Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
so its been 8 months into the break up and i finally started to let go of the pain and hurt i had caused, i finally started to not worry about him. He emailed me, out of no where. Finally when i had decided to let go, i almost feel as if he knows when im letting go. Anyways he wrote that he felt he mattered, he felt that he wished an attempt at a conversation would matter. he wished things had turned out differently, and then he wished me the best. idk what to think, he had already told me all this months ago, did he really just reach out to tell me im a terrible person? ive done everything humanely possible to try and be better, at first it was to show him i could be better, but after it became for me. his email left me confused and back to square one. ive apologized endlessly, ive accepted my mistakes and ive attempted countless conversations, but he chooses to believe im the same person. i just dont get why youd reach out,if its just to remind me of what i once did.
Take care,
W
Then one year later called me evil as his daughter was going off to premed despite me. Nothing of the 15 years I lost caring for her while all attentions were on his exes! A secret part of me wishes the clock would turn back so I could have the family I do believed in, but reality is reality! Moving forward is tough, I live it every day and wonder how it is possible at age 58. But I know going back will not help me so I have no choice. I got a good job and got a dog. After 3 years was finally able to let go of a few things! Reminders! And the phone call to me was an untruthful aggravation! One moment at a time forward bound!
this is not about you. This is not about you at all. he's talking about himself and you've managed to turn that around into something about you.
Yes, he does matter. He's alive. He had a heart and a soul. He was there and you made him feel invisible like you're doing now.
@bridgie101, i dont think im missing the point, i have never made this about me, what i was referring to was why write to me if it was just to ignore me after me attempting a conversation. I was prideful, i was selfish but i accept my wrongs, i have never once ran from the person i was. I knew i had hurt him, my attempts at a conversation with him were to get him to release some of that pain, that i would give him the full attention his words deserved. But if he chooses to believe im that same person, no matter how much i try, no matter how much i truly have changed. if he chooses to believe im the same person than he will. Its easier to believe that people remain the same than to believe that people can change. i have never once diminished his feelings or his words, i have given him the reassurance to know that his words mean the world to me. i have never once made excuses for my actions, if anything ive belittled myself for him time after time,gone through great lengths to just get him to have a conversation. ive emotionally drained and lost myself in the process of doing everything for him, but neither do i feel that its healthy for either one of us to dwell, Im not great at communicating but through therapy i believe ive come a long way the way i approach things are head on, to address what was and move forward,living in the past only brings more heartache. my attempts have always always been to bring him clarity of what once was and to allow him to move on with his life even if it is without me. i know what its like to hold things in, i know what it can do to a person, i dont want that for him, my attempts have been to genuinely help him move forward with his life and put his experience with me behind him.
I'm sure you've come a long way with the counselling but what I'm seeing is a very fundamental flaw in perception: you don't see him as alive in his own right with his own thoughts, desires and needs that might differ from what you want for him. You're not saying 'why is he doing this' and look around for reasons from his point of view. you are saying 'why is he doing this to me' and talking about your own point of view.
Which is the same mindset as running yourself ragged for him. It's a patriarchal point of view. A parental, controlling, 'i know what's best for you' one. The next step is of course to require gratitude and obedience. You are in mother mode with this guy, and that's the dynamic problem. He can never be your equal, because you define him and relate to him as your inferior.
Do you understand? For you to assume that he is reaching out to you to make you feel bad is making this all about you. It's not about you. It's about him, and his feelings, and his needs. If you don't know why he's doing something, do him the honour of asking. And keep your mouth shut, and let him answer. Don't fill the silences with your anxiety and insecurities. They are about you. He probably doesn't have any interest in them other than to wish that you were not so insecure.