Hi, you're up early! Or late. :) I'm the resident night owl here, so I'll give this a go.

My advice is always: keep things as simple as possible. There's no need to give her articles, or go into an in-depth explanation about how much she hurt you, etc. She could possibly be reaching out to make herself feel better, like, 'Oh, he's fine, so what I did wasn't so bad.' It's possible she's reaching out because she genuinely wants to be friends, but in any case, I would honestly say, 'Thank you for reaching out, I really appreciate it. Glad to see you are doing well. Take care.' That, in my opinion, doesn't leave any room for further discussion. I know you said you want to have a friendship, but are you over it? Doesn't sound like it. I certainly wouldn't open the door to any sort of consistent communication/friendship until you're completely past what happened. And if you want her to understand what she did to you, the pain, etc., I really don't think it'd be healthy for you to be friends with your ex. Most of us aren't friends with our exes, and that in itself is something to work through, because it's like a death.

Sorry, I know I said a lot, but please consider just cutting it off with a quick 'Thanks for checking in' and that's it. If you put any emotion into it, I don't think you're going to get the reaction from her you're hoping for, so just don't waste your time.

No - there is no book b/c no one can ever understand the pain we feel but US. And that is okay, it is not for anyone to understand. That's like expecting someone to feel the grief we feel when say our mother passes away. Outsiders can only try to get how you feel but can't even begin to underdstand why you can't overcome a loss or be the seam person you used to be. Trying to push people to understand is a waste of energy better spent on recovering. Tell you EX with friends like her - who needs enemies.

Unless you have children with her there is not reason to be in touch. Work on forgiving her simply because forgiveness takes away our load - but that doesn't mean you owe her anything, doesn't mean you have to let her in and out of your life.

Only reason she wants to check up on you is because it makes her feel like "a good, caring person" - it's about her, not you.

If it was me I would tell her to kick rocks.

Good luck.

You don't need to be "friends" and you don't need to explain to her or try and get her to understand what she put you through. It's only going to cause you to relive all that crap. I agree with the two responses above. Move on without out her.

Funny but true...


Being friends with your ex is like, a Kidnapper kidnapping you, letting you free, and then saying keep in touch...

Milliejay, I like that. I will be using that alot.

We signed the papers a couple weeks ago and I was relieved that I do not have to take her crap anymore. So, couple of days ago, she text me and she wants to be friends, WTF.
I replied, "I don't know". After the stuff she put me through the past few months and how she treated me. I don't think we can.
We only communicate because of kids.

when all of this started for me I hung onto him for dear life, as I pleaded and begged and tried to make us work! I thought we could remain friends. but the pain is too much. I needed to let all of him go. if I can't have him as my husband, my lover, my soul mate and best friend, I can't have any of him, hope that makes sense. I had to make a clean break for my own sanity.
there is no need to try and change them, help them see the errors of their ways, remind them of the pain and damage they did to us or to start up a casual friendship! I just don't see any good in that, since you don't have kids together. they made another life without us, we are slowly making a new life without them......it's over, it's done, why go back down that road? do you really want just a friendship with her or do you still have hidden feelings for her, I just worry it will just reopen the wounds for you..........Look where you are today and where you were a couple of years ago, is maintaining a friendship with her worth the risk of getting your heart broken again? Good luck with what you decide!!!!!

I was pretty much going to say what Misred said. She doesn't have to get it. You don't owe her an explanation.. No way I could be friends with someone who betrayed me, abandoned me, and put me through hell. I'd imagine you feel the same way. I think they reach out because of guilt and curiosity, just to put their conscience at ease. I won't give mine the satisfaction. I've done what I need to do to close the chapter. My ex and his family still don't get why I won't talk to them, but it's for the same reason as you--to completely shut that painful chapter in my life.

I guess my question would by why do you need her to understand.

You are not ready to be friends with her if you still need her to get what your going through.

I look at it like this, I had no idea how hard divorce could be until it was happening to me. I wold see friends going through it, be sympathetic for a few months and then I would move on. I didn't have any clue as to what they were going through. I didn't understand the pain, betrayal, trust issues, money issues etc. I also didn't understand that it really does take years to get over a marriage.

So your former wife may never understand the way you want her too. She probably knows you were hurt, so you should just except that .

As for being friends, I am now friendly with the father of my children. We can sit on the porch and have a coffee and talk with the kids. But I think that's because I am over the hurt, and never in a million years would I think of him as a partner, he is just the father of my children and means nothing to me. So we can chat for a couple minutes, and for me I think it helps the kids transition back and forth.

My ex told me he wants to be friends too. We broke up because of his cheating/lies/drinking/coming home late/disrespectful behavior about a year ago. We are now divorced as of Tuesday. He would like me to just forgive him and be friends. He wants to be able to call me just to talk and have his back. I don't know if I can do that. I'm still hurting. I dunno...I guess it would be nice if I could get to the point of being able to have lunch with him without having the urge to punch him in the stomach lol. But right now I'm just not ready for that. If you are still in pain, being friends will be difficult.

I extracted this from an article Panther shared - I found this very clear and helpful. - NO CONTACT SAVED ME and I am a much stronger person and I am enjoying life because I was able to stick to it. Before then, I was prolonging my recovery. I tried the friendship thing for first 10 months - what a mistake that was. 3 months of no contact and believe me I am way stronger. :) Poster - you are clearly saying you aren't at a point where you can forget and forgive - I my opinion the least of your concerns should be to help your EX understand anything - You are a great candidate for NO CONTACT unless you have kids. It's amazing how quickly a text can spiral out of control and send people back to a sad place.


1. NO contact with your ex. And by no contact, I mean zero, nada, zilch communication of any kind. No phone calls, text, email, tweeting, facebooking, or any other form of communication. Dont buy into the misunderstanding you are going to help each other through it. You are broken up for a reason. Its time to take time to get to know yourself again. Even if the split is amicable, its important you both go your own way and stop leaning on each other because that keeps you emotionally and energetically tied. You prolong your healing process and may be preventing learning the lessons you need to learn by continuing to have contact. Dont lie to yourself by trying to convince yourself you can immediately transition to being friends. If down the road you want to be friends, that may be possible but do not expect it now. Give yourself at least six months of no contact if the relationship was less than a year and at least a year of no contact if the relationship was longer than a year. Trust me, this is one of the most empowering action steps you can take. Resist the temptation to reach out to your ex when you are feeling sad. He or she is not the person to help you and you are not the person to help your ex during this time unless you want to hang out in codependency and delay your breakthrough! Let your ex GO. Release them and embrace YOU!!

Ugh! I don't see any benefit of being friends with your ex. All that is going to do is hinder your ability to move on. For me after my mom died we tried to be friendly and talk but it just drug me down further eventually.. I am embracing no contact right now and just after a few days I'm already feeling better. I explained this to my daughter who is 17 and she totally got it. She dumped me, so she doesn't get to be friends with me or talk to me anymore.. She lost that support system just like I did. Forget her. That's my advice.

There is nothing you can do to help her understand your pain. I said this in another discussion, but the cheaters who are more likely to cheat again are the ones who have no guilt or remorse. From the little you said, I can tell she will be a repeat offender. She is in a relationship but reaching out to her ex....hmmmm. Don't be naive. Nowadays I no longer believe in opposite sex friendships. Looking at all my guy friends in the past, they always wanted something more. tsk tsk

If she truly cannot understand what she has done wrong then not only she shouldn't be your partner, but she shouldn't be your friend either.
She is either very unconscious or she is surrounded by ppl (family or close circle of friends) who think cheating and lying is normal and/or they do these sort of things themselves to eachother frequently or easily.
Even though its not right, if person see it, hear it frequently from ppl who she hang around with on daily basis, the person start to think that its "normal" (nothing wrong with it) behaviour. You cannot underestimate the "influeneces" a family or friends can have on a person (like type of environment person grow up in or environment they closely interacted with or stayed for long period of time etc..)
Regardless of how she become such a person, it sounds like she is very different to you and she is living in a very different world, so you guys are not right for eachother (as a partner or as friends).

But then, it could also be that she doesn't understand (cannot comprehend) unless she herself go through the same "experience/event' herself.
I do think that a person who is unconscious will not only easily hurt other innocent ppl but also they are not doing themselves a favour in long run. its lose-lose situation they are creating. no one wins.

Don't interact with her, but if you want to give her some advice (she might listen or she might just brush it off like nothing ) about her previous behaviour you should tell her to try to get into your shoes... what would she feel if person whom she truly care for lies and cheat behind her back while she is all kind and caring ?

Can't guarantee this will get through to her.....some ppl cannot learn from someone else's experience/mistakes/advice ... but they need to physically go through themselves to learn it. Maybe she needs to go through the similar situation like you were in before to truly understand... who knows

Thank you for all of your replies. :) I guess I just needed to hear it from other knowledgable people on the outside of the situation to help me know what I should do. It never hurts to have a 2nd opinion (or many second opinions lol). Thanks again everyone! :)

Heart, I dont think our ex's can ever understand our pain. It's just not in them.