Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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gettingitstraight 03/21/2013

ok brief rundown before i rant, timeline

november - wife has several emotional affairs via phone with guys from other states
november wife has gastric bypass, but night before her surgery admits of sexting and having cam sex with multiple men,
November tells me she wants divorce

december we live in same house, she continues one relationship with a guy in TN

Januanry she finally moves in with her mother, her BF in TN dies

February, she starts a phone relationship with a convicted murderer

march moves into her own apartemnt with our kids

march begins to have real relationship with my ex best friend who is an abusive alcoholic. our last and final act of friendship was me bailing him out of a situation that he was too drunk too deal with.

ok now that i layed out the timeline of events, your first questino is what did i do wrong, i still dont know. my wife was codependant, my only real crime enabling her. i did everything in the house she never made a decision not that i did not want her to she never knew how, i would ask and want her opinion alot, never got it.

she obviously wanted sex, but umm both our kids slept in bed with her at night and i slept on the couch, why cause she would let them

my kids are 12 and 9 my oldest has aspergers, i just dont get how we while things may have not been exciting, and we had our schedule of doing things that worked, i dont know what drove her down such a crazy path and why i cant make her realize the self destruction she is causing, is it cause she was so sheltered by her mom, then i took over and handled things now she is sowing her wild oats, i dont get it, can someone give me input, sorry this is so long

deleted_user 03/21/2013

Why do you feel you did something wrong? You can't "cause" someone to cheat. It's inside them. She's messed up, maybe has been for a long time. You can't fix her. You can't control her. She's an adult and can make her own decisions, for better or worse. All you CAN do is protect your children from the people she chooses to associate with by going to court and getting restricted visitation on her part. Fight for those kids. They will be your lifeline in the future. Hang in there!

deleted_user 03/21/2013

First of all, don't blame yourself for her actions, or her selfishness... You can't make anyone do anything. Secondly, if she is running around with the kind of people you say that she is, you need to get your kids out of that situation and get them somewhere safe! Who knows what they are being exposed to!! A convicted murderer?!!! Abusive people?!! And why would you want to be with someone that you know has cheated on you emotionally and physically?

I say leave her, get your kids and move on. Your kids need, and deserve a healthly and happy environment to grow up in and their health needs to be attended to. Not only that, but if they continue to be subjected to this type of behavior, they are going to think this is normal and acceptable. You and your kids deserve better...good luck and best wishes to you!

Rman 03/21/2013

Sexting and cam sex with multiple men.

Phone relationship with convicted murderer.

Real relationship with your ex best friend who is an abusive alcoholic.

I know you really want to figure out the "why" in this whole mess which is your wife, but the fact of the matter is that it really doesn't matter. You may never know why she has chosen to live such a destructive life. But one thing is most certain...she has had some issues in the past, that perhaps stem from a father, or lack of a father figure in her life. She sounds like she needs therapy. Sorry about this whole thing.

gettingitstraight 03/21/2013

we have shared custody of the kids and literally they are with me 90 percent of the time, they are at her house 3 hours a day after school and one of her days off a week t hey sleep over, the rest of the time they are with me. she would not do anything to hurt the kids i know that she has too much to loose and would not go there, as for a father figure her dad is the greatest guy, i haver known her and him for 30 years i was friends with her brother in high school. so i dont think its a father figure thing, i guess i am not blaming myself but tired of listening to her blame me, and just needing to vent

gem111 03/21/2013

I am sorry that you are going through all of this. It must be really hard and I do hope it gets better.
Is there any way you could prove the relationship with the convicted murder??? If you could prove it, I would suggest, along with any other proof of actions that would be in your best interest maybe try to get permanent, full time custody of the kids--just in case things get worse for her.
I'm NOT suggesting their mother doesn't see them now-----just in case---- for sometime in the future if you need it for the kids welfare if she gets crazier.
I wish you and the kids the best.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))

gettingitstraight 03/21/2013

gem i have proof but i obtained the proof under not so on the level means, but she confessed to me everytrhing

deleted_user 03/21/2013

Hi Getting: Sometimes we never get to find out "why." We here are all good people and give all to our marriages and don't understand "why."

There was a man here for a while and his wife left with his kids and she went on drugs. It's so sad and who can really explain it.

For the people who have had physical and/or emotional abuse, it's hard to understand "why" us and "why" did it happen at all.

We can't always explain why the other person does what they do. And they don't always see that they do anything wrong, or they don't want to discuss it.

At this point, I so hope you will focus on you and children. You can't make her talk about it and "explain it" to you, you can't fix her, and you can't drag her to a therapist. She is making her own choices, even though they are bad choices and she can't blame those choices on you. You have to let her make those choices and eventually I believe she will regret them, but you have to let her experience the consequences and the regret. Take care and many hugs.

deleted_user 03/21/2013

It seems to me from your various posts on this forum and the codependency forum that perhaps her parents over-did for her, and she has a hard time functioning like a true adult. But again, there's nothing you can do about that. They're her issues to work through, or not. Take care of those kids.

deleted_user 03/21/2013

for some reason, you picked a woman that you were never going to be able to work with and tried for years anyway. you have to release her and make a stable home for yourself and your kids.

normal women are content with one good man. you have to see that your wife is hopeless and loves it.

Blindsidedagain 03/21/2013

Have u considered pushing for sole custody?

You may have enough to make a case for it.

deleted_user 03/21/2013

In reguards to the self blame, one theory for why I think I do it is that it makes me feel like I controlled what happened rather than the world giving me a big ole FU. It gives me a way to understand how the world works, but at the same time I am hurting myself by bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders even though I did nothing wrong. Does that make sense? Are you aware of it when you blame yourself? Reguarding the kids, I agree with OP that you might be able to at the very least get restrictions put on anyone she dates being around the kids if they have a record. My husbands mistress threw herself at him while I was pregnant, sent me a message saying she won, and befriended the HR department at their work so that anyone who complained about the affair got fired, but I still have an uphill battle making sure she can't go near my kids, but I am hoping she does something to get a record since I doubt someone of her character can stay out of trouble for too long, and then I can keep her away from the kids.

deleted_user 03/22/2013

Soanyways: I get that you're pissed at the woman, as well you should be. What she did was despicable. But, don't forget who she cheated WITH. Your husband is the one to blame here. If he was an honorable man, then it wouldn't matter who threw themselves at him. He would have stayed faithful to his wife. You should be mad at him, because he's the one that ruined your marriage. Sure she had a hand in it, but again if he were an honorable man he wouldn't have cheated. Tread lightly when it comes to using the kids against him. It can backfire. Do what it truly in your kids' best interests. If he has been a good father (cheating on you doesn't make him a bad father, just a bad husband), then let the kids have a good relationship with him. Using kids as pawns will mess them up. And by trying to get back at her you will be ruffling his feathers, and it will be taken out on the kids in one way or another.

deleted_user 03/22/2013

Regarding the "Why?" issue. I understand it. I always want to know why. You know what the truth is: Nobody knows why anybody does anything.

I almost ruined a perfectly good reconciliation by asking "why?" too often. My spouse apologized and I have to let it go. He's a good man, we're back together and happy.

There are some questions that aren't worth asking.

Just my opinion. Good luck. Take care of yourself and fight for those kids!!! Stick around here and you'll start feeling 100% better.

gettingitstraight 03/25/2013

Soanyways I understand what you meanand thanks for your input. Cheryt I am confused you commented on my post in the other forum I was the codependant one. I don't how that is I am a survivor meaning I do what I have to too live to make end meet to provide for my family. If anything I enable because our family could not wait for her to make a decision. And I don't know if your referencing another post by so anyways but I don't read half of what you saw in hers

deleted_user 03/25/2013

I mean codependency tendencies because you "overdid" so she didn't have to do her part. Us codes do that - we pick up the slack for others because we think we have to, and then get pissed because we "have to." I was guilty of that myself. I still don't see either how I could have dealt with my issues any other way without our family falling apart. I guess I could have demanded more from him and not settled for less. But my big issue is I fear abandonment, so I don't make waves because I don't want to get left. Ironically, I was the one who finally left. By picking up the slack for others, we don't allow them to feel the brunt of their bad choices in life and learn to live a different way. As I said, I'm guilty of this as well. I'm sorry if my post was confusing.

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