How old are your sons? If your husband is irresponsible would it be good to have them live with their dad? I'm sure my kids would choose their dad over me but someone has to be the parent....

13 and 10. Imma depressed mess. The boys miss their Dad. I look at their sad faces and I'm tired.

You say your husband is very self-absorbed. How is it going to help your kids to be around a parent like that? You are still going to be separated only now they will be with a parent who couldn't care less about how they feel. Divorce is very hard on the kids, even the college age ones. I don't think there is any getting around that. What's to stop you and your kids from going to family counseling now? You are still a family. Maybe they (and you) would do better with individual counseling too.

The kids are difficult and I don't have strength to fight. I wish you knew how tired I am..

I get how tired ... grief and depression can really take it out of you. When I was in the early days, all I wanted was to sleep. I could not keep my eyes open.

But, you can't let yourself go to sleep... you are still in shock. As hard and painful as it is to muster the energy to deal with the kids, for me, that is what pulled me thru.

Choose the few things that are most important to focus on (eg kids, etc) and put your energy into that. Then let everything else slide and cut yourself some slack.

You can do it.

Yes shock. I don't understand how he could detach himself so easily. My little one fights me on everything. I used to be the fun loving mom. Now I lay in bed under two electric blankets and take Benadryl. My stbx says I'm weak and tells the kids I'm doing this wrong.

That's one of the worst aspects about divorce I think. I can remember how tired I was in the beginning ... too tired and depressed to fight for things I knew I had to fight for, too tired and depressed to take care of myself, too tired and depressed to care about anything really. Unfortunately, that's also when you really have to make a lot of very important decisions that can affect the outcome of your divorce, your financial future and the health and stability of you and your kids. I was fortunate that I had and still have a fantastic therapist who has helped me navigate all the peaks and valleys of the last six months. Have you thought about going into counseling? I also found meditating to be a big help. Even just 20 minutes a day had a positive effect. Are your kids in counseling? I think that would help them more than being with a self-absorbed dad. It's difficult when you feel responsible for everyone else's reaction to your divorce. It's very painful to watch your kids suffer and feel like you caused it all, but if your marriage was bad to begin with, then they have been suffering since before the divorce, just in different ways. Sometimes a divorce ends up being the best thing that happens for the kids because it removes the toxic parent from their lives and gets them some much needed counseling so they can heal. It doesn't come easily though and certainly not overnight. Think of it like this ... you go into the hospital for an operation. You may have been sick and somewhat limited in what you could do before the operation, but after the operation, you are REALLY hurting and limited. Nonetheless, you have to start physical therapy, which hurts even more sometimes. Does this mean you aren't healing? Does this mean the operation failed? No. It's all part of the process of healing and all very necessary. Build up your support system with family, friends, neighbors, teachers, parents of your kids' friends ... even other people in your community. In the past six months, I've become so much closer to divorced people I knew only marginally before. I just go up to them and say, "How did you ever manage to get through your divorce without losing your mind?" Most people are really eager to open up about their divorces, share their resources and offer help. They know what it's like. They've been in your shoes. You have to make the first move though.

Samantha what a long and thoughtful response. From a complete stranger that was so wonderful. My ten year old we speak still needs so much mommy time and I have nothing. I'm sitting on the sofa and all I want to do is crawl in my bed and die. I hate for the kids to see me like this. I'm going to try therapy again but right now I don't have the money. I feel so alone and it hurts.

Take your kids and give them the biggest hug. They will always love you if you are there for them. I know it's hard - I think at times if I just drove off the cliff then everyone will be just fine but I know they won't. My kids still need me.

I did hug my kids and I love them so much.

You aren't alone. I promise you that. Do an internet search for divorced groups in your area. You don't want a meet market, but rather a support group. A lot of people on here attend Divorce Care support groups. I don't, but I've heard wonderful things about them and I think they are free. Google Divorce Care in your area and see if they have any groups locally. They are all over the country I think.

One thing that jumped out at me is when you said you take Benadryl and go to bed. I get the worst Benadryl "hangovers" when I take that stuff. It takes a good two days to get out of my system and for me to stop feeling sluggish and tired.

I ran a support group for domestic abuse victims for six years and the book that was our group bible was Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." I urge you to get a copy of that either online or at your public library. If they don't have it, ask them to get it for you via inter-library loan. Reading it is like a year's worth of therapy rolled into one afternoon. He also has another book that I highly recommend called, "When Dad Hurts Mom" about how to co-parent with an abuser. Now you might be thinking that you weren't married to an abuser, but let me tell you that domestic abuse is much more than physical abuse. It's mental, emotional, financial and sexual abuse as well. If he is as self-absorbed as you say, I can pretty much guarantee you that you suffered domestic abuse.

The following is an excerpt from Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men".

"When Is It Abuse?

There is a difference between having a bad day and being a jerk and a pattern that adds up to something more serious. Behaviors such as name calling, interrupting and acting selfish and insensitive are hurtful and worthy of criticism but they aren't all abuse, except when they are part of a pattern of abuse. Abuse is about power, it means that a person is taking advantage of a power imbalance to exploit or control someone else.

The lines where subtler kinds of mistreatment end and abuse begins include the following actions:

He retaliates against you for complaining about his behavior- repeating behaviors he knows you dislike, switching into the role of the victim, ridiculing you for complaining of mistreatment. He doesn't believe that you have the right to defy him.

He tells you that your objections to his mistreatment are your own problem- says you are too sensitive, you think everyone is abusing you, you're angry because you are not getting your own way. He is trying to persuade you that you have unreasonable expectations of his behavior, that you are actually reacting to something else and that you are using your complaints against him. These tactics are to discredit your complaints of mistreatment, which is abusive. His core attitude is "you have no right to object to how I treat you".

He gives apologies that sound insincere or angry, and he demands you accept them. He feels entitled to forgiveness and demands it.

He blames you for the impact of his behavior- For example, if she is mistrustful of him because of his mistreatment of her, he says that her lack of trust is causing her to percieve him as abusive, reversing cause and effect in a mind-twisting way. If your partner criticizes or puts you down for being badly affected by his mistreatment, that is abuse.

It's never the right time, or the right way, to bring things up- Initial defensiveness is common even in non-abusive people. With an abuser however, even time after an argument to cool off doesn't help. In fact, the time between arguments may be used to build a case against you.

He undermines your progress in life- he tells you that you are incompetent at something you enjoy, causes you to lose a job or drop out of school, takes advantage of you financially and ruins your economic security, causes damage to your relationships with friends and family.

He denies what he did- denying actions such as name calling or pounding his fist on the table

Justifies hurtful or frightening acts or says you "made him do it"- He may tell you he can yell because you're not listening to him or says he will stop one form of abuse if you stop doing something that bothers him, which often will be something you have every right to do.

He touches you in anger or puts you in fear in other ways- even if it only happens once, physical aggression is abuse. If he raises a fist, punches a hole in the wall, throws things at you, blocks your way, restrains you, grabs you, pushes, pokes or threatens to hurt you, that is physical abuse. He is creating fear and using your need for safety to control you. Call a hotline as soon as possible if any of these things happens to you. Physical abuse is dangerous. Once it starts in a relationship, it can escalate over time to more serious assaults. Any form of physical intimidation is highly upsetting to children who are exposed to it.

He coerces you into having sex or sexually assaults you- sexual assault or chronic sexual pressure is abuse.

His controlling, disrespectful or degrading behavior is a pattern- wil you will need to form your own conclusions about whether your partner's mistreatment of you has become repetitive.

You show signs of being abused- are you afraid of him? Are you getting distant from friends and family? Is your level of energy and motivation declining, do you feel depressed? Is your self-opinion declining? Do you find yourself constantly preoccupied with the relationship and how to fix it? Do you feel like you can't do anything right?

Control Tactics in Arguments
Sarcasm
Ridicule
Distorting what happened in an earlier interaction
Sulking
Accusing you of doing what he does, or thinking the way he thinks
Using a tone of absolute authority
Interrupting
Not listening, refusing to respond
Laughing out loud at your opinion or perspective
Turning your grievances around to use against you
Changing the subject to his grievances
Criticism that is harsh, undeserved or frequent
Provoking guilt
Playing the victim
Smirking, rolling his eyes, contemptuous facial expressions
Yelling, out-shouting
Swearing
Name calling, insults, put downs
Walking out
Towering over you
Walking towards you in an intimidating way
Blocking a doorway
Physical intimidation, such as getting too close when angry
Threatening to leave or harm you"

http://www.hipmama.com/blog/node/when-it-abuse-lundy-bancrofts-why-does-he-do

Wow. I've always wondered if I was being abused.. it's so weird that you say that. So after a horrible fight Friday I went no contact until today. I still haven't contacted him. He came to the house and I followed him to the car to talk. I asked him if he was seeing someone. He states I don't want to know the answer to that question. We talk in circles for awhile and then we hug each other for a long time. I think he only wants me when I'm getting stronger. I'm going to get that book.

Honestly my mind has never been this messed up. My Dad says something is wrong as do my close male friends and brothers. I wonder who and what I'm dealing with?

So, now you know by his response that he IS seeing someone. You can see what kind of jerk you're dealing with. Doesn't this make you not want to hug him anymore? He is playing games with you. You do NOT deserve this. You're a strong woman and mother. You can get through this!

Do you work? If so, does your work offer and Employee Assistance Program (EAP)? You can start counseling that way. If your husband's employer has an EAP, you're entitled to use it as well. Get yourself the help you need, so you can be there for your kids.

I know this is difficult, I left after a 26 year marriage. I didn't want to leave bed for weeks. But you're going to make it through this. You have to gather your strength and get out in the world with others. This helps to remove some of the depression.

I wish you the best!