My wife left me under the same exact circumstances. I didn't cheat, I didn't abuse her, I didn't do drugs or control her. I loved her and wanted to be intimate with her., but she didn't love me. So she left.

Not an easy place to be. Welcome.

the fact that you are honest is great. You don't know what the future holds, you only know what you have to do now, to stop feeling like you're being suffocated. :) that's not something to feel guilty about. Sometimes we have to break out of the cage we are in to gain new perspective. I think I could not have done the growing and evolving I did in the last few years inside a marriage. And the inability to do these things was what was killing me inside the marriage. I waited till I had a nervous breakdown. That suffocation is real, even if you can't explain it. :)

Praying that you find happiness.

mommato2lilmonkeys

Avefenix,
I am in the same boat. Glad people here showed you support because it is very painful, even for the one leaving. Like your stbx, mine is not a bad guy, he is a provider and he is stable. I still consider him one of my best friends BUT I am over my original thinking that happiness lies being away from him.

Four months into separation, I feel that I am to the point where I need to be my own happiness/peace because with him, I can't find it. His dependency drains me of it.

From reading on here, I am trying not to kid myself about how difficult it will be and I truly want to be his friend. I am in counseling and it has helped a lot. I am waiting to fall apart...but so far so good. I try to consider his feelings because we do have 23 years of marriage and I think he deserves that but I know he can not change to be who I need. He is who he is.

And if leaving means I am alone then I will accept it. I am even willing to consider that we could reconcile at some point. Maybe I need a dose of single reality to bring me to my senses! So I am not burning bridges, not looking for a replacement, just trying to breathe! Like you. :)

Best of luck!
and take a deep breath...

Thank you all for your replies.

This is the most horrible situation I have even been. Even though I am the one leaving, the sensation of loss and despair is only comparable to losing a loved one. Even close to getting separated, I mourn my marriage and try to refrain myself from constantly questioning what I did wrong, or how could things have been different, because there is no point. I am past the point where I want to fix my marriage, because he is not showing much will to do anything himself. However, he seems very hurt, worried and in disbelief, which makes things even harder. I understand his reaction is normal, but he is so mad at me for leaving, this will not have a happy ending where we can get along as friends. It's very hard to realize that the person I thought would fight by my side, is suddenly my opponent in the fight.
God bless you all and thanks for reading.

Oh my goodness! I feel that you are telling my story, except that my husband of ten years had an affair, which caused us to separate for nearly three years. During that deeply painful time, I found myself again and discovered a confidence I never knew I had. Now, he desperately wants to reconcile. I believe he is truly sorry but I just don't feel that I love him anymore, at least not the way a wife should love a husband. It pains me because we have two young daughters who love him to death and would like nothing more than to see us together again. But I just do not have a peace about it at this time. I, too, feel so guilty and at times feel that maybe I should give it another go, but that seems to go against my heart. I am even on an anti-depressant to deal with the agony of it all. Not fun. Not a good place to be, but in the end, I feel we need to follow our hearts and believe things will work out for the best. Auugh.

Avefenix, I have to ask, have you two gone to counceling? Tried to work things out? It seems so drastic just to give up without even giving the guy a chance to change his ways. It's always a possibility. Again I don't know the situation, so I am asking, not making judgements.

My husband walked away from me with a similar explanation... although he topped it off with an affair.

Yes, your pain is real even though you are walking away. And you have your reasons that are right for you.

That being said, you really can't expect to be friends. At least not for a long long time. My ex has said several times he wants to be friends. And I suspect it comes from genuine caring. But, when he says this, it is truly the only time I feel anger and bitterness against him.

Friendship requires trust and vulnerability. When your heart has been smashed to pieces, you can't trust and be vulnerable with the person who did the smashing. When my ex suggests "friends" to me, it reinforces how little he understands the depth of the pain he has caused me.

I'm just telling you this in the hope it will be useful - help you have patience if he is not as ready as you are to have a friend Relationship. But, even if friendship is not in the cards, you can have kindness and respect. Maybe that is enough?

i completely understand, my husband didn't cheat, but after years of being ignored, the kids being ignored, i want better we deserve better, yet i have my mom telling me that i need to stay for the kids that i am being selfish, i feel suffocated too, he only give attention when he wants sex, and at this point, i resent sex, i want a relationship and attention, not the only attention i get is sex, no one should settle

m3chwarrior73, I appreciate your advice. I suggested counseling and he agreed to it, but for some reason we kept postponing it. In the meanwhile, I suggested him to take some personal therapy and he said he didn't believe in it, which made me question what was the point on doing counseling together if he was just doing it to comply. I realized the outcome would be the same for me, I need to move on. He is upset but I also think if he were really concerned, he would be asking and pressuring for it, not only dropping all the responsibility on me, if I make any sense.