Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I am feeling completely stuck in an unhappy relationship. My husband has ADD and will not get it treated. Thus, for the last 13 years of our marriage, I have taken responsibility for everything, which has completely exhausted me. On top of it all, he is very self-centered and not supportive. He recently lost his job (and frankly seems to have lied to me about the reason). I also discovered that he had wracked up $21,000 in credit card bills and had lied to me about those. I am at my wits end. I desperately want a divorce. But if I do, he cannot afford to live alone. I am not even sure that a place will rent to him now because of his large debt. The problem is, we have one daughter and she absolutely adores him. If he cannot afford a place, he will leave completely and go back to live with his parents (all the way across the country). I am a full time college professor, who would really struggle to find care for my daughter to be able to accomplish what I need to with my career and I know my daughter would struggle if he leaves the area. I want him to stay nearby and co-parent, but he cannot do that unless he gets a decent job (and he doesnt have a lot of prospects).
Two weeks ago, he packed up all his stuff, said goodbye to our daughter, and told me that he was leaving and not coming back. It was the worst day of my life because my daughter was devastated. She could not stop crying and I could not comfort her or answer her questions. I begged my husband to come back and he did for her. Now, though, I am having regrets. I feel like I am sacrificing my happiness for her. I have no idea if hes looking for jobs or what he does all day when I am working. After we put our daughter to bed, he completely ignores me. I cannot live this way. It is impossible to live in a house with a man that is so cold. I am so tempted to hire a lawyer and divorce him, but if I do, he leaves and goes across the country and I have to pick up the pieces.
What should I do?
Two weeks ago, he packed up all his stuff, said goodbye to our daughter, and told me that he was leaving and not coming back. It was the worst day of my life because my daughter was devastated. She could not stop crying and I could not comfort her or answer her questions. I begged my husband to come back and he did for her. Now, though, I am having regrets. I feel like I am sacrificing my happiness for her. I have no idea if hes looking for jobs or what he does all day when I am working. After we put our daughter to bed, he completely ignores me. I cannot live this way. It is impossible to live in a house with a man that is so cold. I am so tempted to hire a lawyer and divorce him, but if I do, he leaves and goes across the country and I have to pick up the pieces.
What should I do?
ryoung
That sounds awful and I'm sorry your going through this. What do you want in the long run? What patterns have you seen in your relationship and what do you think is going to change that? I was reading a book and it said for every ounce he gave he expected me to give a pound. That once sentence summed up my marriage. It sounds like you might relate. I have a 2 year old and it's not easy being a single parent but sometimes it's easier not having someone undermine me and put me down. In a way I have more energy now. Don't get me wrong, I cry all the time and have hard days. I left him in the middle of July after being together for nine years. Wracking up debt behind your back is awful. I would carefully plan everything out as divorce is very expensive. My lawyer charges two hundred and fifty an hour. I would think about reorganizing your finances and life to fit on just your income. What's the most important to you? Happiness, renting out a room, selling your house, moving into the country where it's a little cheaper, ect... Remember that your not in control of what he does. I struggle with that too. My husband threatened to kill himself and threatened to never see our daughter again. It's mind games. By what you've described your past trying to work on it. A selfish person is not going to up and change one day, but I also understand waiting and hoping. Maybe try a divorce support group in person and see how other people have done it. Being a single mom is possible. That's one of the main reasons that I stayed and put up with his physical and emotional abuse. I was so beaten down and scared that I was too stupid, a bad mom, couldn't afford to leave him, no one else would ever love me, ect... All those negative thinking patterns came from him because he put me down. Why don't you believe in yourself? Is it because you really can't do it or has your living environment taken a toll on your energy and self esteem? What do you want to model for your daughter? I had to ask myself that a lot. Do I really want her to see daddy throwing things at mommy and road raging and endangering our lives? But sometimes he would read her stories, play with her and be a good dad. That was temporary though and he did just the bare minimum to keep me there. We weren't in a thriving environment. I did more fun things this summer then I have in the last two combined. There is hope after a divorce! Were in a huge legal battle and it's not easy, I don't want to mislead you, but it is possible. Our daughters can thrive and be happy even if dad doesn't live with us. It's really better for kids to see a healthy relationship modeled for them rather than a bad one.
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