Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I've been divorced for almost a year and have been trying to move on.. I've been with this new guy for a year. Recently my ex got clean off of drugs for 8 weeks and worked his way back into my heart. I slept with him yesterday. I feel like a horrible person. My boyfriend would be heart broken. I need to resolve my old feelings. I thought I had.
How do I do it? Let him go completely. I've always thought he was my soul mate. But he's hurt me so many too many times.
I need a hug, support and ideas. I hope I don't get ppl attacking me. I made a poor choice. Looking for guidance. Thank u
How do I do it? Let him go completely. I've always thought he was my soul mate. But he's hurt me so many too many times.
I need a hug, support and ideas. I hope I don't get ppl attacking me. I made a poor choice. Looking for guidance. Thank u
It sounds like you are still in a vulnerable spot concerning your divorce.
Come clean to the boyfriend and let him go. You arent doing anyone any favors by being in a relationship while still emotionally attached to someone else.
Do not be so ready to assume your exhusband is no longer sick. While 8 weeks clean is great, relapses are common.
Take some time out and spend it with yourself. Give your exhusband time to continue being clean. Then weigh all possibilities - life with him (you run the risk of living with an addict, always a chance of relapse), life without him (what if?), life as friends, life with another man, life alone, etc.
Speaking from experience, my sister married an addict. She didnt know it at the time. four years later and police involvement lead to their divorce. He went to rehab and got clean (2 years this October). They got back together when he came home and their relationship has been great ever since. They are still divorced, but happier than they ever were while married. It is possible to make it work once the addict is clean, if they are committed to it.
It sounds like you jumped into this relationship before you were even actually divorced - you didnt give yourself time to process and move past everything. Now is your chance, do yourself a favor and take a deep breathe and focus on yourself.
Agree with Shine, cut the boyfriend AND the ex loose for a while, seek some counseling to figure out why you aren't okay on your own, (due to your relationship jumping) and get to know you again.
Let both of these guys go and don't get in another relationship until you have yourself in counseling and straightened out.
There is a board here for Family and Friends of Addicts (below).
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Families-and-Friends-Of-Addicts/support-group
Get on that board and listen to the loved ones who have been through it with these addicts. 8 weeks sober isn't enough and doesn't warrant your ex husband walking back into your life (and your bed). You want to see him on his own, sober for about a year, gainfully employed, in control of his life, and constantly in sobriety support programs the entire time AND VERY IMPORTANTLY NOT TAKING ON REPLACEMENT VICES LIKE ALCOHOL, POT, SPICE, etc. That's why you don't get involved with him for about a year. You want him to do this on his own, that he does it for him, and he has the commitment and willpower to stay with it. You want to see what happens. You can't do it for him.
No, he doesn't just walk back into your life and back into your bed. Be honest with yourself that he's a drug addict, and get yourself an STD test because you don't know how many women he has slept with while on drugs. Drugs don't make a person "discriminating" a person with diseases are okay for sex when someone is on drugs.
Get into counseling and work on yourself now. I believe in relationships that you can't go backwards and have to go forwards. That means you can't take the relationship back to another time and you have to live it in the present.
You want to remember how bad things were and don't want to fall into bed with him any time he shows up and you want to stop him from showing up until about a year from now. You want to give him the time to concentrate on him and get really clean and sober and get his life straightened out.
You want to remember that he is an addict that will relapse. Even celebrities with the most money and greatest access to help and resources relapse with drugs. Even actor/comedian Robin Williams relapsed after 20 years of sobriety. It happens and it will happen to your ex husband.
My hope is that in one year you will be faced with the person who will be long-term sober. They are a changed person, their age mentally freezes at when they started drugs so that's another consideration, and you may not even like him and he may not you. People don't always stay together after one undergoes sobriety.
Below is a site to find local meetings of Nar-Anon, for family and friends of drug addicts. Find meetings near you and attend. Find out everything, learn not to be an enabler, and get the real facts.
http://www.nar-anon.org/naranon/About_Nar-Anon
My boyfriend now is the first serious boyfriend since my ex. I don't want to hurt him. I can't believe how vulnerable I've let myself be. I feel bad for my poor choice. But I'm going to keep moving forward. I need to allow myself to grieve the loss.
Again Thank you