Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This weekend is the first overnight my kids are having with their dad. I am so sad about it. Not just to be without them, but because they so didn't want to go, and we didn't have a choice. Last night they were up half the night, one crying and clinging to me and one saying her tummy hurt. Their dad abused them, we had a restraining order for some years, but the family court seemed to think it was a good idea to give him overnights once in a while if he got into therapy. I am very much in favor of the concept of kids having a relationship with both parents, and I try to help my kids have a positive relationship as much as they can and is safe with their dad, but overnights seems like such a bad idea to me. He went to therapy off and on for a decade while we were married and it never helped, he never stopped hitting. So now knowing the kids are there and scared feels like I have failed them, and that's the worst. I did everything I could, but I couldn't make them feel safe, the one thing a mom should do.
I just feel so crummy tonight.
I just feel so crummy tonight.
I can only begin to imagine your pain. Hoping that the time goes by quickly. Maybe try to stay busy.
The kids made it, and he kept his temper in check. So that is the best thing I could have asked for.
I'm trying to find a nice way of telling him that when he has time with them, he needs to actually take care of them (he didn't bathe them or brush their hair the entire weekend and apparently they stayed up until 1am watching scary movies last night, plus they arrived back home with a pile of dirty laundry for me to do.) I don't want to anger him, and I would like to communicate that I am pleased he didn't hurt them, but he still needs to be able to parent them.
glad there ok, I can never understand the courts, hear you have a dad that hit his children, had restraining orders, off and on therapy and they send kids to his home for over nights, god help us...
these should be supervised visits if any at all..
I would make sure they have a cell phone in there bag and have 911 on speed dial. no one has to know it's in there except one child ,
Walmart has those cheap ones for like 14.99 for the phone and you add minutes for like 19.99, tell them it's only for emergencies and hold give it them when they go to his house.
nothing you can do about the dirty laundry, or the hair, I can see the laundry but god comb out there hair.
hang in there.
One thing you might want to consider is a sort of checklist for your ex-husband for the next time they spend over there. He may honestly be oblivious to what parenting is about and may learn to appreciate the guidance. (Although he might complain about it at first). Just make a list of things he needs to know about the kids. What medications they take? What doses? What homework they might have to work on? Give a short morning and afternoon schedule: 7:30: bathtime. 8:00 pajamas and brush teeth. 8:30: read for 20 minutes. 9:00 bed time.
Optimistically, this could help teach him to be a better parent. It could help the both of you to form a consistent pattern for co-parenting your children. Pessimistically, he could totally ignore your checklists and do whatever he wants. In that case, you have written proof for the courts that you communicated a parenting strategy to your ex-husband that he continues to ignore.
Obviously in this case my ex *doesn't* know how to be a good parent, but he likes to think he does. One of our main sources of conflict during the marriage was he was always accusing me of 'interfering' when I would, for example, tell him he couldn't hit the kids. I don't want to antagonize him unnecessarily, I just want to keep the kids safe.
Maybe if I emailed him and asked if we could draw up a routine together, he'd be more open to it than if I just handed it down to him?
a great visit is your kids not getting lumped up,
profoundly sad system that promotes that rights of a "parent" over those of a child
#6's comments abou t a checklist should be coming from Children & Youth, do anything you can to things going between C&Y and the kids "father", that way if he missteps, you put pressure on C&Y to either resolve or keep him away from your kids
I think it's about how you approach it. If you say "Here's some information on what's going on with the kids and here's their normal routine." then it will tell him what the children are used to. If he really loves his children, then he would attempt to keep them on their schedule. I'm not sure I would call him up to build the schedule together.
You mentioned that you wanted to communicate to him that you are pleased that he did not hurt the children. I think that's a bad idea. I think it would send him the message that you expected him to hurt the children and that your surprised that he did not hurt the children. This may, in fact, be the case. You may be surprised that he didn't hurt the children, but this isn't what he wants to hear. He probably wants to think that he is a good father. You telling him that you are pleased that he did not hurt the children will anger him and make him shut down communications with you.
Rather, maybe just tell him some good things that the children might have communicated to you about their visit. They liked the pancakes he made for breakfast. They liked going out to the zoo. Just encourage the positive results.
I feel bad for you. It definitely feels like your having to tread carefully around him. However, you our stuck with him in your life. I think the best way to deal with it is to learn how to encourage him into being a better parent.
And encourage your children to speak with you openly and honestly after each visit. Even if he's showing signs of becoming a better parent, you need to shut that down if abuse starts again.
My ex would have thrown it in the trash. I did all of the homework, laundry, clothes shopping and a million other "parental" tasks. He kept the kids up way past the bedtime at my house, etc.
The kids adjusted. The only "rule" I had was: follow house rules wherever you're at. I don't get to argue with school rules, the school can't tell me what rules I have...and I don't get to tell their dad what his rules should be.
I think it's best for everyone to work it out for themselves. Rules that you don't enforce are meaningless.
No, it wasn't fair. As teens, my kids get that now. I guess it's also not fair that I have a much closer relationship with the kids than he does...choices.
I also remember the Sunday they came back from their dads and my son chose to go to bed at 630 because he was tired and "had to get up early for school". I was bummed out because I wanted to spend time with him, but I understood.
After all of these years, I see benefits to them having the stricter rules with me, and relaxed rules with him. They learned to balance things more than if things had been only one way.
It's amazing to have a place like this where I can really talk about these issues with other people who get it. I have been so adrift trying to navigate this on my own, and having this forum is like finding a lighthouse and my way out. I really appreciate yo all sharing your wisdom with me.