It is very hard sometimes. But now at least my home is an emotionally safer, healthier, happier place. My bedroom is now an oasis instead of the place where I have to tiptoe in the dark after working all day then staying up late to do all the housework and tend to our three children, because he has gone to bed early after watching netflix all evening and "needs his rest." My kitchen and living room are places for eating, talking, playing, praying and relaxing with my boys instead of opportunities for him to criticize my skills (or lack thereof) as a cook and housekeeper. Its a lot of work but once the initial shock of the change was over, it has actually been a lot less work and much less suffering than being with someone who just refuses to do his part and ignores my needs.
Good luck and blessings to you. I hope that he is willing to get help. I hope your husband will wake up and realize what a great woman he has. If not, just remember that you are strong. You are beautiful. You are worthy. And it is okay to want more.