Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My husband and I have been having problems for a couple years. Last night, he admitted that he has had a lawyer on retainer for months now, but he hasn't done anything to file.
He told me that it was "like insurance" because he had expected that I would serve him. (That is believable enough given the situation.) But he could not understand why I would be upset that he involved a lawyer or why I feel like it was a move toward divorce. In his opinion, it doesn't mean anything.
However, his tune changed when I said I would need to get a lawyer to protect myself. According to him, I shouldn't get a lawyer just based on the fact that he has one. And if I get a lawyer, then it seems like divorce is inevitable. He is often full of BS, but he seemed truly sad when he said it.
My husband says he wants to stay married and he still loves me, but his choice to involve a lawyer seems incongruent with his words.
I think it would be foolish to not protect myself by getting a lawyer now, but I do think it will tend to escalate toward divorce. And I don't know if divorce is the result I want in the end.
He told me that it was "like insurance" because he had expected that I would serve him. (That is believable enough given the situation.) But he could not understand why I would be upset that he involved a lawyer or why I feel like it was a move toward divorce. In his opinion, it doesn't mean anything.
However, his tune changed when I said I would need to get a lawyer to protect myself. According to him, I shouldn't get a lawyer just based on the fact that he has one. And if I get a lawyer, then it seems like divorce is inevitable. He is often full of BS, but he seemed truly sad when he said it.
My husband says he wants to stay married and he still loves me, but his choice to involve a lawyer seems incongruent with his words.
I think it would be foolish to not protect myself by getting a lawyer now, but I do think it will tend to escalate toward divorce. And I don't know if divorce is the result I want in the end.
I talked him into going to therapy by himself, but he quit after too sessions because "the therapist was worthless." I have been seeing a counselor by myself. I think my counselor thinks I should leave, although counselors generally won't come out and say that.
How do you know he's not lying to you about the atty. You don't just put an atty. on retainer just in case. He just hasn't made up his mind yet. Perhaps he doesn't quite have his ducks in a row.
You have a decision to make. Start looking at your finances. That may tell you something.
He is already lying to himself and you and the counselors, and quite possibly lying to his lawyer too.... you need to protect yourself
It doesn't sound like he's unhappy with the way things are. So the ball's in your court. If you're happy living the way you are...you can stay married. If not, then you'll have to get a divorce.
Counseling takes more than 2 sessions. Can you blame him if he didn't click with the first one? Lots of people see two or three before they find one that fits. Maybe he's not expressing that in the best way, but if you're both willing to keep trying, it's only fair to find a counselor you're both comfortable with.
Not making excuses for him, just another perspective.
What more do you need? He lied in couples counseling, quit individual counseling after two sessions, and how now told you he has retained an attorney.
Honey, you need to start looking at this objectively. Get an attorney. Don't tell him you're doing this. Start copying documents and keeping them in a safe place (not at home).
Perhaps he is only thinking of getting an attorney, but either way, this doesn't look good for you.
Protect yourself.
Hugs!
Lynne
I think you do see through the manipulation or half hearted efforts to maintain the status quo -- which is not a committed or mutual relationship. There appears to be much "guilt" flinging from your husband and you realize this. The advice to take a look (and my suggestion is to do this quietly) at finances is sound to see if there is any other less than mutual activity. If someone is less than half-hearted in their desire to maintain the emotional aspects of a marriage, the financial aspects may also be less than half hearted or mutual. If it hasn't occured up to now it may. This isn't being sneaky (and don't believe it if you hear it) it's being informed.
You are a strong and caring woman. Hang in there.
Seeing a lawyer without you is a huge RED flag, Lily. And to have that atty on retainer is even more of reason to protect yourself. I was raised with a Lawyer as a father, the atty will press for the divorce as that is how they make their money. and in America, divorce rate is now 50% or more.
I am sorry again that you have to deal with this, but if he is not "protecting" his family - then what is his motive?
Men have 3 areas in a marriage: Profess (their love), Protect (their families) and Provide (for their families) - the 3 "P"s - so ask yourself how is he handling these areas?
That will answer your question.
I will pray for you today.
Take-Care