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Feeling hopeless

auntierhon55
auntierhon55

I got back together with my ex-fiance and now he is battling cancer.  Everything was going ok until March.  we had planned to be in it together to the end.  I wanted one day, one week, one month, and one year with him as a family.  I thought we were picking up where we left off.  He got sick and his ex-wife took him to the hospital.  Now she does everything she can to keep me away.  I work full time and she works part time 2 days.  He seems to prefer using her help even though he knows she wants him back.  I work full time 5 days, part time 3 days and working on a dissertation.  He says he loves me and wants me to win but I don't feel like I am winning.  I feel like I am losing.  Every day I'm away from him, I envision them getting closer together and I feel as if I am being pushed apart.  I am very anal.  I write down ever time he calls, text, and the days we see each other.  He texts at least ever other day and I see him on an average of 1 day a week. So why do I feel so hopeless?  On fathers day she had a celebration for him and of course, I wasn't there.  It was a surprise for him. We lost a child.  I have no family and he does.  I have no support base but he does.  He was my support base. His ex made this video and posted it on her Facebook page and it looked like such a happy family minus me.  She did not tag him in the video. She has been messing with his phone and blocking my calls.  


I am very anal.  I write down ever time he calls, text, and the days we see each other.  He texts at least ever other day and I see him on an average of 1 day a week. So why do I feel so hopeless?  On fathers day she had a celebration for him and of course, I wasn't there.  They have a grown daughter.  It was a surprise for him. We lost a child.  I have no family and he does.  I have no support base but he does.  He was my support base after my mom and sister passed.   Because of the cancer, I want to spend as much time as I possibly can.


He tells me he loves me and misses me all the time but?  I feel as if I am losing my mind.  Nothing at all happened for us to be here.  He did tell me he didn't want me to see him die.  It's a nightmare.  I pray and pray but nothing seems to change.  Feeling hopeless. Can't sleep! Irritable!  I was close with his sister and she stopped responding. 


In the last two and half years, I feel I have given my best.  I have loved him, spoiled him and gave him something to live for.  He knows I love him.  He knows I want to be with him.  Ultimately it's his choice.  Today I decided that when he reaches out, I will respond but until he does I will focus on jobs and school. This is easier sad than done. When he reaches out, I'm going to suggest he come and stay with me a few days. His concern, can I go to school and work and still take care of him.  I think I can.  I know I can.  Because I did it before with my mom.  In his mind, it's too much.    

jimthzz
jimthzz
You may have to just move on. Cancer does funny things to a person's attitude. It can accentuate bad personality traits in some people.
auntierhon55
auntierhon55
Cancer is an ugly thing. Unfortunately, that's not where I am. I love him too much. I may have to move on because I have no choice but if I have a choice I want to be there. We loved each other. I wish I could just turn my feeling on and off. if I could, I surely would. Monday his mom asked me if she could talk to me but her husband got sick. She said she would talk later. I contacted her again, and she said her husband was still having tests. She said we would have a discussion but I just wonder why she could just answer my question. I asked had his feelings changed for me. It's a simple question. Anyway, things do change and tomorrow I could wake up feeling differently. All of this is turning into a nightmare.
auntierhon55
auntierhon55
I wish I could get some honestly. It isn't a lot to ask.
jojored
jojored
Maybe what the mom needs to say to you is something she believes you don't want to hear, and doesn't want to just dump bad news on you. It may be that she's hoping for a reconciliation with the ex. Who knows. You do need to find some peace with this all, and get some questions answered. Maybe write him a letter and give it to him, so he knows exactly where you stand and can be reminded of it on a daily basis. But depending upon how he's feeling, you may need to do what you are doing, and shelve the relationship till he's back on his feet. Sorry for your situation.
vwidow
vwidow
Auntie do you know how she came to be his ex wife? -I mean who divorced who and for what. Sorry for your entanglement in this. Such love triangles and family involvements can be damaging for everybody. I hope you get things straightened out. My husband got sepsis, supposedly had 2 strokes, and was whisked into the hospital by his family and I didn't know where he was for 17 days. A doctor finally called me. His family then interfered and tried to keep me from seeing him. The problem was he made 2 of his family members his poas. They later asked for my help but the damage was done...
auntierhon55
auntierhon55
She became the ex-wife because they were not compatible. They don't get alone. She is available to help him and he needs the help. I have asked a lot of people about them but not one person says they are affectionate. He is the kind of person that can be content in a loveless relationship. He has been married before. No I did not get any answers so I have to fill in the blanks myself. Nothing bad happened to us. Things were going well and then he got sick. I work full time, part time and work on a dissertation. He feels I do a lot and I guess he doesn't want to be a burden on me. So he took help from her. She is available and he needed the help. She wants them to get back together and she is willing to do anything to make that happen. If he had given me a chance, we could have worked it out but he did not give me that chance. I gave my best and there isn't anything more I can do. I do know that nothing good ever comes out of hurting someone.
auntierhon55
auntierhon55
Today I found out he needs more surgery on tumors in his head on July 5. Four months ago that's when all of this craziness began. He had a surgery. He does need help and if he feels his ex can help him them great. I am happy for him. I never had the conversation with his mom. I did see him. We talked briefly. I asked him if he wanted his ex-wife he can have her and he said, no it's not what he wants. He said that in front of her. I walked away being even more confused. He may not want her but he id definitely using her help. Anyway, I decided to give myself a break from all of this. I blocked his calls. So he can't send me any of his crazy text messages or calls. I believe what you give out; you will get it back. You really can't win, when you go out of your way to hurt others. I don't owe him anything. I gave my best not once but twice.
mlr0853
mlr0853
First I feel so sorry for your challenging situation...love can really suck when someone has cancer and there is a different caretaker....from your perspective, your life is Full and Very Busy, your life has a future. Ex wife....no life, no future with your F. I wonder if your F is trying to get his needs met...help/an ear, and trying to protect you from his declining health..if he knows he is terminal...you didn't mention if he was...since this is the second time around with your relationship, I guess your decision is how much emotional and physical energy you can give out without depleting your own mental and physical health...in addition to work and education...take care
Spr167
Spr167
Auntie, this is just ridiculous!! I wish him improved health. But, its like you can't catch a break! That mf knows you love him, yet he got the ex wife up there taking care of him. And didn't invite you over for his Fathers Day surprise, and he loves you? The ex wife was quiet when he said he didn't want her, in front of you because that heifer is still plotting to get him. It would have taken ALL my will power not to rip him a new one! I just rippes my ex a new one, and I fought hard not to. He has to readjust himself to a family emergency and his ex-wife and daughter not getting along and his teenage daughter having to move back in with hi.. Here I am telling him I love you, begging him to see him, being supportive and patient, kind, and caring. All he did was be a straight-up jerk and enough was enough and I told him off something fierce. And how dear his mother not complete her conversation with you. And then people wonder why you become a big house of Fire it's because they've created that situation instead of doing what's right. Now I just have to be positive and grateful and start to plan my future, I have a lot going for myself. You have a lot going for yourself too it's time to start focusing on you and your future. We create our own lives energetically. It hurts now and it's tough now but we will get through this!
Spr167
Spr167
And why did you guys break up in the first place, if you don't mind me asking because this may clear up a lot for you?
auntierhon55
auntierhon55
I love your fire Spr167! You made me smile. In a three year period my youngest sister was killed on Christmas Eve, then the next year I loss a child. We got engaged to be married and then he cheated and got the ex-wife pregnant. We broke off our engagement. I don't know how we salvaged anything but somehow we became friends. When I loss my sister I struggled and he acted out like a child. Fast forward he decided to marry the lady he cheated with when we were together. That marriage ended around the 1 and 4 months mark. This is when we decided to give it a second chance even with the cancer. For about 3 years things went well until march. They found out he had tumors and then radiated those tumors. He began to feel he needed more care than he was letting me know. He begin to not want me to see his failing health. He seemed to not care if she saw him that way but he seemed to really care that I saw him that way. The mother had a plan to kick the ex out but when the mother and sister showed up he was really sluggish and he blood pressure was really low. The mother used this moment to throw her out. She was removed and the family began to do shifts to keep the ex away. This past Friday they found out, even more were present in his brain. Yes mlr0853, the lung cancer is terminal. He was taking opdivo but he did not appear to be working. The doctors do not plan to radiate any more brain tumors because they don't think it will help. Now he is in a lot of pain and sleeps a lot. It appears the situation has a life of it's own. Yes! I have a lot going. it's tough now but I will get through this! Right now I feel depleted mental and physical health. I am just limping along. In the last three months I begun to grieve and now I know I have to prepare. I have had many losses. So working for the air force base, teaching and the dissertation, I am overwhelmed. When I have a day off I am so tired that when I sleep I am still tired.
auntierhon55
auntierhon55
widow - the family treated you poorly. People can be so cruel. Yes, the damage was done. You went through a lot for what? They were being hateful. Karma! Death and disease tend to bring out the real personality of the people involved. When my mother died, my sister decided that she would keep everything that belongs to my mom. I got nothing and then she loses my mother's house. Someone told me that when a person is battling an illness, their flaws are magnified. I am so very sorry for what you have gone through.
auntierhon55
auntierhon55
The fathers day celebration was thrown as a surprise. He was unaware. He children just popped over to surprise him. She is a major manipulator and she did a lot of what I saw on facebook for my benefit. Of course fell right in the trap. After the impromtu surprise that's when he realized how heartbroken I was. When you know a person is terminal you tend to go overboard and I did. I wanted everything to be special so she tried to beat me to the punch. Looking at the pics and watching the video stabbed me in the heart.
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