I know how it feels when people say" just get over it". It is like saying to paralized person" Just walk". I don't know how long it will hurt. I am hurting too very much at the moment, but I know that in life everything is temporary, even hurt. It will pass one day.

I wonder if you were hurting while being in a relationship with her as well? For me it has been like this the most of my emotinally abusive relationship..so him dumping me would not make me feel any worse or lonelier..

Well, Jim,

SOmetimes there are no shortcuts - we can't go around stuff, we have to go through it.

Here's something that has helped me in the past and that is setting aside some time every day, say an hour each evening to process and concentrate on how you are feeling. And at every other time, when the anxiety and hamster-on-a-wheel brain starts, tell yourself "I can't think about that now, I'll pick up that thought at 8pm tonight". Distract yourself until 8pm and then think about, process it, write it out - I do find that writing something out gets it out of my head quicker, too.

Just a couple of thoughts that have proven helpful to me in the past.

One thing gived me a littloe relief. If I just am able to say my self very calmly" I accept everything how it is given to me" there is a peace in that word "accept".

Jim, I agree with Roxie in that there are no shortcuts. Those who shortcut usually end up right back on the same path they were on. Its like side stepping, avoiding the pain and valuable lessons that come with them, only to end up right back to square one. The only way is to walk through it. I know how uncomfortable it is and wish it could be easier.

I know I already told you this, but Codependent No More was my catalyst to healing. It lead me in other directions, and for the first time ever, taught me how and why I needed to focus on and take care of me. It came in baby steps...some days I felt like I had grown leaps and bounds and the next day I sometimes would feel as if I slipped backward 5 miles. Its a process..it doesnt happen overnight. The fact that you took a trip is a beginning, a great one in putting the focus on you!! Of course your thoughts are normal right now....Rome wasnt built in a day.

i remember int he darkest of days, writing a simple gratitude list. things I was grateful to have for that moment. Some days it contained things as simple as a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head. Other days I could go on and on. Thats not to say that you have to do that too...just an example of one of the many tactics I needed to do for myself to help me survive at that time.

Keep marching forward..its tough, but I think you are doing great!! Hugs!

You are doing some good things to cope with anxiety--talking to others, reading self-help books. I would also recommend using the journal here on DS--journaling is a great way to get that stress out.

Jim,

Here's another very simple technique you might try. I learned it in the course of researching meditation, but it's not meditation per se, though it uses two powerful aspects of meditation, namely breathing and mantra.

Try to sit as calmly and peacfully as you can. You can close your eyes or keep them open, or even use this technique standing, walking, whatever.

Try to take controlled and measured, but not forced or labored, breaths, and on the inhale quietly say to yourelf "Let it" and on the exhale "Go".

That's it. Hope it helps, even if in a very small way. Sometimes that's all we can hope for. Small incermental help and relief, even if only temporary. However, if we string enough of these small little things together over a long enough period, they do seem to help beyond what we could have thought possible.

As has been said, much of it is in the process, and working through and not avoiding what troubles us.

I read every post with hope that I learn one simple thing to lesson the pain even the smallest amount. Just to see replys when I log in helps believe it or not. This site is almost like an extended family as I feel everyone really cares.

Thanks again and comment as often as you can... I will make it becuase of you here helping.. certianly not my own knowledge of how to deal with this...

Thanks again...
Jim

I read this in a book somewhere,but dont quote me totally---just the general idea....give yourself time everyday to cry/grieve everyday almost forcing yourself to cry...at some point your body/mind is going to realize---"ok'how much of this is real and how much am I just overfocusing on the negative....hope that helps

Jim: Am so glad you have time with your son. Long ago, I was told that getting through separation and divorce is not a quick and straight forward process. Getting back to yourself takes quite a bit of time and it comes in spurts. some hours, days or weeks are good, then you feel sad and in a stuck position - all of us have been there.

Your work and your children will keep you sane. Plan activities that you really love - ask your children for suggestions so all of you can share laughs and get away from the stress of this situation.

Wishing you a restful night.

Take good care.

Good for you for deciding to get away, and for taking your son with you. I am so sorry it has made you feel so anxious though. Even though you are finding it so tough, just getting to be in a different environment is hopefully giving you a chance to look at things from a slightly different perspective.
The struggling with anxiety seems to be very much a part of the reaction we have to a traumatic ending of a way of life we have become accustomed to. Whether its a divorce or in your case the end of a relationship that obviously meant an incredible amount to you. Our confidence seems to be seriously knocked by the major changes in our lives, and that is when the anxiety can really hit.
Please know that none of this is permanent - even though right now it seems to be never ending. It will start to change over time, if you continue to do the little things you are doing, to try to help yourself.
I am glad you are reading Melody Beattie's book, Codependent No More, which is a great start. But honestly the only way it is going to really help you in the long run, is if you really implement some of the changes she suggests, and to actually work the 12 step program. It is an ongoing process, but is worth it if you work at it.
If you can find a Coda support group near where you live to join, it will be a tremendous help too.
Hang in there, and use some of the great advice you have been given by others here to hopefully ease some of you anxiety and to continue moving forward with your life, one small step at a time.

Working the 12 steps of alanon and regularily attending meetings has helped me enormously with co-dependency.

I also, after reading one of Melodie BeattieKs books (I can't remember which one and am not at home) wrote a gratitude prayer for the crappy marriage and eveything that happened including losing myself fully. I prayed it twice a day whether I felt it or not. In fact most of the time I did not feel it.

The prayer was transformative. I have no idea how it worked but it opened me up to really working on myself. In fact I now (reluctantly) accept that my marriage "had" to happen. I had some real issues and baggage that I was not aware about. I guess the gratitude prayer opened my mind to permit real healing to take place.

Co-dependency is a lifelong issue. We are not just cured quickly but have to work at it. Once I was aware, I started to see traits in my kids. I am hoping to break cycles so they have better spiritual and emotional opportunities.

Try the gratitude (for lousy things) in your life. It really is transformative.

Karen,

That's an amazingly salient and insightful point you bring up!!! The absolute worst experiences of our lives can provide an opportunity for some truly amazing growth, but only if we acknowledge, accept and work through all aspects of the experience.

It's not a comfortable or easy thing, but the rewards are there to be had if we do the hard work.

I keep seeing the "lost myself in the relationship" and codependency issues being bought up here.

Keeps reminding of the lasr song Johnny Cash recorded, his version of Reznors "HURT"

"If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Its an absolutely amazing video. Song written of course about the authors relationship with drugs, but applies to any dysfunctional relationship. I'm not a country music fan, but Johnny Cash is just amazingly powerful in that video.

Addictions whether to alcohol, drugs, food, toxic relationships, chaos are, at heart, all the same.

In alaonon we book with the Big Book of AA. Where "drinking" is written we cross it out and write "thinking" or "obsessing".

It was a powerful and humbling moment when I realised that I had as big of challenges and problems as my alcoholc husband. Didn't change the fact that I needed out of my marriage, but gave me an opportunity to heal.

I will listen to the Johnny Cash song when I am back home near a computer. Right now I am on the Blackberry.

I am on my android in transit, or I would post the link. That song cracked me in half. I couldn't pretend I was "OK" after that.