My stbx left on March 1st and my divorce is going to be finalized next Tuesday (I know- super fast!). I have been so excited for this day to come- like it would finally bring me closure. Even though this process has been heartbreaking and gut-wrenching, I have seen this date as the opportunity for me to finally be (physically, mentally, spiritually) completely free of this emotionally abusive relationship. I felt like I would be empowered to stand up to him and not allow him to manipulate or hurt me anymore- that I would be stronger and ultimately happier but I feel like I am nearing a panic attack. I truly appreciate how terrible he was to me and the kids and now that he officially carries the diagnosis of a narcissist- I recognize he will never change. He lied continuously, he cheated, he compulsively spent lots and lots of money, he was mean-spirited not only to me but the children, he was angry and hostile and most of the time he was disengaged and indifferent to us; he made life pretty awful for all of us. I also know that when he left, a lot of the work I had to deal was healing from living with his emotional abuse- but it is still conflicting for me. I think that I honestly loved him deeply, when he left I didnt beg him to stay once- but not because I wanted him to go- because I knew he needed to go and I wanted him to do what was best for him. (Now I see that I needed him to go, too.) I do think that I am emotionally less connected now- I dont miss him day to day anymore (life is so much more peaceful and there is really very little stress now even though I have the children by myself full time). But I am still sad to realize that I worked so hard (and forgave so much) to still wind up divorced. I think what I am truly panicked about is not being married anymore. I am not embracing the idea of being single at all. I just liked the comfort of knowing I was married- that I was part of we (and I know this is not really how it was in my marriage- because he never thought of anyone but himself and didnt put any effort into the marriage- but I guess I am just thinking about this on a concept level). I dont want to have to check off the divorce box on applications. I dont want to go to events by myself (he might grumble, but he would go to weddings/funerals/parties/receptions with me). I am going to be completely alone and I havent been alone since I was just a kid really (I met him when I was 22). Is it normal to have such an internal conflict about D day- knowing it is the best thing for you- it is moving you forward, but at the same time scared of leaving the last piece of your past behind? I havent cried at all for a couple of weeks- today I feel like I could just crumple up in a ball and cry all day. I want to see my divorce as an opportunity for a new life- instead it feels like another layer of grief is hitting me. This really stinks