Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
well, i dont know how to condense this part of my pain in discussing my step daughter. so it will be all over the place. ive tried to stay in touch with her. i went to go see her probably 2 weeks before the divorce- she lives about 7 hours away. we spent 4 full days together and had a great time. that was right going into august so it was 2.5 months ago? she is 11. ive known her since she was 5, turning 6.
her mom went to another continent to be with another man, and doesnt have any contact with her since last christmas? and hasnt seen her in geez- maybe 2.5 to 3 years. her dad (my exhusband) doesnt take care of her full time, or part time for that matter. he pays child support and now that i signed my car to him in the divorce he can drive more to see her now when he is in the area but if he does or not i have no clue. he isnt a full time dad- his sister has rights to her.
this is irritating to me (the sister) because if i were his sister i would insist that after everything she has been thru with her mom that he get out of the truck and get a full time job on dry land so she can at least have one full time parent after feeling so abandoned by her mom. they dont do that. well, they do (the mom, her grandmother does) but he (my exhusband) just says to do whatever they want with her - hes not getting out of the truck and if shes a problem just put her in foster care. he has told her on more than one occasion (the daughter) that he never wanted her, never had a choice in the matter and does not want to be a full time dad.
with that behind the scenes look, when i went up to visit her i talked to her with her grandmother and aunt and said i didnt want to step on anyones toes - that since son and i were divorcing it was a unique situation and i wanted to do whats best for her since shes already been thru so much. grandmother said "whatever she wants, if thats what makes her happy, then thats what you can do. your stbx has about as much say in her (daughters) life as you do since hes not here full time. so dont you worry about him". so she and i had been staying in touch by sending cards, pictures, text messages, etc.
its stopped. just like that. and when i checked in after this past holiday after not hearing anything from her (her favorite holiday- she ALWAYS sends me pictures plus i sent a pic of the dog in a costume and she ALWAYS loves that) i have barely heard anything back. i think its over. and im not going to contact her a third time because i dont want to lay her on a guilt trip. shes been thru enough and i have no idea whats going on with her up there, but she has decided she doesnt want to talk to me anymore. maybe its because dad is seeing her more (highly unlikely), maybe its because her dad is on dating websites and is bringing people around to meet her. i dont know. regardless, she isnt my kid and i have very little say. im thankful i got almost 2 extra months in that she chose that she wanted.
the thing is, i found this note in my school book - apparently i was using it as a marker, but i dropped the class and hadnt looked in it in awhile. little ms. sweetness had written me a note and put it by my bed when i came up to see her. beside it, there was one of her stuffed animals. the note said that this was the stuffed animal i could sleep with, gave me its name, and then it said love, your daughter.
ok. well. thats about it for me this morning. i miss her and i think she deserves a better parent than her dad but maybe he is trying more (he did earlier in the year for the sake of a family friend he had started talking to, but then it stopped again - he was doing it for show). and even if hes not, she has spoken and i understand. her family is where it is. i wasnt the best step parent when she was here with us, but she has forgiven me, and i have forgiven her. and i got 2 extra months in more than i thought i would.
but im hurting. and i miss her. she considered me her mom. what a delighful honor to be called this beautiful childs mom. but thats over now. and i am sad, so thats it.
her mom went to another continent to be with another man, and doesnt have any contact with her since last christmas? and hasnt seen her in geez- maybe 2.5 to 3 years. her dad (my exhusband) doesnt take care of her full time, or part time for that matter. he pays child support and now that i signed my car to him in the divorce he can drive more to see her now when he is in the area but if he does or not i have no clue. he isnt a full time dad- his sister has rights to her.
this is irritating to me (the sister) because if i were his sister i would insist that after everything she has been thru with her mom that he get out of the truck and get a full time job on dry land so she can at least have one full time parent after feeling so abandoned by her mom. they dont do that. well, they do (the mom, her grandmother does) but he (my exhusband) just says to do whatever they want with her - hes not getting out of the truck and if shes a problem just put her in foster care. he has told her on more than one occasion (the daughter) that he never wanted her, never had a choice in the matter and does not want to be a full time dad.
with that behind the scenes look, when i went up to visit her i talked to her with her grandmother and aunt and said i didnt want to step on anyones toes - that since son and i were divorcing it was a unique situation and i wanted to do whats best for her since shes already been thru so much. grandmother said "whatever she wants, if thats what makes her happy, then thats what you can do. your stbx has about as much say in her (daughters) life as you do since hes not here full time. so dont you worry about him". so she and i had been staying in touch by sending cards, pictures, text messages, etc.
its stopped. just like that. and when i checked in after this past holiday after not hearing anything from her (her favorite holiday- she ALWAYS sends me pictures plus i sent a pic of the dog in a costume and she ALWAYS loves that) i have barely heard anything back. i think its over. and im not going to contact her a third time because i dont want to lay her on a guilt trip. shes been thru enough and i have no idea whats going on with her up there, but she has decided she doesnt want to talk to me anymore. maybe its because dad is seeing her more (highly unlikely), maybe its because her dad is on dating websites and is bringing people around to meet her. i dont know. regardless, she isnt my kid and i have very little say. im thankful i got almost 2 extra months in that she chose that she wanted.
the thing is, i found this note in my school book - apparently i was using it as a marker, but i dropped the class and hadnt looked in it in awhile. little ms. sweetness had written me a note and put it by my bed when i came up to see her. beside it, there was one of her stuffed animals. the note said that this was the stuffed animal i could sleep with, gave me its name, and then it said love, your daughter.
ok. well. thats about it for me this morning. i miss her and i think she deserves a better parent than her dad but maybe he is trying more (he did earlier in the year for the sake of a family friend he had started talking to, but then it stopped again - he was doing it for show). and even if hes not, she has spoken and i understand. her family is where it is. i wasnt the best step parent when she was here with us, but she has forgiven me, and i have forgiven her. and i got 2 extra months in more than i thought i would.
but im hurting. and i miss her. she considered me her mom. what a delighful honor to be called this beautiful childs mom. but thats over now. and i am sad, so thats it.
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
I will suggest something to you though. This distance you're feeling from her may not have anything to do with you, and everything to do with her entering the tween and teen years. My step-daughter walked away from her dad and me for about three years, from age 14 to 17. Her dad was furious and threatened all kinds of "discipline" (not paying for college, no presents at holidays/birthdays, etc.). Having taught teens for a long time, I knew this was a temporary thing and kept encouraging him to keep the lines of communication open.
I offer you that same advice.
She may be starting to get more involved with friends and at that age, friends mean EVERYTHING. Unfortunately, grown ups often take a back seat to the friends for a while. I would encourage you to keep sending cards and letters, let her know you still care about her. Yes, it hurts, but keeping those lines of communication open paid dividends for me later on. I hope it will for you too.
Keep in contact, keep it light, just let her know you're out there. Hopefully, when she has gained a little maturity, she will reach out to you again.
Sending loads of hugs. I know how painful this is for you.
You know more about it, so I will defer to your viewpoint.
I am in a similar situation, except that I came into my SD's life at age 4 and was there till this year. My STBX has cut off all contact that she could.
I had visitation with my SD at first, but my STBX took that away. My SD is 13, going to be 14 in a few months.
She is collateral damage in all this.
I am so sorry.
i know what my instinct tells me to do, but that might not be whats best for her after everything shes been thru. i want to do right by her. it just hurts.
I agree with the rest, keep communicating. Keep it light. Maybe talk to grandma and see what she thinks. Keep up the fight.