Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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UghFeelings 10/06/2016

Hi all,

This is my first time posting, so I hope my story isn't too long, and I'll meet others with similar experiences. Here's the gist:

My live-in boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up about 4.5 months ago, and he moved out. Throughout the relationship, he had struggled with alcohol abuse (not sure if he's a full-blown alcoholic), and smoked pot daily (I have no issue with that, if in moderation). The catalyst was an incident in which he went to Vegas, and got black-out drunk, possibly a seizure, and then severe anxiety. I talked him through it, and he was able to get home after missing his flight. He said that he needed to get help for his drinking, as he's had similar experiences in the past, and throughout our time together. One week later, I left to get some air after a fight, and he had gone out to get alcohol. I had just had it at that point, since he didn't seem willing to help himself. In addition to his alcohol abuse, he was in the Marine Corps, and has PTSD. Our relationship had escalated at points where we both had become verbally abuse/destructive, so the issues weren't just his fault.

I felt much lessed stressed for the first month following the break-up. About that time, I heard through the grapevine that he was casually dating. That really seemed to hit home, but dealt with it, even though I thought about him constantly. We both work in the same building, and as I was leaving work tonight, I saw him kissing his new girlfriend in the parking lot. She's another co-worker on our campus. It felt like a complete kick to the gut. Not only do I have to walk past his office occasionally and see him, but to see him be intimate with her in a way that we used to be really killed.

We've been No Contact since the breakup aside from a casual "Hi" maybe once or twice. I'm not sure where to go from here, and feel lost. I keep thinking that he's getting his life together (working on his drinking/PTSD/Anger Issues), has a much more supportive partner who he is falling in love with, and feeling that maybe I exacerbates his drinking. I know these are all assumptions that I shouldn't indulge in, but I'm having a rough time.

I would love some feedback/similar experiences?

Thank you for taking the time to read!

mirandac 10/06/2016

I would get into therapy to help Guide you.
It really does help to have some Guidance
and professional prospective.

Many Times there are areas we need to work
on so We dont fall into that same trap again.

Alanon would Help a great deal. Often times
thats What we come from then find it again.
No surprise when we are from a dysfunctional
And/or alcoholic home.

Let yourself grieve your losses it takes time to feel
All the emotions and feelings and then hopefully
Let them go. Breakups are hard after a long term
Relationship, let yourself heal. If there are any breakup
Groups that would be helpful too. HUGS

samantha717 10/06/2016

You and he had the same experience, right? The beginning of a new relationship when everyone is on their best behaviour and you think the sun rises and sets on him, right? Well, look what happened when he got comfortable enough in your relationship and the mask started slipping off. He became an addicted, abusive, irresponsible mess. That's what she is in for. He's reeling her in just like he did you. Hopefully, she smart enough and strong enough to get out like you were. When you see your ex with a new mate for the first time, it can really hurt ... especially if they didn't treat you so well in the relationship. You wonder why you couldn't bring out that Mr. Wonderful side of him. Keep reminding yourself that you were once in her shoes. He hasn't changed a bit.

I really feel sorry for anyone who gets mixed up with my stbx. She better have 1) a trust fund of her own, 2) a good therapist and 3) an even better lawyer.

11Christmases 10/06/2016

I have been in a similar situation, married to an alcoholic who became abusive over the years. He married someone whom he met 3 months after I threw him out. Obviously a rebound person, but I had to endure hearing details about the wedding from my own children, and knowing our mutual friends were there. I have to hear about how he treats her the way he should have treated me. Like you, I have questioned whether he changed for her. It was tough, and I feel for you, having to see him around work. It takes time, but you will feel better if you keep busy and remind yourself that you are better off. I am doing much better now, have found new friends by joining groups, and even dated a little bit. Being around other people who actually like me, has helped so much. It sounds like you do not have children together - so at least you don't have the forced contact from the visitation. Is there a way you could get your work hours adjusted to an earlier time, so you don't see them as you enter/exit the building? Every little step you take toward full no-contact will help. It takes time. He may be purposely flaunting this in your face. My ex did that, too. I did not let him see it affect me. He has to accept that I'm happy without him.. Living well is the best revenge.

UghFeelings 10/08/2016

Thank you all for the feedback. Mirandac, I'm currently seeing a therapist, which seems to be helping somewhat. I just feel like I get stuck, you know? I think Alanon is a good suggestion - I hadn't thought of that.

Samantha717, thank you for putting a little reality check in there for me. In my head, this new girl is his one true love, and he's so incredibly happy in his new life. She's fixed him, because she's supportive and knows how to provide the emotional support he needs. Of course, the reality of the situation may be far from that, as you pointed out :) He's struggled with his issues in relationships prior to ours, so I'm thinking he may continue to struggle, and like you said, the mask will start slipping off once he's comfortable. It's just so hard to be a bystander to this.

11Christmases, I'm sorry to hear that you've had a similar experience, but so happy to hear that you've found effective ways to cope. Keeping my fingers crossed that I can get there!

charliegirl815 10/09/2016

I can understand somewhat. I had felt that maybe my ex drank because he was unhappy in our marriage. From what you shared, he would be considered an alcoholic and drinking could be his escape from life. It sounds like you made the right decision, because until he was willing to get help, it would have been difficult for anything to change.

Since there's been "no contact," he has moved on. It may be better for now to avoid running into him. It's hard to let go of feelings, so learn from the relationship and take it day by day. It may be helpful to find a counselor to help you process your feelings and learn the signals of an unhealthy relationship before you get romantically involved again. You will come out stronger, wiser and happier. Best wishes.

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