Choosing the right person would be a good start!

downforthecount...first, glad the Atticus picture is back with us...

I did a google on the book you mentioned above. I had not heard of it before. And I came across the following summary on a part of the book..."Indeed, what is most important to both sexes, Gottman says, is the quality of the couple's friendship."

For reasons too boring and numerous to mention, seeing that line in print meant a great deal to me.

Me too chx, we simply never were friends....friends would never do to one another what we did to one another...

I'd love to have theat deep a friendship. I had it once in life and will always remember it fondly. Rare at best, dontcha think?

downforthecount, you'll never understand just how profound, or timely, your question is for me. Yes, that type of frienship is rare.

I know now what I'm NOT looking for.

John Gottman is the best. I've read all his books including 'The Marriage Clinic' which was written for therapists and explains very well why marital counseling doesn't work.

The cool thing about Gottman is a lot of his work is scientifically based - not just anecdotal. They take couples, put them in a lab and observe them over long periods of time.

Gottman was also one of the reasons I finally realized that my marriage wasn't going to work. In one of his books he talks about how a certain personality is very angry, critical and controlling and how that type of person doesn't make a very good marriage partner(my Stbx!). He also talks about how it is critical to the success of a marriage that the husband be willing to accept influence from his wife - my stbx never would. He discounted everything I said or did.

What makes a marriage successful? I'm no authority, but how about putting the other person's needs before your own or treating your spouse at least as well as you would treat your own good buddies? I've read tons of books on trying to save it, but my therapist told me that if the other person doesn't want to give 100% (not 50) there's no way it will be a healthy, productive marriage. I think he's right.

healing,

amen sister!

I guess I will give that book a try before I find someone. Thanks!!!!

That is a very good book. Our marriage counselor recommended it. I read it, he didn't. We had all of the signs of a marriage would fail but I agree that it is a great book to read before getting into another relationship.

Yes, I strongly recommend all persons married, engaged, divorced and single, to read his books--the "7 principles" and "The Relaionship Cure", and others too. But his insight would have helped me to realize what I was doing to damage relationships. I think it would have helped keep our marriage, even though my STBX was not 100% vested in us, I believe. We both would have grown into the commitment and keeping his promises had I/we would have known what could help strengthened us.

Read it. I've suggested it to several friends including my divorce care group. Also, there are Gottman certified counselors listed on this website. www.gottman.com.

Oh, and I found his book in the public library. Kept it for many weeks before buying my own copy... you'll want your own copy though. :)

imhealing ~

Totall agree! My stbx was always tops on my list, but I was lucky if I ranked in the top 10 on his. It's horrible being the runner up to friends, sports, work and beer.