Okay, so this is my first time ever posting on here, but I really need other people's perspective on this situation because it has taken such a toll on me mentally lately. My boyfriend broke up with me about 2 weeks ago and most people would call it a blessing. You see, in the beginning of our relationship (2 years ago), it was everything I could have ever wanted. He was very attractive, had a captivating personality, extremely witty, charming, very likeable, successful, and carried a conversation hours on end with whomever he was talking to. I felt so lucky to be with someone who I thought complimented me as a person.

I at the time wasn't working and trying to get through nursing school. He would take me out regularly, kept in contact with me throughout the day, skyped me in the evenings til bedtime, and eventually took me in and wanted me to live with him at his house. Throughout the week he was gone since his job requires him to travel but he'd always be back on the weekends.

Anyhow, I started to become insecure about myself the more time I spent with him. He would get incredibly upset when I would talk loud as I got excited about something or raise his hand up as to shut me up when I laughed about something that I thought was funny. That escalated to cutting off my friends because he said that they were toxic for me. Which I'll give him credit, there was alot of drama that went on with them being in the picture. But when I would vent about when he's out of town and how certain situations don't add up, they would tell me to dump him. Afterall, he shouldn't be letting me worry til late hours of the night wondering where he's at and what he's doing.

It turns out, that he was extremely upset about how I wasn't appreciating what he does for me and am stressing too much about "nursing school" and I shouldnt "overexaggerate" because I study like "crazy anyway." He was incredibly drunk texting me this late at night. Which btw, I failed nursing school and when that occurred, he just wanted me to move on from feeling bad and be thankful for having a second shot at it. It was terrible.

On top of that, he wanted me to keep conversations with guys really short and civil. It got to the point where I was afraid to even be near a guy or stare at one too long to prevent from upsetting him. However, if he were to talk to a woman in public, it would be okay because he's just being "sociable" and "doesn't mean anything by it." Which I completely understand, but that is a double standard.

One night, I woke up and found my phone missing and it turned out to be downstairs. He said he used it as a flashlight, but I suspected that he thought I was hiding something from him. So when he passed out, I looked at his phone and found these messages on his phone about fucking this chick, talking about how older  women are so insecure and easy to manipulate, and he can't wait to go on a cruise to fuck every chick there, his friend sent pictures of girls he thought were hot, when asked if he was still dating me, he responded w/ "puts up with my shit." oh and how he possibly has some anchor baby where he last worked at.

Which, when he went to Paris, it was ridiculously stressful. He would come back to the hotel room with a crazy story about helping his coworker get a hall pass and going to a club in the middle of the woods. He showed me through Skype his stamp they implanted that covered his whole arm. Like what!?!? You got shit faced and did all that til 5am when you have work at 10am??

Anyways, when I saw the messages, I felt like I couldn't trust him. I felt he didn't care about me as much as I thought he did. It scared me. He was doing everything he could by spoiling me even more, but it tore me apart. His excuse for that was that "that's the way he talks to his friend..." basically "putting on a front" and that "he's himself when he's around me and I should know that."

When we got into arguments, he would make me feel like I was stupid. I would think my opinions had strong support, but he'd twist it, making it my fault. I felt so ashamed, as if I wasn't his equal. Felt like a child who didn't understand. He is so good with his words, and no matter what I did to defend myself, he would win. He didn't show he cared when I would get upset. Hed make it about himself, withhold affection, stonewall me until he thought it was okay. He didn't want me to leave the house until we were okay or else hed get mad and thought I was "ignoring" our problems.

I wanted a males perspective on it, and I eventually ended up talking to an ex guy friend. He told me to get out because he clearly saw I was anxious and not the same person I was when he met me. I met up with him a few times behind my boyfriend's back to just vent to him. The last time, I ended up going to his apartment and cried/vent but it turned out to be late at night so I crawled in the bed with him but got out 5 seconds later and passed out on the floor. I didn't do anything with this guy but vent. We then parted ways because I obviously felt guilty and knew it wasnt okay for me to do so.

That didn't come to the surface months later. However, we still weren't okay in the months before. He'd get upset over little things, and once I came clean about how I vented to a guy.. he called me a liar. He was extremely mad that I did that to us as a couple. He said he was losing "control of me" and doesn't doubt I had sex with him. I didn't but he didn't believe me anymore since I broke his trust. Then he kept insisting I probably messed around with other people (I didn't). So he wanted pictures of where I was at at all times, when we had sex from that point, it was angry rough sex. He hurt me, and he still kept going and just climaxed in me more than once. I let him because I thought it would solve how shitty I treated him by talking to my ex guy friend. I let him because he said it made him feel better. I even attempted anal because he said every guy has had every part of me.. my first kiss.. first true love.. best guy friend.. virginity.. so he wanted anal. When I gave up bc it hurt, he just got up, cleaned himself off, and wanted to sleep. I was so upset though.

I needed to talk to someone so I went to a counselor. She told me he was manipulating me and has classic behavior of emotional abuse which has deteriorated my self esteem. I was in shock. When I told him about it, he said he needed to breakup with me because I didn't deserve that. He says he didn't realize that he was doing it and that hes going to get help and that I should too. He doesn't want us to be together while we sort our issues out. He wanted to keep in contact with me after the breakup and we did for a few days but it was too painful so I told him we needed to cut contact. The only time we're allowed to contact is when we find someone else or are going through deep depression.

He has given me this hope that there is a possibility that we get back together in the future, but I have noticed he doesn't have my number in his phone anymore. Our mutual friends we have.. have not heard from him.. and I honestly don't think he's gotten help. I don't think he'll ever get a hold of me again. I know I've mentioned some of the bad moments, but there were really good times as well. This hurts so much and I am crying as I write this out. I miss him as messed up as it sounds, and I just hope he cared about me.

He dropped off all my things a week ago but left out all the gifts he bought me besides this stuffed animal I got the day before Christmas. Im having a hard time concentrating in school, and now I think this will delay my attempt to go back into nursing school again.

Sorry for the long post. I'm just so down, and I need to hear that I'm not the cause of the breakup. That he does have issues to work on. Just something. :/