Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I'd been thinking about going to court to get justice for infedility ...but its going to be a 2-3 years battle with what consequences?...I'm not not sure.
I was thinking about fighting for my rightful maintenance (alimony) ...infact I wanted a lumpsum amount--something the court doesnt award here. So, to fight for some measely monthly amount for the sake of 'justice' is what I would really be doing--an amount the court would decide--if I'm working, the amount would be lesser!
I have a huge education loan and the stbx 's latest offer is an apartment on our joint names--he's saying i can sell it off--that could help me write off my education loan (with whats left on repaying the bank loan on which this apartment was taken).
While I was all out to 'fight', when I recently went through job portals in my profession--a lecturer of marketing in business schools, I realised I wouldnt be making tons of money ; plus repaying the education loan monthly would be a killer and worse, a monthly alimony of peanuts would bring me back to nothing really.
I just finished speaking to the stbx about reconsiderign the apartment offer and boy, did he seem relieved. Going to the court for justice as I thought seems like not such a great idea---principles wise, I might seem like i've lost again...hopefully, life will serve him with the justice. If I can just resume a new life with no debts on my head, I could lead a more comfortable life...breaking him down/fighting with him seems like 'heroic' but something not so practical & perhaps not even worth it.(sour grapes)
Maybe I'm being weak, maybe I'm not being this super strong woman but I dont really think i have the strength to fight in court for something i might not be satisfied with anyhow. He wins in a way again--i'd rather lose this one for a more secure future which hoping the sale of this apartment might bring to me. Not fighting in court also would mean a joint-custody for my daughter ... meaning she shares half her time with me and with him--2 /3 years with me and then 2/3 years with him : --sounds awful to me but with the money liabilities I seem to have little option. I'm telling myself, maybe the joint custody would be good for her. (sour grapes)
I dont even know if this stbx may back out from this offer knowing that i seem to be in need, so nothing's really for sure: if he does, i would have no option but to go for the court dispute.
I just need to trust Life ..hope things work out; he gets what he deserves from the 'waht goes around comes around' bit... and i can find a new life which i can lead with peace and comfort with my daughter even if the joint custody hurts my pride.
Maybe i'm 'selling out'... but i need to also see whats practical and whats ok for my peace of mind. Have told him i'll take 2 days to confirm all this --2 days when i can gather more information. But I have a sick feeling in my stomach ; i seem to be bowing down again but i need to be realistic even if it means surrendering the romantic & unrealisitc notion of fighting for justice in court and bringing him down to his knees. Not very inspirational this, huh?! :(
I was thinking about fighting for my rightful maintenance (alimony) ...infact I wanted a lumpsum amount--something the court doesnt award here. So, to fight for some measely monthly amount for the sake of 'justice' is what I would really be doing--an amount the court would decide--if I'm working, the amount would be lesser!
I have a huge education loan and the stbx 's latest offer is an apartment on our joint names--he's saying i can sell it off--that could help me write off my education loan (with whats left on repaying the bank loan on which this apartment was taken).
While I was all out to 'fight', when I recently went through job portals in my profession--a lecturer of marketing in business schools, I realised I wouldnt be making tons of money ; plus repaying the education loan monthly would be a killer and worse, a monthly alimony of peanuts would bring me back to nothing really.
I just finished speaking to the stbx about reconsiderign the apartment offer and boy, did he seem relieved. Going to the court for justice as I thought seems like not such a great idea---principles wise, I might seem like i've lost again...hopefully, life will serve him with the justice. If I can just resume a new life with no debts on my head, I could lead a more comfortable life...breaking him down/fighting with him seems like 'heroic' but something not so practical & perhaps not even worth it.(sour grapes)
Maybe I'm being weak, maybe I'm not being this super strong woman but I dont really think i have the strength to fight in court for something i might not be satisfied with anyhow. He wins in a way again--i'd rather lose this one for a more secure future which hoping the sale of this apartment might bring to me. Not fighting in court also would mean a joint-custody for my daughter ... meaning she shares half her time with me and with him--2 /3 years with me and then 2/3 years with him : --sounds awful to me but with the money liabilities I seem to have little option. I'm telling myself, maybe the joint custody would be good for her. (sour grapes)
I dont even know if this stbx may back out from this offer knowing that i seem to be in need, so nothing's really for sure: if he does, i would have no option but to go for the court dispute.
I just need to trust Life ..hope things work out; he gets what he deserves from the 'waht goes around comes around' bit... and i can find a new life which i can lead with peace and comfort with my daughter even if the joint custody hurts my pride.
Maybe i'm 'selling out'... but i need to also see whats practical and whats ok for my peace of mind. Have told him i'll take 2 days to confirm all this --2 days when i can gather more information. But I have a sick feeling in my stomach ; i seem to be bowing down again but i need to be realistic even if it means surrendering the romantic & unrealisitc notion of fighting for justice in court and bringing him down to his knees. Not very inspirational this, huh?! :(
Do what you are comfortable with and can live with. It is your life. Don't let your success or failure be defined by anyone but yourself.
((((HUGS))))
I don't think it is being a defeatist at all. You know best what your chances are with the legal system in your country, and if it is going to be a long protracted fight for nothing in the end, then I think you are being very smart.
What is most important is your own peace of mind and being able to get on with you own life and to find happiness again. If it is to let him off without a long fight, then that is what is best for you. It is not weakness, it is smart.
Big ((hugs))
Aditi, I don't know the system in your country which may be different. You are an intelligent woman and we have given you advise and its now up to you to search yourself and do what you feel is the right thing for yourself and your daughter. Just make sure its what YOU want, and no one else. You are the one who will live with your decision and not us and not your husband.
In any event, with the exception of a few remaining (mostly Southern) states, Alimony is NOT any sort of "punitive" damages. Alimony is strictly a way of equalizing the financial picture for both parties involved in a divorce. Misconduct is misconduct, and infidelity can be used as grounds for divorce, but again, it won't get you any more in the final settlement.
I also wonder where you got the idea that if you do fight for alimony that it would take 2 or 3 years....I went for Alimony and my now-X fought tooth and nail, but it only took 18 months for it all to be finalized and done -- INCLUDING the trial!
My best advice for you is to consult with at least one family law attorney before making any verbal or written decisions about how you and your stbx are going to divvy up your marital assets. There are lots of excellent attorneys who give FREE INITIAL CONSULTATIONS. Let your fingers do the walking through the "yellow pages" -- if they still exist -- and start looking. The other advantage of doing this research is that once YOU consult with an attorney about your case, your stbx cannot use them!
Be strong. Educate yourself. Knowledge is POWER.
I did NOT want any court deciding what I was getting and what I was not. I pushed hard for 18 months to get the X to agree to the settlement on my terms (which included a nice alimony amount and duration) and he finally agreed -- but only at the absolute 11th hour before trial. This kind of agreement is ironclad in that the court will UPHOLD IT, but cannot change or modify it. That's the biggest advantage. You don't want your X quitting his job and then coming whining to the judge about not being able to afford this and that.
I am a huge advocate in getting this kind of settlement agreement and there are others on Divorce After 20+ Years who went the same route. It's as close to an absolute guarantee that you can get.
Good luck with this, aditi, if you are listening.
I've got mixed responses here and I consider each valuable and thank you all for the same. I have 2-3 days to find out stuff, consult my lawyer and all ...then lets see. Maybe its cold feet; maybe its me thinking a long drawn court dispute will not serve much purspose to me (esp., when I thought a lumpsum alimony as a 'punitive' measure is/can be awarded by the court, which it is not); maybe its me taking the offer of the apartment which could help me better than any alimony (the amount which I'm not sure of--the court decides and I have my doubts ); maybe i'm playing it safe: these issues dont matter (its not a statment of who/what I am )...I dunno...this is something , even while confused and unsure, a decision i need to take , like some have rightly advised me here.
As of now, what I know is this : between (A) starting a new, comfortable, secure and peaceful life and (B) getting some sort of revenge by fighting out in court. (what kind of revenge? it doesnt work that way anyways ), I am trying for option 'A' first. Wow...divorce is some seriously pathetic stuff !!
(out of the blue--) Hey, if anybody wants to take a break to come to India, lemme know--I would love to be your guide !!!
If you do joint custody, be prepared your ex may not parent the same way you do (which is the biggest issue I have with my ex). In my case my ex brought a woman home, he barely knew (she slept there regularly while the kids slept there). That relationship didn't last. It scared me to death he would go through a string of women, exposing our kids to more strange women, thankfully he has not done that ever since. The other thing, I don't care for, is he dumps the kids off on his mom a lot. He did not talk to him mom for 2 yrs for good reason (she stopped talking to her after she totaled her car, while driving home drunk on one of her gambling binges). So just be prepared for stuff like that. That he may not parent or make the same choices you do.
Also, try to get some type of monthly income (alimony or child support), if you can, as I found out the hard way, there are things like renting an apartment, renting a car (when my car died on me), it is difficult to get if you do not have some kind of income or employment history (I had been a stay at home mom for 8 yrs). Not impossible, but I remember having to jump through some hoops on that kind of stuff, that I didn't anticipate. I had a large settlement from the divorce, which helped, but not having the employment history, no income was hard.. Just thought I'd mention that. I did eventually find a job (thank god), It took me six months. I got a lucky break in that I had worked with my boss before. He received my resume from a head hunter, and he recognized my name right away. It can happen to you too, put your name out there, toot your horn!! And something will turn up.
I do understand wanting to get the divorce behind you. I did too, Our divorce took a monht, I waived the six months waiting period. it's so hard to know sometimes what to do sometimes. You just want the pain to go away, and move on... I get that. Sounds like you've carefully thought things out. Which is good.
Good luck to you!! ((HUGS))
Again good luck to you. I hope my post doesn't scare you, just wanted to give a little more information, on what I ran into after the divorce. As someone who did joint custody. Not many women have joint custody around here, usually the guy gives the kids ot the mom. But my ex didn't want to do it that, way as he didn't want to pay child support. So It hought I'd provide my experience, as there are many women in our situatino, who want the kids, but have joint custody (vs full custody).