Sometimes the worst part is when the idea of what your life should be doesnt happen. Its raw right now and it will take time to get over him but you will and you will move on. Like you said this isnt your first rodeo so you know this. Everyone deserves love and to be with someone that appreciates who they are. I know its hard to understand right now but this breakup is not your soul responsibility. A relationship takes two people and sometimes those two people just arent meant to be together. Im sorry your going through a hard time and I know you know it will get better....just hard to deal with right now. Peace to you.

Hi Eevee - hugs to you, hope you'll feel better soon. And thank you for your post, I feel like you are telling my life story - we were together 3+ years it felt like we were meant to be (except of course the times we fought) - he was the first bf I brought home to meet my folks and they liked him enough! But in the end the drama and the fights got the better of us. Back to you now - your still young don't beat yourself up over past relationships it takes two to make or break it. The plus side is you have the experiences behind you to guide you on your next relationship - but I suppose try not to place too much pressure on finding the one - as they say things always turn up when least expected - this applies to love as well! Good luck and oh, maybe take a couple days off work if you can? Even a short break can do wonders
Take care

I thought that coming to work today would make me feel better. Not sure if I'd be better or worse at home, but I know I've gone through a lot of tissues here.

He tried to chat me earlier. I guess he wants to resolve final details. Wish I could turn off feelings that fast! He's moving on and I'm a blubbering mess. Not cool. Really not cool.

I'm at that age were it's more than just losing another best friend, another decent man. It's coming to grips with the reality that I'm never going to be a mom. My dreams of a family faded when he walked out. Maybe next life.

Hi Eevee I know your heartbreak hurts, but don't give up on your desire to be a mom and have a family. Dont give up on your dreams bc that'll mean that you're not moving your life forward to better things and new experiences. Give yourself time to grieve the relationship. Your feelings are normal. I know it's hard to be optimistic right now and hopeful but you'll bounce back. I encourage you to seek counseling at this time as well. Peace & Blessings

It's a tough situation you're in. I can't claim to know anything about what it feels like to want to have kids and be nearing an age when it's less likely (or more risky) to happen.

I suppose there are other ways to "have" kids that might work out: getting together with a guy who has kids, adopting, etc. Maybe it's not quite the same. But if you are a very nurturing person you can find outlets for those feelings. Volunteering for a child-related charity (Big Brother/Sister?) might be another option. Or teaching/tutoring.

Anyway, I'm sorry you are hurting. You mention having been in several 3-4 year relationships. Is there any commonality or anything you can learn from those experiences? Could it be that you "settle" on a guy who might only be partially compatible when you should wait, and hold out, until you find a guy who is more compatible? I'm just throwing random thoughts out there. I know that the biological clock may have encouraged settling this last time. So difficult to figure out.

My situation is different than yours (together 19 years, one child, divorced last year [update: I'm a guy so that's different too!]) so my perspective is pretty different also. During/after my divorce, there was a tendency to look around me at all the "paired-up" couples and be so jealous. But I forced myself to try to look (and think) a little deeper. And, you know what? So many of those couples are struggling. Some are truly unhappy. Some are just coasting along and barely acting like a couple anymore. It's common, rampant, all over the place. So I really tried to convince myself that being single at least presented future possibilities for strong, fulfilling relationships. And those paired-up people around me, for the most part, really weren't as happy as one might think.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Don't put much weight into thoughts like this "He's moving on and I'm a blubbering mess". Eh, whatever. Maybe, but more likely not. People are hurting and playing emotional mind games. Chances are he's hurting but wants you to think he's fine and moving on. If the relationship is over, then IT DOESN'T MATTER. And that's an important thing to say to yourself: IT DOESN'T MATTER. Shit, I've been doing that now for 15 months. And it gets easier and better all the time. It's really true.

Alright, enough rambling. Take care.

Thanks, @SteppingOverTheEdge. A lot of what you said really resonated. And, of course it's a new day, with new insight, and a baby step closer to healing.

The hardest thing is telling myself it doesn't matter cause I care so deeply, still. But, this is a mantra I will definitely adopt. (Truth is, I'll probably be awesome at it since over the past year and a half I have trained myself to be numb to so much. I know, not healthy. But if I'm being honest here, there's the truth.)

You're right in assuming I settle often. I find small pieces of people that I love and I highlight those elements while ignoring the bigger picture and my own needs. It's a cycle I need to break. (Yet, I really thought this last guy was the perfect fit for me—even his flaws seemed to mesh well.) And, I'm ready to take all the time needed to focus on me. I'm OK being alone for however long it takes to re-find myself. Which is what I meant yesterday when I said I needed to accept the reality of not having a family of my own. It's not in the cards for this life, and although I dislike it, I accept it.

I haven't been leaking all morning (crying), and I'm actually finding myself being somewhat productive. This is a small milestone I feel the need to celebrate. (I was pretty useless yesterday to our team.) Went for a run last night, came home and made my way through those nightly chores, and really tried to be kind to myself. This morning was still rough. I found myself laying there waiting for him to kiss me good morning. When the reality hit me that was no longer going to be part of my days, it was a brutal blow. But I faced it and here I am now. It really is about putting one foot in front of the other … baby steps.

I'm a little scattered still. Hopefully some of this made sense.

Thanks for all the love and hugs readers. This site is really helping with my anxiety over life changes.

Eevee, you wrote: "The hardest thing is telling myself it doesn't matter cause I care so deeply, still." This is a testament to your character. It's also a hurdle that you will have to get past. I don't know what will work best for you - it seems that different people approach it in very different ways. And perhaps gender is a factor. Also, the reasons for the ending of the relationship matter.

In my case I was cheated on (probably with multiple partners), yet didn't know it near the end. I was trying to go through marriage counseling, work on myself and the marriage, etc. My ex was checked out. It was painful, but it was worth it for me to go through and try. Then she said she wanted a divorce. And a couple weeks later I found out some details about at least one of the affair partners. And to be honest, that made it easier for me. Because I had already faced the reality of the divorce, already put myself through the wringer for any mistake I had ever made, taken on blame.. And of course while going through marriage counseling I had deliberately ignored some of the red flags in her behavior. BUT.... when I found out for sure that she had been cheating, it put a lot of things into perspective. And it helped me take another step away from her, emotionally.

Now this may not be healthy, but getting angry at her and realizing how she threw away our marriage without a fight has helped me to move on. I think about some of the things she did and said during the time period when she was cheating on me, and my thoughts are too vulgar to type. And it has helped shore up my resolve and push me forward, and away from someone who didn't deserve me. I don't know if you have any experience like that to draw from. You still care deeply, but if he did unforgiveable things, then perhaps focusing on those things will help you to care less. Again, this sounds harsh, but it's the kind of mental gymnastics you may need to do to cope and move on.

Settling: Well, it sounds like the last time you really tried not to settle. You found someone who really seemed more compatible. And it didn't work out. So maybe you did nothing wrong at all, and it just didn't work out. That sucks, but it happens all too often.

The mantra: IT DOESN'T MATTER!! It really does help! It's a way to get yourself out of a detrimental mindset, where your thoughts are churning about something - for example, if he's seeing someone - IT DOESN'T MATTER! If he's hurting like you are - IT DOESN'T MATTER! And so on. In the long run, it doesn't matter TO YOU now that things are over. So I used that to try to short-circuit my destructive thoughts. Maybe it will help you. Time and introspection certainly will also. Best wishes to you!

Funny that you should say getting mad helps, because today I am a little mad. Today, I'm a mixed bag of emotions, and certainly anger is part of it. I keep thinking about the control struggle we had, how he would talk to me sometimes, and the effort I exerted compared to his contributions. I'm not sure if I'm angry at him or myself for allowing that sort of treatment for as long as I did, but I know anger is part of today's emotional cocktail.

I find myself making excuses for how he is/was. I find myself pardoning certain mannerisms and situations. Day three into the relationship detox/reflection and I'm slowly waking up to these unhealthy behaviors in myself. I shouldn't have to make excuses for someone else not treating me how I would like for an extended period of time, right? I mean fights happen and things are said that shouldn't be as well as boundaries crossed that shouldn't be crossed. And, sometimes we enter "funks" where we're disengaged with our partners. However, in my awakening mind, I don't think these funks should span years. I dunno. Maybe they can span years and I just don't have it what it takes to hang in there?

I'm trying to sort out what's healthy for me and what's unhealthy. I have a feeling this is going to be a long journey. I'm not even sure I can define what a healthy relationship is! I was reading some about women abuse yesterday (ironically for work) and some of what they classify as controlling and manipulative behavior, I clearly accept as the compromising process. I have a lot of sorting to do …

This is my brain dump for this afternoon. Thanks for engaging with me as I enter this process.

Anger was helpful for me, and I found that I would rather be angry than sad. I have a heavy punching bag and it got a lot of use last year! However, there were some times when I did deliberately let myself feel sad, cry, and try to experience the pain without pushing it away. They were somewhat helpful.

No, you shouldn't have to make excuses for your partner, and you shouldn't accept being treated poorly for any significant span of time.

I understand your term "funk" perfectly, because I think I was (and perhaps still am a little) in one for a pretty decent period of time. But I think my partner was contributing to it, not trying to engage with me. I had a couple of factors leaving me mildly depressed, perhaps - and she was one of them. But no, you shouldn't be disengaged from your partner for a year or more. I would say after a few weeks it's potentially a real problem and should be addressed. Communication. Talking about the difficult things. Something I was bad at, and my ex was terrible at.

You might benefit from therapy to help you better define what is and isn't healthy in a relationship. Or at least a book or two. I'm sure you'll get some recommendations if you ask here on DS.

Take care.

Allow your self to grieve love. Let yourself cry. Shout in pain. Shout in anger but for me the most helpful way to get through my pain is to let go and let God. Hope this link helps. https://youtu.be/GIyeFx0opT4