Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So when my ex decided to send his expensive camera equipment to my door last week, I lost it with him, for the first time in a long time. All of the anger came back, since he is blowing my hard retirement money on himself and not giving a dime to help with our daughter. When he called on the phone, I yelled at him. Unbeknownst to me, my daughter was standing next to my ex and she got really upset hearing me yell at him. Yesterday at school, she started crying at lunch and ended up with the school counselor and she confessed about the divorce and me yelling at her dad. Now she gets to see the counselor, once a week. She has been doing very well up until now and I have been getting her some counseling outside of school -- and her regular counselor thinks she is doing well.
I am feeling really guilty about causing my 8-year-old daughter to get upset. I talked with her about it after the fact -- as soon as she was back in my care. But even after telling her I was sorry and that I would try and do better, she still was depressed about it after the fact. I am have been trying so hard to do the right thing for my daughter -- by protecting her against the homelessness, depression, and self-centered spending habbits of my ex -- and yet I still have failed. I didn't mean to lose it, but it is so frustrating. He doesn't think he has to contribute a cent to our daughters' care, because he gave me such a deal with the divorce (and didn't ask for alimony or for me to pay off the exceessive debt he had acquired spending money on himself). Even though we have joint custody, I have her 6 days a week and I am the only one who pays anything for her care, education, clothes. Thus, when his expensive camera equipment showed up at my door, I lost it and in doing so, I harmed my daughter. Ughhhhhh. . .
I totally understand about the guilt you feel for your daughter. I lost it on New Year's Day and blurted out we were getting a divorce to my kids. Totally not what any of the books or advice column tells you to do. As a single parent carrying so much weight in your shoulders I totally understand the stress you're under. I am sure I will have many more moments like this. I think you're doing the right thing - getting her counseling and talking to her directly. But it is unfair that your ex gets to remain a good guy in her mind despite all he has done (or has not done) to support her. I think she will eventually find out herself. In the meantime you should forgive yourself and continue working on yourself by getting therapy if you haven't already.
It is so unfair that we have to pay anything for these husbands. What about all the years we financially supported them? I understand equal opportunity but my husband was working and could have made more income if he wanted to. That's a little different from a stay at home mom - I still paid for my kids childcare and continues to do so he had atleast 8-5 to get a normal job.
Anyway hopefully I won't have to go battle for money but who knows at this point. I am so over it.
If you were a man, he'd probably have full custody (stay at home mothers still tend to get full custody in PA), 50-60% of the retirement and assets that were earned during the marriage, child support, and alimony.
He'd also likely have the choice in where she went to school. And complete freedom to spend (or waste) the child support and alimony as he wished.
And you'd probably have the whole 40k in debt.
You say you make a good living. I suggest focus on that...what you CAN do. You just need to set things up so that you and your child get along fine with out him contributing. You can do this. If things are two expensive, then you need to find ways to live within your means. (((HUGS))) I'm sorry his behavior is getting at you. I totally get it, but you need to take the focus off of him and what he is doing or not doing. You have no control over it. You never did anyway, right? Yes, you slipped up with the yelling, but you can overcome this by how you behave from here on. The apology was a good thing, now you have to show you mean it with actions. This will take time to build the trust between your daughter. Avoid saying anything negative about her dad around her. It will go well with you if you do. (((HUGS)))) hang in there
It sounds like aside from that one very small incident, you are doing a great job raising your daughter, and getting her the counseling she needs.
One day when she's an adult, she will understand how hard this divorce must have been for you. Sending hugs.
As for your daugther, we can only learn from our mistakes and try to do better. Be consistent and honest with her. I have my DD in therapy as well, it is finally starting help. It will get better. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Not trivializing what you are going through, just appreciate what you have as best that you can.
If the mortgage is too difficult to swing, then sell the house and rent somewhere.
But no, that probably wouldn't be used against him.
Marriages are complicated. One person moves for another. One person takes off of work for another.
It's just too much of an "he says...she says" to decide who's right. Otherwise he could make all sorts of claims too like she could have had a higher paying job...worked less or more, whatever...
Irresponsibility is a reason to get divorced, but it doesn't stop the fact that the agreement before that was "for better or worse" not until "one of us acts like a shit".
And no one lives the same way after a divorce. For the simple fact, that if that was so...someone would be homeless.