I think it's easy to internalize this as a failure. I felt like a failure, for sure. I couldn't understand why the hell my marriage didn't make it, and here I am, with parents married for 41 years my my grandparents had been married for 63.

But, on the flipside, it's not. Instead of looking at it like a failure, look at it as a situation where you gave and did the best you could. I mean, hell, I could ock out A's in english class all day, but a C was the best I got in math after night after night of studying. Did a C suck? Yep. Did I do the best I could? Definitely.

We had a plan. The plan was to be married, live happily ever after. Did that plan work out? No. Does it mean there are NO other plans out there??? Absolutely not.

You're not a failure. A failure is something who gives up WITHOUT a fight. A failure is someone who puts aside hir or her self-respect anf dignity and allows themselves to be less than in order to keep someone unworthy of us, happy.

When I weighed my decision to divorce...the feeling...the THOUGHT of how strongly I felt that staying with him AFTER he cheated was something I was so against..was polarizing. I would have felt like a failure...like a fraud...if I had continued being in a marriage where I was disrespected and not happy...and for what??? To keep up a charade that we were happy because we were married, while the years slip away???

You are not a failure. You gave it your best, and that is truly the best we can really do.

you are the one who is taking on the guilt. that means that your wife pinned it all on you and walked away. they have to do that becuase if they don't, then they have to look at themselves and see that they are supposed to be solution oriented. they don't want to be solution oriented so they lay the guilt trip on you.

plus, you were the man of the house. the man is going to be the fall guy most of the time.

but, you tried your best like Trying has put so well. now, it is over. now, you do not have to carry any guilt any more. now, you can give yourself to start brand new too just like your ex wife has given herself permission to.

it takes time to gradually let go of the feelings and even the guilt. but, we do a little bit more every day so be patient. life will feel ok again eventually. :)

((rudy)). No one escapes life without losses. I don't consider all my losses as failures. Right now it just hurts. Keep working it out and as you grieve those losses it will get better.

Be kind to yourself Rudy.

i know how you feel. my fiance walked away from me and i lost my future family. i agree with trying that you did the best you could and so did i.. it is so hard and i can really relate to your post.

I've been feeling like a complete failure too.

For me, I worry because I feel like I haven't had a chance to try my best. He ended it and I want to keep trying. He doesn't want to try or even talk about the problems or anything. If TryingtoM is right, then maybe he is the failure and not me for giving up without a fight.

If TryingtoM is also right about giving up self respect and dignity to go back to someone unworthy of you, then I guess I'd be a failure if I did go back to him since everyone thinks he was emotionally abusing me. I was certainly suffering from symptoms of emotional abuse.

I do feel so full of guilt and confusion though. I just wish I at least had the chance to try! I just can't make sense of any of it and feel like I'm in a total state of shock.

Rudy, sometimes someone makes up their mind to leave without including us, and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. My ex--out of the blue a few years ago--suddenly told me he wasn't happy with things the way they were, and there were some things he wanted me to change.

I worked hard on changing the things about myself he said he didn't like (namely, "leaning on him too much" emotionally) over the next year and a half--then after that time he suddenly tells me that even though I made all the changes he wanted, he still wants to leave (no explanation as to why).

I think sometimes people just make up their mind they want to end things, and there is nothing we can do to change it. That doesn't mean we failed! As Trying put it so well, failing is giving up *without* a fight, and allowing ourselves to be less than, in order to keep someone unworthy of us, happy.

Faithful, no offense, but I don't agree that the man is the fall guy most of the time. The woman gets blamed just as often (I am a case-in-point, as are the many other women on this board). These things don't discriminate by gender, IMO!

Well Rudy, along your line of thinking, in order to "fail" at keeping the family together, you would have had to "control" another human being, thereby resting the fate of the relationship solely on your shoulders.

Fortunately, that's not the way shit works. You can't "control" her, you can only control you, and your actions. If you are content that you did the best you could, let yourself off the hook, and look at everything you have on the table today, not what was on the table and left on it's own accord. ;)

I felt that way myself at first when she left three months ago. But so many of the people on here have helped me to see that my marriage may have failed, but I did not fail.

"Let Them Go"

By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean, hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody who left.

The Bible said that they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for
us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

It doesn't mean that they are a bad person; it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when peoples' part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift. I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!

You're not a failure! You can't control the actions of anyone but you.

Hang in there-sending you support!

Rudy,

It is great that you know what you are feeling. You are not a failure, marriage and relationships involve two people. Please don't internalize the blame.

Instead of thinking you're a failure, can you change it to be positive? For example, "I am a great dad." "I am loved." "I am lovable." I've noticed if once our thoughts are changed to be positive we feel better, have confidence, and the problem doesn't seem as difficult to handle.

I know this is hard to do when we have difficult issues going on but I feel it makes us stronger and helps us grow to be better people.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

Warm regards.

@maybe -

Failure would be having the opportunity to do your best and NOT. YOU did NOT have that opportunity. He didn't give it to you. He, essentially, gave up, without a fight, and those actions say what his opinion of it was.

Hell, when I decided to divorce, i still questioned if I could keep up the good fight. I probably could have...I prob could have fought to "save" my marriage for ten more years..because it had been and, at the time, was extremely important to me.

But you can't save a marriage alone. If the other one wants out, and they demonstrate it by getting out, staying out, and not working on it...then they fail. They failed as the half of what is a committed couple.

That is not a reflection on you. You simply cannot control or make someone fight harder, be better, or understand more.

And, if he was emotionally abusing you...then, hell yes, don't go back to him. I was not going to stay in a marriage where I felt "less than" just to save face....for me, my self-respect was too high of a cost.

Wishing you the best :)