Of course children do not want divorce. They love both their parents and want to be with both parents.

For me, I have come to realise that my parenting was terribly impacted by the dysfunction in the marriage. My STBX has addictions and it increasingly became an impossible situation.

One year ago, when we were just dealing with the end of the marriage, I worried terribly for my kids. While they will always be affected by the divorce and have not come out of this unscathed, they are actually much better now. Also they are benefiting from my improved parenting abilities now that I have really worked on me.

I know right now it seems absolutely impossible that life will be anything but painful. Just keep moving forward, work on you and eventually things will begin to stabilise.

((((HUGS))))

IMO
Sometimes a broken family is much better for kids to grow up in then a compleate family that is majorly broken in the sence of being bad. So many people forget what the screaming and fighting and abuse dose to children. I once counciled a friend on her marriage that her husband physically and emotionally abused her and cheated on her. I asked her if she realized in a negative way she was teaching her boys to grow up and be abusive and that it was ok for her daughters to marry men that beat them and cheated on them. Now i am not saying that will happen for sure, but it is a known fact that history dose tend to repeat itself if we dont stop it dead in its tracks. My father was abusive to me growing up and i refuss to be to my children so i took steps to prevent that cycle. My Ex wife was also abusive emotionally and verbally and I changed that too.

I think it is best for you to be honest with your daughter and council and support her through this. She will need you stroong and stable for her and I therapy would help you both out for awhile anyway if its a posibility. I have dealt with depression most of my life and know how trying it can be and how week it makes a person.

Hugs and best of luck!

I agree with the other two posts.

Plus, you gave it your all and it failed anyway.

Now the lesson to teach your kids is how to get up after getting knocked down......which is probably the most important lesson in life anyway.

Allow yourself to feel devestated right now, but in the coming years they'll be watching you more than listening to your words about how to get over this.

Healing Hugs,
Patti

I have a 7 yrs old and I can relate to your situation. it is much better for kids to grow up in a happy single parent home rather than dysfunctional both parent home. Don't think too much about the stigma of divorce in that part of the world. Kids are much more resilient than we think and they bounce back much faster than we do. Read some books with your daughter. One of them is 'dinosour divorce' and there are many more at Amazon. Make sure you take care of you so that you can make yourself capable of taking care of your daughter. It becomes much better with time and just keep doing the right thing.

i am with Karenhopeful. they would def. prefer to be with both parents, but i feel like living in a family where there is no love is no good for them either.

for mine i try to be nice to my stbx and his gf when they are around and i don't ask questions about what is going on at there dads house. i try to give them as much peace as i can and it seems to be working okay for us. they seem to be okay with everything.

Agreed with karen - my pain affected my parenting cause I couldn't focus on anything - now that I feel better I can take care of my kids better.
If your H doesn't treat you with love and respect your daughter won't grow up in a loving family.
Take care of yourself and re-assure her that both mom and dad love her. Stay strong!!! ((((HUGS))))

Staying together for the kids is a no-no in my universe. I know lots of people who have done it, and I know several people who are children who grew up in the house where the parents stayed together "for the kids". Its better to pull the bandaid off quickly than to do it slowly over years. I very much believe that it does more damage to grow up in a loveless household than to have separated parents.

Your pediatrician should have never said that to you. You should not feel guilty over what is happening. It is not your fault and you don't want to be married to a man that does not want to be married to you!

Please don't let what she said make you feel guilty. It is out of your control. You didn't ask for this and you have no control over what someone else does.

What you can do is tell and show your daughter that you love her, it was not her fault and you will be there no matter what to protect and take care of her. I also suggest you find a qualified therapist to help both of you deal with this situation.

Kids are pretty resilliant - Divorce is so common place these days that I'm sure she has friends who have gone through the same thing. 9 is young, but not that young. Kids are a lot smarter than we realize. They are bright and they do understand.

Just reinforce the love and the commitment you have to her - therapy to work through this pain.

I am sorry, but you need a new pediatrician...for goodness sake, they are supposed to give medical advice, not marital advice. What a joke! How dare they suggest that you need to stay in ANY marriage for the sake of the children, what if the guy is abusive?????

This doctor needs to geet real and give you some sound advice for easing your child into the divorce scenario, not telling you to "save" the marriage for the sake of the child...

I totally agree with KRK, and kmmp regarding the pediatrician even offering advice on marriage, and what a total crock! You do not have to do whatever it takes, because that is more harmful.

My 14 year old niece just posted on her facebook page, to her teenager friends, that "all the screaming, firghting, and crying foing on right now is really bad, and I'm glad it's the last nite that my older sister, Mom, and Dad have to be in the same room at one time. We're moving tomorrow, can't wait. " That gives you a clue about this family, it is not better to stay together, and attempt to negotiate anything, they tried that, and it didn't work with these 2 adults. Case in point!

It is sad, but kids are resilient, and they would rather come from a broken family than live in one! Living in one day in and out, takes a toll on the kids, as they know and feel the chaos and upset going on. Please, please kick that guilt to the curb, as it is a wasted emotion anyways. And that could be contributing to your depression. I'm sure you are hurt, and will need time to heal from this betrayal, but do not feel guilty about the ending of this relationship, it was not your fault, he chose to cheat, and fall out of love! It rests on his shoulders, really, not yours!

I do wish you the best of luck, and some compassion in overcoming your pain! It is tough, but in time, it eventually does get better!

please just remember that children feed off of the emotions, angst, fear, and happiness of their parents.

XoXo

Thanks all for your advice/comments. I know i cannot force this man to give up this 'love' he has found. Even if I were to do so, there would be a real scary atmosphere at home--him sulking away , holding a grudge against me, drinking as he pines for her and him and I in separate rooms and me feeling sad almost all times, trying desperately to put on a fake happy face for my child's sake. There would be no fighting and screaming but a lot of tension in the house.My daughter is sensitive enough to pick up on this --her parents not talking to each other would eat her up as it would , me. And yes, I need to be strong about this and share this with her as I know she is going through confusion --have no idea what that fool stbx has been telling her bout the situation and me. The blessing is she and I would be together soon.
Being a strong single mom would be better for me and my daughter. Thanks again ! :)