Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I haven't written in awhile because I feel like I haven't had time. Not that it would have mattered. Nothing helps anymore. Not even this. But I had to write to at least mention that yesterday, I got the complaint she filed for the divorce. My lawyer was served on my behalf, and he mailed it to me. Only I didn't read it until late last night, after I got home from the movies with some friends. Had a pretty decent night too. And then that.
At first I felt numb. Because I knew it was coming. And I shouldn't have been surprised by it. It's been over a month now since we separated. So it's been over. But then I read it again 10 minutes later. And I couldn't get over seeing her signature on the papers, twice. I know her signature, and I could see then in two different places. I can't remember the wording (I'm sure most of you know it), but basically she was stating she was willfully agreeing with the complaint. She wasn't forced into it and she wasn't under any kind of influence. She knowingly signed the death certificate to this marriage. She signed it. Twice. Probably without any feeling whatsoever.
So none of it matters. All the advice my family and friends gave me. All the stuff I've been reading on websites (including this one). None of it changes the fact that this is truly horrible. And I don't care that "thing will get better someday". Or that I "need to learn to love and appreciate myself". Forgiveness. Go to the gym. Take walks. Write in a journal. Time. Roller coaster. All of the BS tips can't erase the cold harsh fact: that I was not worth the fight and that this moment, here and now, is horrible. And nothing will change that. I was not good enough. This life we had was not good enough. I know I have all these great qualities and I know she is just one person. I know I'm a good guy and I have a lot of heart and any girl would be lucky and blessed to have me. But I was not amazing or great enough for her. And I cannot get past that. I've never been good enough for any girl that I have liked. I was always a sweet guy, that's what every girl has said to me, but I was never sweet enough to be with.
And I know it's not me, it's her that is the problem. That if she is so blind to how great I am, then I don't deserve her. But it can't be all her. I have to factor into this somehow. And I do because I was not worth the fight. I shouldn't have to find a girl that I will be worth something to. If I'm so amazing and wonderful, she should want to do anything and everything to keep me. Because I would have done the same for her. But instead, she gives up. And she doesn't fight. And I feel pretty worthless for it. And now I have the paper with the signatures to prove it.
At first I felt numb. Because I knew it was coming. And I shouldn't have been surprised by it. It's been over a month now since we separated. So it's been over. But then I read it again 10 minutes later. And I couldn't get over seeing her signature on the papers, twice. I know her signature, and I could see then in two different places. I can't remember the wording (I'm sure most of you know it), but basically she was stating she was willfully agreeing with the complaint. She wasn't forced into it and she wasn't under any kind of influence. She knowingly signed the death certificate to this marriage. She signed it. Twice. Probably without any feeling whatsoever.
So none of it matters. All the advice my family and friends gave me. All the stuff I've been reading on websites (including this one). None of it changes the fact that this is truly horrible. And I don't care that "thing will get better someday". Or that I "need to learn to love and appreciate myself". Forgiveness. Go to the gym. Take walks. Write in a journal. Time. Roller coaster. All of the BS tips can't erase the cold harsh fact: that I was not worth the fight and that this moment, here and now, is horrible. And nothing will change that. I was not good enough. This life we had was not good enough. I know I have all these great qualities and I know she is just one person. I know I'm a good guy and I have a lot of heart and any girl would be lucky and blessed to have me. But I was not amazing or great enough for her. And I cannot get past that. I've never been good enough for any girl that I have liked. I was always a sweet guy, that's what every girl has said to me, but I was never sweet enough to be with.
And I know it's not me, it's her that is the problem. That if she is so blind to how great I am, then I don't deserve her. But it can't be all her. I have to factor into this somehow. And I do because I was not worth the fight. I shouldn't have to find a girl that I will be worth something to. If I'm so amazing and wonderful, she should want to do anything and everything to keep me. Because I would have done the same for her. But instead, she gives up. And she doesn't fight. And I feel pretty worthless for it. And now I have the paper with the signatures to prove it.
-
Just thought I would join this group now that I am a widower. My wife passed away May 28th. She was "The Wind Beneath My Wings". When I met her, I was a drunken, dope smoking, fighting, hell raising biker. She told me if I could get rid of the inner storm within me, that I could be a blessing to people. God placed her in my path to stop me. I have been drug and alcohol free now for 53...
-
My husband and I got our foster license last month, after 3 years of hard work (we had to start over multiple times due to family dramas and Mom's open heart surgery). We spent a year preparing the whole house, guest rooms, and children's bathroom for older kids of 7 yr old and up. Then we got a call that we have been approved to receive twin newborn premies. What, what?!! Babies!? Premies?!...
I so know how feel. I feel thrown out & discarded, no matter how many loving things my ex tells me, all his reassurances to the contrary, as well as friends & family who know all the great things about me.
When the magnitude of this hits me, which is pretty regularly, I still cannot believe he chose what he chose...
And i know once i see the papers later this month, those feelings will hit me hard again. I need to prepare myself for that...
Hang in there. You're not alone...
i had to realize too that it wasnt just him- alot of it was- but not all. and i have been sifting thru that reality to make sure i own up to what is mine- and ive been working on those issues, because they are issues i have to a smaller degree in other relationships like with friends.
we fought and fought for them and they didnt want to fight for us. that sucks. we cant change that.
and you are amazing and wonderful- but what i realized, for me, is that i had to believe that i was amazing and wonderful - not have someone convince me. im still getting there.
i dont know- this is all babble- im not very level headed today. i just wanted you to know i hear what you are saying. you arent alone.
You understand that this is her issue which is a good thing, and it may just be a situation where there is nothing you did wrong.
As for not being worth fighting over, I'm going to add part of my story as I'm the one that left my husband. This is not intended to say your situation is the same, but just to give you an insight into a woman's point of view.
Our marriage had been deteriorating for 4 years (He only remembers a year and a half). Through that 4 years I begged and pleaded with him to see a doctor and go to counseling with me. He always refused, saying he didn't want to discuss it and became argumentative.
When I told him I was leaving he offered to do whatever it took to save the marriage. At that point I was done giving chances. I was hurt and upset that it took me leaving to get him to want to fix things. He had ignored me for 4 years. Why was I to expect things to change now?
I hope you start to feel better soon. It really is a roller coaster, but the crappy thing is you can't see most of the hills coming. Good Luck
and you are amazing and wonderful- but what i realized, for me, is that i had to believe that i was amazing and wonderful - not have someone convince me.
Now I don't want to sound cocky, but I do know and believe (honestly) that I am an amazing and wonderful person. I know it in my heart. I truly do. And I know that because I care so much for everyone in my life and I would do anything for them. I've never been abusive, I've never cheated, nor would I ever do those things. I am a very, very rare breed of "nice guy" that exists in this world. I do so much to try and not be like every jerk or a$$hole I've ever seen or encountered in my life that have treated their girlfriends/wives like crap.
And that is what kills me. That I feel and believe those things about myself, and everyone in my life validates that. But not her. This one thing invalidates all of that, or that's the way it feels anyways. And it kills me. That this has to happen to the best of us. To those of us that do, or at least try, to do everything right.
I think that's what hurts the most. The fact that I know I'm great and this still has to happen to me.
Thanks to everyone for the comments.
You are seeing the need to look inward instead of just blaming her.
It takes two people to have a sucessful marriage. Rarely is it one persons fault when divorce rears its ugly head.
By fixing YOU, then you can move on and be a better person both to yourself and the next person you have a relationship with.
She never loved me and finally told me so, after quite some time. We finally divorced after 10 years. I learned a hard lesson. No matter what sacrifices you make, what you do or don't do, you can't make someone love you. I certainly tried. My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend.
I'm so sorry you feel this way, I can understand completely. It's not you, it's not your fault, and it sucks. Hang in there. I'm praying for you.
And for some reason harrowed, I really liked your line: we live in a fallen world with foolish and selfish people. Just sounded cool.