love is where the desire to get, meets the desire to give

it's been my opinion for a very long time now that if things aren't close to equal in that department, resentments grow

you can keep count and grab what's yours

or you can try and invite him to become more sensitive, either through discussion or couples counselling, so that this issue doesn't fester

I hear ya sister, it was the bain of my existence with my exS, it's painful to ask for little and not receive it

give it your best shot before you give up/in

Men tend to think of themselves more than women do, when the baby cried, my x used to look over at me. Hmmm... guess it's always my turn with the baby? If you dare point it out, he will only get mad bc this is his nature, you can't go against nature. You'll just have to decide if you can tolerate his selfish ways.

of course there are exceptions to every rule.

I actually got him to sit down for just a few min and listen to my concerns. I choose my words very carefully and said I didn't want to feel jealous because he found "things" that he enjoyed and I didn't want to feel like they came before me. I asked if there were "things" that he may be interested in that WE could share so I didn't feel the way I am feeling! I told him I didn't want to resent the fact that he could find joy and fulfillment in things when I can't. He listened and said let me know what you want me to do with you and I am there. Then kissed me on my head and said I will be right back I have to go get this fuse put back in the truck so I don't have to mess with it in the morning! Ughhh! I give up!

I am puzzled as to why you keep choosing men that you don't like. That just doesn't seem to make any sense.

Hmmm Faithful, you think that is what I am doing? The "20 yr long marriage" choose me cause a baby came along and I thought that was what I was supposed to do (even though he became an abusive drunk). The next was a rebound love who lied to me and I really thought I loved everything about him, it was what I didn't know that killed me (cheater!) This one is someone I like (and love). It very much could be me that is the problem this time. Maybe since I have never had a healthy real relationship I'm not sure how they are supposed to work. Maybe I like his company sooo much I want more of his time and attention than I should ask of him? That is why I am asking? Is it greedy or selfish for a man to go from one interest to another and be consumed by it? And would it be right or wrong for me to find things that take me away from him and the kids like his interests do? Is it my place to just smile while I chase kids, cook meals and work full time (making more and contributing more to the household than he does) while he spends money and time on his own things? I know that sounded bitter I don't want to be I just wanted to clarify my situation. He is not a bad guy and he works as hard or harder than I do. I just want to be more to him than just a bill paying partner and kid raiser! Am I asking too much? Am I wrong?

couples counselling

I agree Joy! We have set up some time to do just that! I hope it helps us work things out so we both get what we need from each other! Thanks :)

If you feel like that, cut out the greed now. See if you are taken advantage of, you have to get a return. Why are you the giver to takers?

I saw your discussion posted in the blog: Are Humans Basically Greedy?

I've been where you are at. When I was married, he went everyday to buy his business newspaper that come out at a special time so while picking up that newspaper, he never once brought me back a soda, a candy bar, absolutely nothing. I was always giving. We were married 6 (six) yrs, and NO kids so he had plenty of money in his pocket at all times. I would frequently pick up a Mrs. Smith's cookie for him in the Mall and drop it off at his place of employment and sometimes met him for his break; he enjoyed this because I could see the joy on his face, but he NEVER reciprocated. I told him often, out of sight, out of mind! After the divorce, he called me at work, 7 yrs later, I asked him, Why didn't you EVER bring me back a soda or candy? He gave a lame answer: I thought about it many times but never did. I never believed a word he said and not that line either!

This happens to the best of us!

The stereo and the cell phone are just the tip here and there's a whole underbelly that needs to be addressed and it truly needs counseling. It may work out that the therapist wants to do each of you in separate sessions to start, then bring in both of you for joint sessions later on. That way he can actually get the side of each of you without the other in the room and get any other problems out too.

Many hugs and I wish you the best.

I wanted to post to wannab, but since this is from June 2011, I think she is long gone.

are you looking at the tip of the iceberg?
tangled web here. i would get to a counselor.
seems his selfish side runs deeper

Thanks Gem for letting us know we are posting to an ancient post from 2011. I never look at the dates, so I'm very glad you were there to look for me. My cat will be very displeased with me as I am supposed to be her human eyes and ears.