I agree with everyone here. It seems more like the END of something, but you have to try and look at it as if it was the BEGINNING of something else. Possibly something even better. It is bound to be hard to begin with but it is always darkest before the dawn. Just try to stay positive, and let it go. It is what it is. We are here for you....

I know it;s terribly hard but you are doing the right thing. Cheaters don't change without a hell of a lot of therapy and commitment to the relationship - each phone call or text to her is a step away from your relationship.

I hope you have the strength to keep going because it is the best thing for you and your children.

Lynne

the guilt, the second guessing...ugh....exhausting.
You are doing what is right for you.
Hugs!

Unfortunately, what you are feeling is quite natural (or, so I'm told). I still second guess myself. .

Ultimately, it comes to down to respecting yourself for making the decision to end something unhealthy, because obviously, neither one of our spouses showed us any respect.

Thank you everyone..thank you..hugs and kisses to all. I am trying to keep my chin up and above water, or snow (ha ha) so to speak.

Any book you read on rebuliding a relationship after an affair says, that person who had the affair has to be completely transparent! So YES! You do have the right to know who he is talking to or exactly where he is going, if you were to fix your marriage. And it sounds like he is not even trying to fix it. Still texting her? Nooooooo!!!!

It would almost be better if he just up and left you. Then you would know for sure, then you could move on because you would have no other choice. I think you feel so bad for filing, for moving forward on the divorce, that your thinking is clouded. He's snowing you, sorry for the reference!

You are doing the self-respecting thing. That's not wrong.

Big hugs, llmt!!

llmt,
If what makes you feel like filing is a mistake has everything to do with what will happen apart from him, then it cannot possibly be a mistake. It is fear.

If you feel it is a mistake even though you love him, he loves you, and you will both go full-speed ahead to make this work, then maybe it is a mistake.

You can't regret something based on the future.

I love what njmel has said in this thread. Every word of it.

I am terrified to file, for financial reasons, so I REALLY understand this and feel in no place to offer you any advice (since i can't take it myself yet....). Just wanted to offer you a hug and to let you know I know that paralyzing fear. (((((LLMT)))))

Yes, fear the main ingredient for giving a second, third, or even fourth chance. I, like you have this exact same feeling. We really need to take everyones advice here and just do it for ourselves, but it is so hard not to doubt ourselves in the same process. I to think sometimes I should have just looked the other way, but then when I think of them together, it is like a gushing wound in my soul. We will never understand what has happened in our lives. But I am glad you had the courage to file, Yes, your life may be rough for awhile, but it could be worse. I only work p/t make about 8000 a year right now. You have an education and a chance to really make it on your own. Yes you may not want that but atleast you can try. I don't have any idea what I am going to do. But, I just wanted to let you know that I hope & pray I find the courage you have, to move on. But I also know I will have doubts. I hope everyone on here is right in saying we will be glad we made this choice in the end. Hugs to you.

Don't forget you can mitigate your fears by making a plan. Who can you turn to for financial support, shelter, hugs? Where can you get emergency funds? Food? Daycare (if necessary)? Figure out your options and do your research. A lot of fear comes from the unknown. You get a handle on the unknown, you get a handle on your fear.

I think we all question and re-question if we are doing the right thing. You need to stand up for yourself no matter how scared you are and say that you deserve better than this... How can things get better if you stay in a rut? As someone recently reminded me, we are setting examples for our children not just providing for them. Hugs, I know this is easier said than done :)

I'm right there with you- we filed the same day as you know! The mixed emotions, the guilt, the fear- it's got to be normal since so many of us have felt it. Just know you are doing the right thing for you and for your children. That's what's keeping me from contacting mine to reconsider- even after the abuse, the affair, and the abandonment, I still have/had these thoughts. But I will not act on them. I will stay strong. and so will you. Big hugs to you!

(((((L)))))

I know how you feel, believe me. That is the absolute worst and hardest thing to do. Even if you don't have a choice or if you KNOW its the "healthy" thing to do, it is still an admission of failure, in some ways...even if you weren't to blame which, in both of our cases, we were not.

All I can say is that IMO, you made the only choice left you could make and even if it doesn't seem like it, someday you will be happy again and you will look back on this as the toughest yet best decision you made.

I hope you find some peace and happiness soon, my friend. Lord knows this has been a long and difficult road for you.

How can respecting yourself & demanding that respect from your husband be the wrong thing? He obviously isn't giving it.. I feel so bad for your confliction & reading your post made me immediately think of something I read last night. It might help..

http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Separation_Divorce_Process/legal-ready.html

(((hugs)))

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME DOING THIS BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT I GREW UP WITH PARENTS WHO STAYED TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS. MY MOM CHEATED ON MY DAD AND EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE BOTH GOOD PARENTS, IT AFFECTED ME AS AN ADULT. AS A RESULT I DID NOT TRUST MY WIFE AND SHE LEFT ME. I LOST MY FAMILY, MY HOME, MY JOB AND MORE. WHAT I AM SAYING IS IF YOU WERE ABLE TO STAY WITH HIM MOST LIKELY YOU WOULDNT BE ABLE TO KEEP YOURE ANGER AND SADNESS AWAY FROM YOURE KIDS. THEY WILL FIGURE IT OUT AND THEY WILL BE AFFECTED. I BELIEVE KIDS ARE BETTER OFF DEALING WITH A DIVORCE RATHER THEN LISTENING TO THEIR PARENTS FIGHT, ARGUE, CRY AND ALL THE REST THAT COMES WITH IT.