Hi Goffrey,
Those are hard questions to answer. My husband and I separated in November, 4 days before my birthday. He had me served with divorce papers yesterday and my world came crashing down...again. I had those same questions staring me in the face and I tried to answer them as honestly as I could. I gave myself a few days after the 'fallout' of the separation and decided I wanted to work things out. However, my husband closed our joint bank account, canceled my health insurance, took my beloved dogs, and left me with a whole lot of nothing. I wasn't even a person, I was a empty shell. I married this wonderful man and he completely threw me out of his life in the mist of the separation like I was nothing to him. That was difficult and I had to revisit those questions I had asked myself, can things now be worked out? I started going to a counselor and she helped me to understand that trying to make things work can't be one-sided. My husband has exaggerated the truth, asked me to change, blamed his faults on me and I promised the moon for us to work things out. I think the best I can offer you is to simply let you know I know what you feel and you aren't alone. The questions you are asking take some time to answer them fully but convey them to your wife. Hopefully, her actions and words will show in unison that she, too, wants to save the marriage. Sometimes the old saying 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' will come into play and she will discover herself and realize what she will lose in a divorce. Hope this helps some. Feel free to bounce other questions/thoughts around.

Goddrey, Its always so hard for couples to separate when children are involved. I'm a step parent and I remember how hard it was for them. It was their mother that left. Have you and your wife tried counseling? I have friends that have rekindled their marriage after 10 years when they thought it was over, and that was 10 years ago. Both parties have to agree though. Mine wanted no part of it. He thought if I could change enough for him to see if he liked me again, on my own, maybe he would think about trying to work things out with me. Like his love had conditions. Of course later he tells me he's not really in love with me anymore and doesn't want to have to deal with me anymore. I tried my hardest to make him want to stay. Not something someone can do. You have no control over how someone else feels.
Does your wife talk to you about how she feels? About what she thinks changed things between you? What changed for her? Are there things you think you've missed along the way? Try to put yourself in her shoes. And see if she could do the same. Who knows perspective can be a change maker. I did that, found some hard truths about myself. And could understand my husband better. Just wish he could have been willing to do the same. He feels he's done nothing wrong, and shouldn't have to change at all. I'm the one that was at fault for everything. I just "should have known" what he wanted without him having to tell me.
I'm finding out, a bit late, how important communication is in a marriage. Don't wait for that "perfect time" to say something. There is no Perfect time.
All we can do is try our best. And don't lose ourselves to the other person.
Hard to see the person you love, walk away, with no love in their heart for you. If you think there's a chance, go for it. but like you said, don't go in with false expectations. Be open and honest. That's all anyone can ask.
My best wishes to you and the girls.

^^ agree - communication is key.

Unfortunately both sides have to want to make it work and be willing to do that work. One side can’t do it alone.

It sounds like she has already made the emotional move to leave. I have not heard of any marriage that was saved after that.

My advice - continue to be clear it is not what you want, but do not undermine your own worth and dignity by begging (won’t work anyway). Put all your energy in creating a sane co-parenting relation. Focus on the kids. At least then, when you look back you will be proud of yourself.

I appreciate the advice from everyone. I've been very open and honest with her, and she knows my intentions and that I want to fix things. She has definitely moved on emotionally and is stone faced every time I talk about us. I guess I can't see giving up, but I also know that I cannot possibly have any expectation that we will ever reconcile. I'll do what I can to be the best person I can be and I'll always be a dad first and foremost. Maybe someday she'll realize I wasn't the cause of all her problems, maybe Sunday I'll realize she's not worth missing. Something will give one way or the other.

Do they ever realize what they had was good and try to come back?
Goffrey thanks for sharing your emotions with us. I am not used to a man being so open and honest with his feelings. My ex (can’t believe that came out like that) has not expressed his feelings towards me except for anger. I’ve read a book from Liam Naden and he also has a podcast. How to save your marriage even when your spouse doesn’t want to. It was a quick read. But then it makes you wonder if really works. I read it before my bf moved out and was trying but he already had in his mind that he was free. So I gave up!

Good question valium. All the people selling books and programs out there, would leave you to believe it can be done, but I doubt it. There are some factors with my wife that I don't really trust that she's clear headed in her decision, but I guess me saying that is pure speculation and not fair to her. In the last few days I've started moving on. I see how she treats me and the resentment she has for me, so I'm finally starting to just give up on her/us. I think its a big step for me to take so I can actually be happy. She's a bit toxic right now.

Hi Goffrey, I feel we started out in similar situations. My husband left 4 months ago and we also have two girls. He left expressing anger towards me, said he was not attracted to me like he used to be, etc. I decided to give him space because he obviously needed it. Now I am confused because the space made him more engaged and active with our girls and family. He asks to spend the night and wants to be intimate (not affectionate). I think we are all confused and I honestly don't know what to do. All this to say, I think if you fight for the relationship, it might push her away further. There is a really good book/audiobook you might like that could help: Manly_Marriage_Revival. Let us know what you think. In the interim, if anyone could provide resources for me in my situation I would greatly appreciate it. My husband is now my "boyfriend" who does not want to live together or be married. I am so confused...

Today I begged my wife on bend and knee for mercy like a peasant. I cried like a baby genuinely expressing my love for her and humbly asked for another chance to show her how much I love her and want to be the husband of her dreams.

I have not done anything to trigger our last fight but I did loose control of my temper and reacted to her in an aggressive way after she told me she was messing with the other man again for a fourth time. I regret that how I handled it but I was so caught off guard because we were doing so well and I was working so hard to be everything she needed and wanted from me.

As I begged her and sobbed she showed no emotion. I have never cried so much in my life and I felt my heart jump out of my chest. I thought I was going to die and frankly wished it. I blamed myself as I should for prior affair that led my wife to becoming this person she is now. As I begged She threatened to leave if I did not get up and my legs would not respond. She was cold and did not seem to even care I was upset and hurting. As I crawled out of her room due to my legs not responding she walked by me like a piece of trash that meant nothing to her. She seemed to act like I offended her by crying and begging her for another chance. I laid in the corridor like a dead plant and she left. She never came back or even called to check on me. She showed she could care less if l lived or died. I could not believe my wife of 19 years could be so cold and uncaring after all I have done for my family. I am not perfect but I work hard to give everyone a very good life. I work 12- 15 hours daily. I decided to go to bed and thought really hard about my health and ability to handle this pressure of divorce. I could not breath and I had pain in my chest. I kept thinking she could careless about me anyway and would not shed one tear if I had a heart attack.

I needed to get my stuff together and be prepared to let go of whatever assets I need to in order to start over. I laid down and slept for an hour and then I received the dreaded text that she is going to see the other man . She said she he wanted to tell her something and they were just going to talk but no sex. Not that it mattered anyway since they already have had intimacy relations.

I could not believe she would do this to me after what just happened and it came to me that this is what she wants me to feel. She wants to hurt me because I hurt her in the very distant past. I have worked hard to rebuild what we lost but it was never enough. I give and give and it never makes a difference. She has so much anger in her that she is a different person. She is no longer the wife I knew and I am hurting myself by trying to continue in an unhealthy marriage. I am very successful and have never failed at anything in life.

I have always been able to pull it together one way or another and the fact that I can’t fix the most important thing in my life is killing me. My love won’t let me quit and I am causing myself more and more pain. I pray I have the strength to let go but it’s hard because I see all the great me memories we have had over 19 years and the thought of being alone is terrifying. I am lost with nowhere to turn. Men don’t have a lot of resources and by nature we don’t really talk about things like this so it’s a lonely feeling. I don’t know what to do next.

Our whole life and financials are all tied together and the thought of taking the needed steps to bring sepersting that is hard when my heart still loves her so much. I know I need to accept this and let my marriage go since she clearly does not want it. My heads tells me that by my heart hold on that there is something left in there that wants to try again. Well at least that’s what I want to believe and maybe it’s all in my head. I am going to talk to a therapist tomorrow and try to find a support group in person. I know I can’t do this alone.

Man2man, for me an affair would have ended my marriage right there and then. No matter how much I loved my husband. Amazing women can work with their husband to over come the original problem. This usually works best with a marriage counselor. I don't know how well things were between you after the affair. and are you sure she was doing as well as you thought? you do seem to have a good deal of emotional feelings and are ok to express them. I too find this very different in a man. Most woman, myself included get the husbands that have hardly any emotional connections after the" honeymoon" is over. My husband is divorcing me after 27 years, and all the emotional side effects I got from having Brain surgery. That put him over the edge.
I understand the head and heart confrontation. I loved/love my husband, and I tried all I could to work towards a reconciliation. But he too already had his mind made up. So after being devastated for a month or so, I started the work on me, and the acceptance of my marriage being over. Totally sucked/sucks, cuz due to my disability and then having to go through radiation treatments, we are still living together. With lots of hard work on my part and living like roommates. I've gotten to the point where I can see how he really has been to me, and that I deserve so much better than that. I'm not going to change who I am for no one. If they can't take me for who I am, they can go somewhere I am. I'm perfectly imperfect. and that is a wonderful way to be.
So, My advice to you is, just what you said. Take a deep breath, and move on. It's time to take care of you. And It's wonderful that you want to talk to a therapist and go to support groups. Good for you. Being with other people will help a lot. Remember this is your life now. Take it one day at a time. And know that it will be a rollercoaster ride for quite awhile. Nothing good in life comes easy. Best of luck

Once a spouse says they are done then they are done. Don’t hold on to them. They will eventually play with your mind again, and you will always wonder what you’re doing wrong this time. Don’t let her feel like she has all the control in the marriage. Don’t give her that power. She’ll learn to like it too much and then abuse it. Leave her. She is not worth it. If she doesn’t think she can stay in the marriage even with your two girl then she should go. Not worth holding on to. There will be a better person for you out there.

This is what I've been doing to cope. I want you to step out of your situation and watch it. Pretend it is one of your daughters grown up and married. Now is that spouse treating your daughter the way you would want ?? Does that spouse admit their mistakes ? Does that spouse forgive easy? Does that spouse play mind games ? Or is that spouse amicable just done ? What you would want for your daughter/s is what you want for yourself right. ?? Johnny29.

justbreathing and johnny,
Thanks for those answers. I really do think I'm coming around to this way of thinking. If I'm honest, how can I love someone who is rejecting me and the life we built together? I wasn't perfect, but neither was she and she's definitely not right now. I do see that by holding onto my wife who isn't interested in even trying I'm pretty much just punishing myself. Time to stop focusing on the stuff I can't control and show some self respect. Thanks for the help.

No problem Goffrey. Move on !!!Stop putting her first!! Your so right !... self respect. When a woman makes you feel to that point it hurts that bad....don't allow her to have the power to demasculinize you. It's not healthy for you and will make you very sick and unattractive to any woman Stay Strong, eat well, get some excersise and you will sleep better. With that you will be able to think more clear and sweat less of the small stuff and focus on more of what you need to get done for you. Get your spice back!!! Any posts that pick you up I recommend to read them daily. Johnny29

Goffrey, Congratulations You got it. Once you come to the conclusion on your own, that the marriage is over, and that you deserve better, Your self healing can begin. And you can put all that energy into focusing on you.
Your last text was me 6 months ago. Almost word for word. (that's kinda scary) But that's what I love about coming here. So many people "DO know exactly" how I feel. and so much more.
Time to take care of you. She is now your past.

Crazy! I came here looking for advice to save my marriage, I never even entertained another option. Now after a few months of writing my own posts and responding to other's I see clearly that I'm just finally opening my eyes.

I wasn't even wasting my time in the beginning. It was integral to getting here that I desired to save my marriage because it inspired me to change in some very important ways. turns out those changes aren't for my ex (used the w word for the last time), but for me, my daughters, and hopefully a future woman who will appreciate the final product.

I'm under no impression that I'm now on easy Street, but I do know that I'm now at least going to be able to focus on what really matters. This site has been an integral part of my journey. People going through, or who have gone through the same things really are the best sources of advice, support, and information. This is very exciting for me, it's like a switch flipped and I got my mojo back.

Thank you too anyone here who's offered me advice, encouragement, or anything else... Even the bitter people who tried to make me feel like I was a bad person and my wife was doing the right thing (judge not and all that, cause you don't me or my situation). This community really does make a difference!