(Sorry this is a longer story, but please read it if you have the time)... I've been with this guy for a little over a year now and we're expecting our first child in July of this year. (He already has two kids with someone else, so it's not his first baby ever.) As usual, things were great at first. We met at work and we clicked instantly. We have an 11 year age difference (he's the older one) and it hasn't really affected us much, but sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with a teenage boy. I got pregnant about 3 months after we started dating, and we were really excited. He had said he wanted more kids with me but we weren't expecting it to happen that fast. I ended up miscarrying with that pregnancy, and it took a toll on our relationship. My doctor thought I was having a tubal pregnancy so she wanted me to terminate it before it got dangerous, but I didn't want to because there was no actual proof that it was tubal and I didn't want to risk ending a potentially healthy pregnancy. My boyfriend sided with my doctor and wanted me to terminate as well because he claimed he didn't want me to endure any further health complications later down the road when we decided to try again. We ended up getting into a big argument over it and we split up. During that time, I had confided in my ex of 5 years who I had always been able to count on. This decision hurt my current boyfriend, but we decided to get back together and I ended all commuication with my ex. I was afraid to get back together with my current boyfriend because I knew that I had hurt him, and he had warned me early in our relationship that he was a "tit for tat" kind of guy. I shared my feelings with him and he told me that he wanted me to move in with him and meet his kids, because no one had met them before and he truly saw a serious, long-term relationship with me.... so I did. I moved in and everything went great. We even tried for another baby, but we didn't have much luck. Flash forward to a few months later, we started arguing. I suspected he was cheating on me and he denied all of my claims. There are SO many things that happened in that time frame that I won't go in to detail about but I will say that he kicked me out of his house one night, without warning. I was finishing up an online class and he had passed out drunk on the couch (he began drinking more). When I left, I saw my laptop come flying out the door and I ran inside to find him packing up all of my things. He told me he didn't want me there and he thought I would've taken the hint by now. I decided to take everything with me and go back to my parents' house that night. The next day, he texted me asking if I was okay and we decided to get together. He didn't want me to move back in right away, but said he wanted to get back together. A few days later, his kids' mom had a death in the family (her father), and he told me he had to go out of town with her and the kids to let her use his truck to clean out her dad's apartment. He stayed over night and they got drunk together with her family. He texted me, saying he was showering with her and making all kinds of rude remarks to me. I was pretty heartbroken. The next day, he texted me while sober saying that she and her family had taken his phone and they were just messing around with me. I let all of that go, and still tried to be with him. We stayed together but we weren't happy. He kept delaying me moving back in, and he always made excuses. Then one day I found out that he was seeing the girl I suspected him cheating on me with. He had lied to me and snuck her over to his house multiple times. We ended up breaking up and the truth came out about it. He told me that he cheated on me to get back at me for confiding in my ex during my miscarriage because he is "tit for tat" and he wanted me to feel the way he felt. I think he's just sick in the head. Somehow, I was still willing to be his friend. I looked pathetic because I begged him to be with me, which is not something I have ever done before. I don't know what it was about him that made me want to be with him so bad. I think I was just longing for that perfect sense of a relationship that we had in the beginning. I also gave up a potentially great relationship with the ex I had mentioned earlier because I wanted to see where this relationship would go... big mistake. Long story short, things didn't work out with the other girl and we had remained in contact throughout his relationship with her. About a month after they supposedly stopped talking, I found out I was pregnant again, and we were pretty much back together but without the title because he didn't want to put a title on it. I'm not stupid, and I know he didn't want to put a title on it because he didn't want to feel guilty for anything he would do with anyone else if we were official again. Can you see why I feel like I'm dealing with a teenage boy and not a 36-year-old man? I told him I was pregnant and shortly after that, I moved back in and we had a talk about our relationship so that we were committed to one another. I can accept that we should have been more careful to prevent the pregnancy, but he wants to blame it on me. The week I found out I was pregnant, I was actually supposed to take a trip across the country to see about moving there. I wanted a fresh start, but all those plans were put on hold when I found out I was pregnant and we decided to try and work it out.

As I've already said, I'm not stupid. I know if he wanted to be with me he would've been with me before I was pregnant again. He went from wanting to have kids with me and marry me, to not wanting any more kids or marriage, so this was an unwanted pregnancy for him. It's hard because I'm close to his kids and we get along great, and I do love him deep down but the longer I'm with him, the more I feel like I'm with a monster or something. He waited until I was five months pregnant to even tell his family and I wasn't allowed to post it on Facebook or share it publicly in any way. I believe he and his ex still have something going on, because he really didn't want to tell her. He said she would try to get him for child support (only one of his kids is biologically his, the other one is hers who he decided to take on and raise since her real dad isn't in the picture), and I told him to let her try because he pays for everything for the kids and is taking care of a kid that isn't even his. He has had a problem with me going to his son's basketball games because his ex will be there and he didn't want to rub it in her face, despite us being together for a year... it just all makes no sense to me. I don't like feeling like I'm a secret and I've expressed this to him. He recently started bringing me to basketball, but I had to put up a big fight to even get to this point, which I believe shouldn't have happened. He will tell me he wants to be with me and he wants things to work out, and for us to be happy, but his actions speak louder to me than his words do.

We don't really spend time together anymore. He is always getting drunk when we don't have his kids, and he will just seclude himself from me. I don't really receive any affection anymore....barely an "I love you" here and there. I decided to go through his phone the other night after he passed out drunk (which I NEVER do), but I felt like I needed to see something. I knew he still had the texts from the girl he cheated on me with so I wanted to see what was said. He was telling her he wanted to marry her and have her and her kids move in with him and his, and it really broke my heart to read those things. When he was seeing her, he made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him and like she was so much better than me. After reading their conversation, I don't believe that he cheated just to get back at me. I believe he genuinely wanted more with her and it just didn't work out so he resorted to coming back to me. I also read texts between him and his ex (the kids' mom), and when he told her I was pregnant, she was very upset. I knew she wasn't over him, despite them being broken up for years, but it also showed me that he is not over her either. She told him she was just going to move on with her life and move south, and then later apologized for the way she responded toward him. She told him that if he was happy, she was happy for him. He told her he wasn't happy about it and didn't know what to do. He said that he prayed the first time for a miscarriage and it worked, but he didn't think it would work again. After reading that, I am appalled! He also told her that he knows it's not going to work out with me in the end, and he feels stuck. He has expressed to me many times that he's afraid I'm going to come after him for child support in spite of him, and I have told him many times that I'm more interested in him having a good relationship with our child like he has with his kids now than I am in his money. He told me if I try to get him for child support, he will just have his ex file for support as well and she will just give him back the money he gives her so that my kid doesn't get all of his money......... yet he told me he didn't want to tell her because he was afraid SHE would get him for child support. It makes no sense.

I have been wanting to leave for a while, but I've never built up the courage to actually do it. I keep waiting on him to show me that he cares... that I mean something to him, but it's not going to happen and I think I'm just wasting my time at this point. My parents have told me that I can move back in with them and live rent free, and that they will help me with the baby until I can stand on my own two feet. I just feel ashamed moving back into my parents house. And to top it all off, my ex who I confided in, just recently moved back from Florida to live with my parents until he can get on his own two feet because he was going through a rough time and they wanted to help him. If I tell my boyfriend now that my ex is living with my parents again, I will face WWIII. I just don't know what to do. My ex and I have spoken recently and he thinks my best option is to leave, so do all my friends and family.

I confronted my boyfriend last night about the texts on his phone. He said that his relationship with the girl he cheated with was all fake, but I don't believe it. He said he was just "blowing smoke up her ass", which I really don't believe. If that was the case, he wouldn't have given her a key to his house or tried to go on a trip with her, among many other things. He also said that he doesn't want another baby but he thinks his feelings will change when he sees the baby in person, and that he won't treat him any differently than he treats his kids now. I just don't believe it. I was crying and he just doesn't care when I'm upset. He said he didn't know what he wanted and that he does feel like it's not going to work out in the end so he doesn't know if he should cut his losses now or hang on. He did apologize for being inconsiderate of me, and he told me he was going to try to put in more effort, but I told him if he doesn't want to be with me, especially since neither one of us is really happy, that we shouldn't be wasting our time. His response was that he does want to be with me and he says he will put in more effort. I told him maybe some time apart would do us some  good and he disagreed, but at this point I have to do what I feel is best for me.

I just feel stuck. Should I stay or should I go? Should I wait for him to show me he cares like he says he will or should I just leave? I think if he really wanted to show me he cared, he would do it whether or not I leave. Maybe I just found my answer.....

Thoughts? Comments? I'm open to hearing anything.