Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This is my first time posting. I know I'm not the only man to ever feel this, but I never thought I would be in this situation. My wife and I separated in March after almost 17 years of marriage and close to 23 years together. We have four beautiful children.
I made an ass of myself in September and after years of drinking, I decided to get sober. I begged for another chance with her. I fell completely in love with her again, despite my wife continually distancing herself from me. She had late meetings almost every night. The kids were almost always crying asking where mommy was. I couldn't give them answers. My anxiety ramped up, hoping against hope that she wasn't cheating on me. We continued to have sex during these months and sometimes I thought we had turned the corner. She even convinced me to get her a new wedding band in January although I knew I wouldn't be able to make my car payment on time. In February after she started to distance herself from me again, I had my sister in law watch our kids so my wife and I could have some time to ourselves. Then she broke my heart. She told me she had a three month affair with someone she didn't care about. It was just sex. She said she was angry about the years of drinking and decided to hurt me the worst way she could think of. Three months later, I'm still reeling. I have days when I feel great and am ready to move on with my life, but then I have a series of days when I just want to kill myself. I don't know how to be alone. I didn't want to start my life over at 40. When I look at her, I am still smitten. I know it's over, but I feel so alone and fear that I will never find someone else despite my friends stating that I'm a wonderful person and that any woman would be lucky to have me.
I've been living with my brother for six weeks, see and care for the kids almost daily. I move into a place closer to them soon, but this is tougher than any major depressive episode I have experienced and some days I just want to crawl into a hole...I left a lot of details out, because I've written too long, but things will work out, right?
I told her I wanted to work it out. She said she couldn't promise me that another affair wouldn't happen. I wrote her a letter the following week saying I will be ok and I forgave her for the affair and wanted to make the marriage work. I said in the letter that she needed to make the decision if she wanted to be with me.
We talked after she read the letter and she had interpreted it as I wanted a divorce. I think she wanted the divorce but didn't want to tell me.
I realize that I was not the perfect husband, but still did the majority of cooking, cleaning, homework and extracurriculars with the kids all while drinking. When I sobered up I woke up to the emotional distance I created between her and I. I worked very hard to reverse the wrongs in a short period of time. It was too late though.
She's been with me for more than half my life, so losing her is like losing my right arm. She will always be a part of my life it hurts knowing she doesn't love me anymore. I have told myself it's ok for me to love her still. I just can't be "in love" with her, otherwise I will never move on and end up living an empty, meaningless life pining for someone who may still be resentful towards me.
The night she told me about the affair she also said she could continue on, but she doesn't want to settle for things being "ok" that hurts too because I wasn't willing to settle for "just ok" either.
By the way, I'm going on 8 months sober and there's no turning back despite the s$@&show my life is currently.
First, good work on being sober, you've done well, keep that up, and 40, it's not that old and don't keep telling yourself it is, I'm 37 and I'm facing the same thing. My wife is currently cheating on me and telling me that she loves me, it's our 8th anniversary today so I'm clearly happy to get a card from her lol (she doesn't know that I know she is still carrying on).
Like yourself I have given the opportunity to stop it, to return to the family, but when she said that it's over and she isn't communicating with the other chap anymore and I found out she was, well then that's the trust 100% gone after all the lies before, it's over, though before legal advice I'm biting my tongue.
I was all for repair of the marriage, what's in the past is in the past, but it wasn't the past, it was just there, for me, that's not acceptable. Others may differ, but I held back from my first black and white review, made it grey and was then let down and am in black and white again.
Get a lawyer (not cheap) and get everything sorted out now. I know it's a hard time but why put yourself through more pain waiting to be destroyed?
I'm not trying to be harsh if I sound it, just very close to what I'm currently in, apart from yours has more honesty, and I'm 3 years younger :) But I am thinner and working out because of it... bonus?