Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
You know, just before I decided to post this thread, I realized how dumb of a question I am getting ready to ask. I was finally able to leave a relationship that was not good for me and was very emotionally challenging and draining. I did care for this individual very deeply, but he did alot of hurtful things in our relationship. He cheated, and had been very flirty with other girls more than a person in a relationship should be.
Like I said, it was my decision to leave, and I also wanted to try to remain friends. I thought I could handle it, but I have come to find out that its not true. Since we have split, he is starting to be very flirty with a girl that I felt very threatened by when we were together. It irritates me because he always told me there was nothing there, and they were just friends. It makes me believe that he was lying and that there is alot in our relationship that he wasnt truthful about. It makes me feel like the whole relationship was a lie, and I was there just to fill a need.
I am glad I am out of this relationship. I have no intentions of going back into something that caused me so much stress and heartache. But I am beginning to re think this whole 'remain friends' thing. I am beginning to feel that little pieces are being revealed to me one at a time that I was blinded by in trying to make our relationship work in the past.
So, my question is: Has anyone left a relationship, or been left by someone and still remained friends?
I know that if it bothers me, there is nothing that states we have to be friends and I should just move on. I was trying to let him know there were no hard feelings and that I still cared for him as a person... but now I am beginning to figure out, there ARE alot of hard feelings.
Like I said, it was my decision to leave, and I also wanted to try to remain friends. I thought I could handle it, but I have come to find out that its not true. Since we have split, he is starting to be very flirty with a girl that I felt very threatened by when we were together. It irritates me because he always told me there was nothing there, and they were just friends. It makes me believe that he was lying and that there is alot in our relationship that he wasnt truthful about. It makes me feel like the whole relationship was a lie, and I was there just to fill a need.
I am glad I am out of this relationship. I have no intentions of going back into something that caused me so much stress and heartache. But I am beginning to re think this whole 'remain friends' thing. I am beginning to feel that little pieces are being revealed to me one at a time that I was blinded by in trying to make our relationship work in the past.
So, my question is: Has anyone left a relationship, or been left by someone and still remained friends?
I know that if it bothers me, there is nothing that states we have to be friends and I should just move on. I was trying to let him know there were no hard feelings and that I still cared for him as a person... but now I am beginning to figure out, there ARE alot of hard feelings.
Initially its hard, but don't internalize what he does, remember all the good in the relationship and be glad you no longer have to put up with the difficult stuff.
In the beginning, it may be easier to avoid him, stories and gossip about him, because yes they are going to hurt, and this man appears to need female attention more than most so there will be stories.
He is probably hurting losing a compassionate, loving person too and is looking for a way to fill something in him.
The flirting and new relationships don't mean that he didn't love you or want to make your relationship work, he just couldn't.
Thats how I look at it now 1 1/2 years later.
I still love my Ex, he is a wonderful friend and father now, but seeing him sometimes feels very sad. And getting to this point wasn't easy or immediate, and it still requires a lot of work on my part to let things go.
So I guess what I am saying is that if you are going to have a friendship, you have to work through the pain he caused you first and forgive...its not easy...
Stay strong, build a shield around you while you are healing, If you can forgive and let him be who he is and not take it personal you can be friends, until then, keep your distance, walk away from stories about him take care of you.
You can let him know your intentions, say I need to get over you, I care for you and hope that we can be friends but for now, I need to heal...
Remember how you feel isn't forever, how things are now won't be how they are in a month or a year. As you grow and change you will have more in you to be friends if you choose to go that way.
For now TAKE CARE OF YOU
But topic in hand the feelings will take quite some time to get over, so a break off contact should happen for a bit to let these calm. If there were thoughts going through your head before you finally split i.e. interest in someone else, you will get more angry about the situation, which will make friendship pretty impossible.
I have tried in the past to remain friends but feelings were too strong in some respects. Be it still some love there, hate, disrespect...The list could be endless..You need time to adjust from being that couple to singletons.
He could be lashing out to a degree (at you) by showing affections to this woman. Don't let it get to you..This too has happened myself.
Good luck in what you decide
If you can remain friends, I commend you but, I believe in most cases, this does not work too well.
I have had a really tricky time ending my relationship - he was an alcoholic who could spend 100's a week on beer/drugs but nothing on bills. I was living on a knife edge with him but totally adored him. Anyhow, the relationship ended June last year and whilst I have certainly had HUGE problems emotionally dealing with this we are are now , unbelieveably, really close friends.
I had the initial hopes it would lead to a reconciliation (why I would want to I don't know! ) then I had the anger when it didn't but now I accept my responsibilities for what I allowed him to get away with in the relationship and figure that with out the burden of living with him and being responsible I like knowing him in life.
I dont see this as a hinderance in my moving on and can't say if it will last. But, yes - in some cases you can be friends.......
Maybe I should start listening to my own advice?
But when a serious relationship ends, I feel it's best to cut ties and move on. I'm not sure what the point in trying to be friends is?
That's not to say you don't treat each other in a "friendly" manner, with courtesy and respect. But that's it.
I have no desire whatsoever to be "friends" with my stbx. I want him out of my life as much as possible. My only interactions should be brief, businesslike, civil and necessary. Otherwise, he's part of the past.
You deserve to have much better in your life than that. Move on to better people and surround yourself with positive caring persons.
He cheated.
Why would you want to remain friends?
You are glad you are out of this relationship.
Why do you feel like you should remain friends?
some relationshisp can end because both parties realize that what they feel for each otehr is not lvoe, but in seems that your situation, much like mine, was not that way. I strongly suggest going no contact for a while, and if eventually you feel you want to be friends with him, go for it.
This was the answer I needed. He hadn't deserved my friendship as he had not deserved my love. And with friends like this..... who needs enemies.
If it turns into a big rehashing and rehurting and rearguing about everything, I would say no. If you can both be civil and all good with it, sure.
But this isn't up to anyone else. It's up to you and you alone. If you are finding that YOU can't do it, if it hurts you, don't do it.
Sending you support, L~
Would you like someone like him as a friend? I am not his friend. He tried to be my friend to relieve himself of the guilt.