He doesn't want the boat rocked, doesn't want to stop having it all his way. He's not looking out for your interests one bit, but you seem to be considering his a little too much, and I say too much based upon his resolution to do nothing.

This is also my story line. He told me point blank after I filed that I ruined everything, ruined all of his dreams. By dreams, he stated that we would not be able to live in the new house if we split. That's the dream, not that we wouldn't have a happy marriage, just that he couldn't live in the dream house. That single statement was so over the top that I couldn't accept that particular blame, as I usually doubted myself when he came up with similar BS arguments about his innocence in just about everything. The guilt for filing on my part was short lived, once I opened up to family and friends a lot of people validated my position that I was not crazy and was indeed being emotionally and financially abused.

Now months post-divorce, I do feel guilt at times in regards to the kids not having both parents together. I tried in the marriage, but I couldn't do it alone. I wish I could totally eradicate the guilt, but I can't, mostly because he won't accept any responsibility. If he only owned up to contributing to the demise of the marriage, my emotional burden would be lessened. But I know he won't. In the end, living with some guilt, maybe remorse is a better word, is a million times better than living with him. And I know it's better for the boys too.

over time....throughout different arguments, I did try to give him some missing pieces to the puzzle (Any real communication is also limited with us. Just once I wish I could be heard).Today i mentioned a book that several others on here suggested...5 languages of love. Told him we should both read it.....His response was he doesn't need to read any book about relationships or divorce....I did say...even if it keeps you from getting there?

....and his response to that last question was.....? If it was nothing and he walked away, I hear him loud and clear. He. Won't. Work. Toward. Fixing. Anything.

Oh yeah I read a book on passive aggressiveness and gave it to my ex to read. He read a few pages, admitted he saw some passive aggressive traits in himself, then shut the book, promised he would read more multipile times, but never did and refused to discuss it again. Ironically, that's classic passive aggressive behavior.

Bloody hell what are you waiting for? You know where the door is!

You don't have to wait till you hate him beyond all reconciliation. You can just pull the plug. "I like sex' you can say. "and you're clearly a born again virgin. So I'm going to go marry someone who likes shagging'. No that's snarky. Just write it in your diary and put little pink glitter stars around it.

But the fact is, the one thing you promise not to do with anybody else? is have a love affair. Have an emotional relationship. Have intimacy. Have sex. And so if they don't want this, you can go give it to someone who does. Just because he's dead from the neck down (and mentally incapable) doesn't mean you have to lobotomise and cut yourself off at the waist.

My husband was like this. You could be talking about my husband. Genial. Sure. Pleasant. Like a stranger would be pleasant. No real conversations. No intimacy. No stroking, no cuddling, no fondling. No going out together. No sudden rapes while doing dishes. Nothing.

I worked, I did all the housework, I raised the children and I got no sex or affection and I stuck it out for 17 yrs and then when it broke up, all the years of self-sacrifice, all the lies I had told myself about him loving, me, really, deep down, came out and laughed in my face for the utter self-deceit that they were. All the crap I endured. I was the house doormat. Of COURSE he was happy. Why the fuck would he not be happy?

Get the hell out of there while you still have your looks. Shag five or ten guys (you'd be surprised who's out there that's gagging for it) and start to realise that life is for LIVING right now, not sometime in 2065 when the house is paid off and everyone's retired. Your husband is NEVER going to change. This is who he is, and if it's not good enough for you now, it never will be. The only real question is are you going to sell out on YOU.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9T7mInZlzx4

What the heck is there to feel guilty over????

PS my uncle and auntie broke up in their seventies.

They're both together with new lovers/spouses, and both 1,000,000 times happier.

Why are you doing this to yourself?

All the women in my family (as I look back on this) did all for everyone else, but settled for very little (if anything) for themselves....almost like it was their duty. They (and SO MANY others out there now ) simply settle for whatever is tossed their way.
I am ashamed to say I WANT MORE.

The fact that I am the one who is "rocking the boat" here by bringing this all up, plus this fear of the upcoming struggle (haggling through finances, belongings, all the emotions this is bringing up....) is mostly what is keeping me here.

PS Ok people....I think here is where I need that gentle head slap to get me moving. (past simply imagining and dreaming of how things could one day be if I do this)......... HELP?

SLAP. :D

(that was gentle.)

it's not going to hurt. You are afraid of something that may not come to pass. I suspect you won't be miserable. You'll be relieved.

I think the problem for you may be not being able to make the decision. Once the decisions' made, action will be easy.

So the question is: given that you have ONE life, and you don't get a do over,

Is this how you are going to spend the rest of it. Do you truly have NOTHING better to do than wash socks for some sexless couch potato for what remaining years of life you have?

I was that husband and wish my soon to be exwife had sat me down and told me she was thinking about divorce .
I totally regret being oblivious to my wife and to be honest I didn't notice her unhappiness that's the problem men generally aren't that sensitive and don't pick up signals you need to be literal and sit him down and tell him if I had been given that chance it may have save it

So true what Bridgie101 said "You don't have to wait till you hate him beyond all reconciliation". I waited this long, wasted some years.

"All of the women in my family" ....yes, I totally get that, my mother self sacrificed with 9 children (the oldest disabled) and an emotionally absent alcoholic cheating husband. Did I always wish for more for her, and that she would leave him? Yes I did. Did I ever think I'd be in a similar situation? Never, but it happened. We sometimes do what we learn. Sometimes we learn negative self-destructive things, including to value others above ourselves. But, just because we learned them from mom does NOT mean we should repeat them like she did. And if we do repeat them, doesn't mean we have to live this way for all of eternity.

So now from us here, learn that YOU deserve a man who is a partner to you, who includes you in life, who shares SOMETHING with you beyond the 4 walls of a house, who can communicate on a real level. Who doesn't play f'd up emotional games. Who is grounded in reality and can face dealing with life and all of it's issues. And if you don't find that in a man, that's ok, you still deserve peace and emotional security - two things I immediately gained after my divorce.

As far as you two getting along a bit better now, I'll share that my ex was much easier to live with when I totally withdrew from him and started the divorce and stopped hiding things from the kids. Things were out in the open and he was exposed, so he put on his Better Behavior outfit (probably just so I would start washing his socks again) and for a fraction of a second I doubted whether I should divorce him. Was there something left deep down inside? My whole marriage I knew what I was getting from him wasn't enough, and this nicer version of him had me second guessing myself, again. Until a real issue came up and he shut down and wouldn't deal with it. Oh yeah, this is the guy I know. Full steam ahead.

So you need now to get off that proverbial fence. I saw a poster when I was in your exact same place, contemplating divorce. I said "Without Scary we don't get to be Brave". I decided that I wanted to be brave and would endure the scary. Without much forethought, I blurted out to him "I want a divorce". Once that was said, I started preparing for my new life without him. I don't recommend taking as long as I did (a year between telling him I wanted a divorce and actually filing). I had kids and they were what was holding me back in my head. He had flatly stated that he would do nothing to move a divorce along. I felt trapped, still. I stared at the cold hard realities of what my life would look like post-divorce. I was working 30 hours a week, had health insurance through his work, and he had pretty much financially devastated us, I had a high school senior who was looking into colleges. Where would I live? Would he get the kids, as he so often had said? Would they be better off with him? (He told me they would, and because I was at the lowest point in my life, I thought maybe there was some truth to that - which of course there wasn't). Eventually, I go so worn down by second guessing myself that I finally concluded that I was dying inside and I had to just stop it and make the changes. I got stronger, started having more faith in my abilities, stopped listing to the BS that he said. Started envisioning success for myself and the kids.

I never reached out to anyone for help and support during my lowest point. If I had done so, I think I would have divorced him much sooner and with more assurance that I was doing the right thing.

So, in summary, you CAN get yourself past the guilt of wanting more, and you CAN overcome the fears about the changes to your life. You are 100% in charge of making decisions for yourself. Just take that first step - tell him you've repeatedly told him you're unhappy, he has done nothing to address the issues you've brought up, so your recourse is to divorce him so you will be able to find the basic emotional peace you need. The rest is easier to deal with once you declare your intentions to him. I advise that you set a time frame for talking to him, how about tonight?

Thank you all so very much for the encouragement and support.

I actually did mention something to my sister last time I saw her and I was surprised at her reaction. She knows I haven't been happy and actually she is in the same situation (but she has accepted mom's fate...her situation is just a bit different) She did not try to talk me out of it, but rather state what she, my husband and everyone else believes....I WILL NOT GO THROUGH WITH IT.

I think this may be part of why hubby only tries for a day or two....because deep down he knows the chances of me following through are slim. He and sis both do bring up the concerns of struggling getting by on one income and loneliness or possibility of spending the rest of my days alone or in exile ........GUILT and FEAR....the two weapons my family does use oh so well..... :(

From all of you I am finding that budding courage blossoming. (If I only had some Miracle Gro to keep it coming full force...lol) I am feeling much better about my decision to go on with this. I can actually see a glimmer of hope that I may be able to step back into life again. I thank you and pray I can continue to draw the strength, courage and resolve from all of you if or when I get wishy washy. :)

I don't necessarily disagree with what everyone here wrote (particularly bridgie), but... I would encourage you to also reread Michaelzx's comment: "I was that husband and wish my soon to be exwife had sat me down and told me she was thinking about divorce .
I totally regret being oblivious to my wife and to be honest I didn't notice her unhappiness that's the problem men generally aren't that sensitive and don't pick up signals you need to be literal and sit him down and tell him if I had been given that chance it may have save it."

@ Michael ...I actually did think when I read your comment. The thing is I have mentioned things ...not all at once because he will not hear what I am trying to say...He immediately gets annoyed (maybe partly defensive) and the ears go shut and the mouth gets loud. But I have tried to share how I feel (without accusing him, just trying to explain where my head is at)

I also wonder... you said your STBX....When she did tell you of her plans....did you speak up on your behalf then? I cannot believe if you did see the error of your ways (not saying she didn't have some too), perhaps she would realize that you and she could work on this together (it wasn't too late?)

@Mr.cellophane...I have been mentioning things for some time....and you are both right.....men aren't usually that sensitive , and in my opinion women are usually too sensitive. (That is the case for hubby and I. I have told him many times....he has the compassion of a flea. ) I do plan on sitting down with him very soon and bringing all this out in the open. (I am not the type to send a registered letter with divorce papers to sign...he doesn't deserve that)

I did have myself so afraid of hurting him and vice versa, but actually if we are honest, I think we will both realize it is time to move on. He wants a roommate....I want a spouse who wants me....someone who I can share all with...the good and the bad (who will accept me as I am....as I will him) Love is supposed to make two stronger better people.... (I don't want much do I? I can still dream......just have to balance it out with the possibility I may not find it. )

VeggieQueen: Okay. So, what's your exit plan? Do you have children? Do you have $$$? Not every marriage must/can be saved. I think you have an obligation to make a sincere effort - and I think it is WORTH making a sincere effort - to get your relationship back on track. But there are different ways to do that. It sounds like you've been beating around the bush, rather than beating him over the head. Maybe try, "This isn't working. You know it, and I damn sure know it. I want a divorce. I'm seeing a lawyer on Wednesday. I want you out by Friday." Then, see what happens? Letting him smell the coffee may be enough to at least get him into marriage counseling.

@Mr Cellophane, We don't have kids. I have wanted to try to put money aside but couldn't do that because I felt I had to put it all toward our home and bills. This is part of what scares me. I know how hard it is to survive on your own with one income, but at this point and time, I can make do in a tiny little cubby hole for awhile if i have to. (I do have 401K and ESOP that will help down the line...)

I come from a dysfunctional family...I try to avoid anger and confrontation at all costs. I think this is why I tend to beat around the bush as opposed to over the head. I don't want to threaten with ultimatums, rather lay it all out and see if he does still want to try. This does make me wary though since in the past he tries to change for a day or so...then decides it is too much work and it (or I ) is not worth it. Also his sister and I both have mentioned counseling in the past....we both were shrugged off. The difference will be this time he will know if he or I don't put forth any effort...it is time to pull the plug.

May I ask....from the man's perspective......if your spouse continued to be unhappy and did mention things from time to time....would you have maybe listened to some of what she tried to tell you? Or do you need to be beat over the head too?