Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello everybody.First time here,so bear with me..The story is long and will probably contains some gramatical errors(I'm not a native English speaker),so I apologize in advance .I need some advice from someone who can judge without bias and without fellings involved for neighter of us..
Like the title says,we've been in this realtionship for 11 years,living together for almost 7.I'm 28,he's 34.We meet when I was in high school,I was head over heels for him,big,big love..After 1 year and a half(this period was perfect,but hey,probably always is)I left for college at about 150 km from home.We still saw each other almost every weekend.But here is where our problems started.He was extremly jealous,we talked on the phone 10+ times a day,he would accuse me of being unfaithful,of lying to him,he would say I "sound funny",he would ask me why I haven't answered the phone.And some thing that are so out of the ordinary that I can't belive I put up with them for so long-like he would ask me why I waxed,like I only need to do that for him or for another man.We had endless fights,we "broke up" more times than I can count only to get back together in the weeeend,he would call me every imaginble name in the book...Looking back now,I should have run for the hills back then..Anyway,I kept making excuses for him,I kept forgiving him,I still loved him with all my being and couldn't imagine my life without him(still can't) At this point I would like to make something clear-he never hit me or physically abused me in any way and among all the bad there was a lot of good.And he always showed concern for my well being..
This went on for another 2 years and one day after another fight I said-that's it,no more..I always felt wronged,I always felt horrible because he would constantly accuse me of cheating and I really was faithful.I even refused to get out with friends,to have fun,beacuse inevitably I would have to explain with whom I went out and what I said,and what they said,and where we went,you get the picture..So.......I cheated. In some way I did it on purpose so we can end it beacuse I knew that this is the one thing he would never forgive.He even said this to me when we first met.It was an one time thing,no strings attached,no relationship,just plain old sex(not even good..).I know....I suck,I'm a bad person,but I was at my wits end at the time..I felt horrible,horrible afterwards.Guilt ridden,I couldn't sleep,couldn't focus on anything so I did what every "decent" person does when he knows he's in trouble....I confesed,begging for forgivness..Those were dark times,he was unbeliveably hurt as you can immagine,again called me names(which I now deserved),said:you see,I knew it all along that you will cheat that is why I acted that way.I kinda feel he pushed me toward it,not making execuses,but if things were good I would have nevere done it..And I tried breaking up,but we would always end up together again.
So we broke up.I was now a whore who broke his heart,couldn't believe what I've done,he would never,ever forgive me,etc..But the thing is,we weren't really broken up.Because he would still call me,there where days when he even acted like everything is ok,I would call him begging for forgiveness.He even came to see me a few time and we eneded up having sex.I asked him if he was seeing somebody else-he said no.At this time,I was in a really bad shape,I missed him,I wanted him back,I romanticized our whole relationship,I saw only my faults..After about 4 months I found out he was seeing somebody else for the last 3 months..He was seeing her,having sex with her,he even went on a trip with her and a couple of our friends-all the while telling me that he's not with anyone,coming to see me and having sex with me...OK,maybe I deserved that,although betwen a one night stand that nobody knows about and a relationship out in the open,I prefer the first...So I confronted him.It was a really emotional conversation,with both of us crying with me saying "how could you" with him saying the same thing,me wanting another chance,him telling me that he loves me and that he's sorry he lied to me...You get the picture..And you guesed what happend next-we got back together.He decided he can give me a second chance.I was estatic,I was finally able to breathe.I had this weird felling in my stomach ever since I cheated on him-like a gaping hole,and a felling of dread and doom and it was finally over..
We were now back together and in our 4th year.The fighting continued but you can imagine that now he had ammo.Anyway,we survived the 6 month I had left till I graduated.I came back home(I never imagined I would do that,I always said I would remain there,it being a much bigger town with lots of opportunities),we moved in together,we were happy.Things were good,the fighting stoped-I was now with him 24/7,but I still made sacrifices and compromises so we can be good,but I guess he did too..Overall,the relationship was good.I love him,I couldn't imagine being without him,so we went ahead.
I felt something was not quite good,but ignored it.We never discused marriage and kids,he always had a violent reaction to being asked about it and I dreaded "the talk".So I postponed,and postponed and then postponed some more..I wanted to be asked,to be a surprise,to remember the day I said YES.But the thing is I started to dream about it,to want it and then about 1 year ago I started to want a baby..I always would set a walk-date only to pass it and then set another.And this is how we entered our 10th year together...
Finally,at the begging of nov I BLURTED the whole thing out..No "we need to talk",no preparation,nothing.Just me saying:I want a baby and I want to get married.If you can't give me this things,then I can't go on.He was shocked at first,but I think he saw it coming..After a few days of silence and angry looks,we finally had a big talk..I cried,he cried and then we cried together,but the conclusion was that he "just can't".He loves me,he can't imagine his life without me,he will regret me the minute we break up,he will never find anyone like me,but "I can't"..Because I cheated on him 7 years ago!!!!!!!!Once!
He says it's not that he's afraid that I will do it again,or that he dosen't recognize that it was a mistake,but he just can't.That's the way he's build,he tried to fight it,he's been thinking intensly about it for over 3 years,he wants to get over it,but he just can't..At some point I was thinking that if I hear the words "can"t" once more I will strangle him(I'm doing to you now,sorry).And then the final blow--I told you at the begining that I can't get past cheating,you should have known..Whaaaaaaat?????You did get over it!!!7 years ago..
So basicaly I wasted the last 7 years.I'm 28,childless,I don't have a carrer,I kinda work with him,so when we break up that job goes too,I have few friends because I was more intrested with having a good relationship than a social life,I have a few other good friends,but they're from his side,so he will "get" them too..I live in a small town,it's impossible to stay here after the break.I don't really want to,I only stayed here because of him..I adore his mother and sister,we have a great bond,so I'll be grieving them too..So when we finally break up,I will have to move to a new country(where my parents live,they moved about 7 years ago),leave the few friends I have,leave the house that was my home for the last 16 years,be without the man whom I thought I would spend the rest of my life with,start over from scratch..I'm terrifed!!Of everything!!!
In nov after we had the talk I decided that that's it.We're over.But then he begged me to spend the holidays with him,saying that it's no point in us being apart and sad,then it was my b-day so I didn't say anything,and so and so..But now I have to act.To do something..He's behaving like nothing's wrong..I can't stand it anymore.But I don't have the power to walk away..Or more like to demand that he leaves-we're living in my apartment.
There are days when I thnik to myself that I don't want kids,or to be a bride,I just want him..But I do.I so do want all of those things.And I feel like I deserve them too,I am a good person,I made a bad choice,a horrible mistake,I've grown,I've learned my lessson,I've payed for it..And I'm at that age when the clock is ticking and I'm afraid I won't be able to have kids later..I keep imagining all kinds of scenarios,I now it's no good,but I can't help myself..
I fell him so mine,like he's a part of me,it's like ripping my arm out to walk away.And the thought of him with someone else,of marying someone else,of another woman having his child......I honestly don't know how other people manage it..I love him,he says he loves me but just can't..I know that if his love was really love,it wouldn't matter anything,and I know that I should want a man that loves me without reservations....But I feel that my whole world is crumbling down and I can't move.I can't act.I don't know what to do..
Told you it was going to be long.And I abridged it..Thank you for having the patience to read all this and thank you for any advice
Like the title says,we've been in this realtionship for 11 years,living together for almost 7.I'm 28,he's 34.We meet when I was in high school,I was head over heels for him,big,big love..After 1 year and a half(this period was perfect,but hey,probably always is)I left for college at about 150 km from home.We still saw each other almost every weekend.But here is where our problems started.He was extremly jealous,we talked on the phone 10+ times a day,he would accuse me of being unfaithful,of lying to him,he would say I "sound funny",he would ask me why I haven't answered the phone.And some thing that are so out of the ordinary that I can't belive I put up with them for so long-like he would ask me why I waxed,like I only need to do that for him or for another man.We had endless fights,we "broke up" more times than I can count only to get back together in the weeeend,he would call me every imaginble name in the book...Looking back now,I should have run for the hills back then..Anyway,I kept making excuses for him,I kept forgiving him,I still loved him with all my being and couldn't imagine my life without him(still can't) At this point I would like to make something clear-he never hit me or physically abused me in any way and among all the bad there was a lot of good.And he always showed concern for my well being..
This went on for another 2 years and one day after another fight I said-that's it,no more..I always felt wronged,I always felt horrible because he would constantly accuse me of cheating and I really was faithful.I even refused to get out with friends,to have fun,beacuse inevitably I would have to explain with whom I went out and what I said,and what they said,and where we went,you get the picture..So.......I cheated. In some way I did it on purpose so we can end it beacuse I knew that this is the one thing he would never forgive.He even said this to me when we first met.It was an one time thing,no strings attached,no relationship,just plain old sex(not even good..).I know....I suck,I'm a bad person,but I was at my wits end at the time..I felt horrible,horrible afterwards.Guilt ridden,I couldn't sleep,couldn't focus on anything so I did what every "decent" person does when he knows he's in trouble....I confesed,begging for forgivness..Those were dark times,he was unbeliveably hurt as you can immagine,again called me names(which I now deserved),said:you see,I knew it all along that you will cheat that is why I acted that way.I kinda feel he pushed me toward it,not making execuses,but if things were good I would have nevere done it..And I tried breaking up,but we would always end up together again.
So we broke up.I was now a whore who broke his heart,couldn't believe what I've done,he would never,ever forgive me,etc..But the thing is,we weren't really broken up.Because he would still call me,there where days when he even acted like everything is ok,I would call him begging for forgiveness.He even came to see me a few time and we eneded up having sex.I asked him if he was seeing somebody else-he said no.At this time,I was in a really bad shape,I missed him,I wanted him back,I romanticized our whole relationship,I saw only my faults..After about 4 months I found out he was seeing somebody else for the last 3 months..He was seeing her,having sex with her,he even went on a trip with her and a couple of our friends-all the while telling me that he's not with anyone,coming to see me and having sex with me...OK,maybe I deserved that,although betwen a one night stand that nobody knows about and a relationship out in the open,I prefer the first...So I confronted him.It was a really emotional conversation,with both of us crying with me saying "how could you" with him saying the same thing,me wanting another chance,him telling me that he loves me and that he's sorry he lied to me...You get the picture..And you guesed what happend next-we got back together.He decided he can give me a second chance.I was estatic,I was finally able to breathe.I had this weird felling in my stomach ever since I cheated on him-like a gaping hole,and a felling of dread and doom and it was finally over..
We were now back together and in our 4th year.The fighting continued but you can imagine that now he had ammo.Anyway,we survived the 6 month I had left till I graduated.I came back home(I never imagined I would do that,I always said I would remain there,it being a much bigger town with lots of opportunities),we moved in together,we were happy.Things were good,the fighting stoped-I was now with him 24/7,but I still made sacrifices and compromises so we can be good,but I guess he did too..Overall,the relationship was good.I love him,I couldn't imagine being without him,so we went ahead.
I felt something was not quite good,but ignored it.We never discused marriage and kids,he always had a violent reaction to being asked about it and I dreaded "the talk".So I postponed,and postponed and then postponed some more..I wanted to be asked,to be a surprise,to remember the day I said YES.But the thing is I started to dream about it,to want it and then about 1 year ago I started to want a baby..I always would set a walk-date only to pass it and then set another.And this is how we entered our 10th year together...
Finally,at the begging of nov I BLURTED the whole thing out..No "we need to talk",no preparation,nothing.Just me saying:I want a baby and I want to get married.If you can't give me this things,then I can't go on.He was shocked at first,but I think he saw it coming..After a few days of silence and angry looks,we finally had a big talk..I cried,he cried and then we cried together,but the conclusion was that he "just can't".He loves me,he can't imagine his life without me,he will regret me the minute we break up,he will never find anyone like me,but "I can't"..Because I cheated on him 7 years ago!!!!!!!!Once!
He says it's not that he's afraid that I will do it again,or that he dosen't recognize that it was a mistake,but he just can't.That's the way he's build,he tried to fight it,he's been thinking intensly about it for over 3 years,he wants to get over it,but he just can't..At some point I was thinking that if I hear the words "can"t" once more I will strangle him(I'm doing to you now,sorry).And then the final blow--I told you at the begining that I can't get past cheating,you should have known..Whaaaaaaat?????You did get over it!!!7 years ago..
So basicaly I wasted the last 7 years.I'm 28,childless,I don't have a carrer,I kinda work with him,so when we break up that job goes too,I have few friends because I was more intrested with having a good relationship than a social life,I have a few other good friends,but they're from his side,so he will "get" them too..I live in a small town,it's impossible to stay here after the break.I don't really want to,I only stayed here because of him..I adore his mother and sister,we have a great bond,so I'll be grieving them too..So when we finally break up,I will have to move to a new country(where my parents live,they moved about 7 years ago),leave the few friends I have,leave the house that was my home for the last 16 years,be without the man whom I thought I would spend the rest of my life with,start over from scratch..I'm terrifed!!Of everything!!!
In nov after we had the talk I decided that that's it.We're over.But then he begged me to spend the holidays with him,saying that it's no point in us being apart and sad,then it was my b-day so I didn't say anything,and so and so..But now I have to act.To do something..He's behaving like nothing's wrong..I can't stand it anymore.But I don't have the power to walk away..Or more like to demand that he leaves-we're living in my apartment.
There are days when I thnik to myself that I don't want kids,or to be a bride,I just want him..But I do.I so do want all of those things.And I feel like I deserve them too,I am a good person,I made a bad choice,a horrible mistake,I've grown,I've learned my lessson,I've payed for it..And I'm at that age when the clock is ticking and I'm afraid I won't be able to have kids later..I keep imagining all kinds of scenarios,I now it's no good,but I can't help myself..
I fell him so mine,like he's a part of me,it's like ripping my arm out to walk away.And the thought of him with someone else,of marying someone else,of another woman having his child......I honestly don't know how other people manage it..I love him,he says he loves me but just can't..I know that if his love was really love,it wouldn't matter anything,and I know that I should want a man that loves me without reservations....But I feel that my whole world is crumbling down and I can't move.I can't act.I don't know what to do..
Told you it was going to be long.And I abridged it..Thank you for having the patience to read all this and thank you for any advice
First let me say thank you for being open and sharing your story. I know its not easy to tell people such personal things and even have to admit things you also did. I feel like sometimes when we love someone so much we learn to accept behaviors that otherwise we would see as very wrong. If your sister or best friend or someone you knew was dating someone who did this very same thing it would be a lot easier to recognize some of these thing. When our feelings are so involved we tend to look past or let go of things. I think from the very beginning he had trust issues and im not sure where they came from. Maybe something happened to him when he was younger or there is some insecurity within him for whatever reason but it isn't your fault or because of you.
Please don't continue to blame yourself for a mistake you made in your early 20s. A one time mistake. Im sure if you had the chance to redo this you wouldn't have done so. Nobody is perfect we have all done things that we can look back and learn from. The bigger deal is the fact that he did CHOOSE to forgive you. In my opinion if he wanted to still work on you relationship after the mistake you made he cant use this as a reason to not want anything else in the future. If he couldn't accept what happened then he had the option to walk away. He should have walked away when or if he realized he wasn't going to be able to forgive you. Wasting 7-8 more years of someone's life knowing the entire time you wont forgive them and gold it against them in the future is just as bad to me. Don't continue to beat yourself up for something that has already occurred and something you have learned from. If this relationship does not work I can assure you it probably wasn't due to your one time mistake.
If you want to save this relationship or figure out if there is any future at all you must figure out where his mistrust in relationships or insecurities come from. This is the actual root of the problem and not you. It doesn't seem as if he will tell you these things or discuss this topic with you. Couples therapy may be a way for a third party to ask those deeper questions in a way that may make him aware of his problems and provide the ability to start having this discussion. Maybe if the source of the problem can be discovered then he can change his way of thinking and behavior.
If it ends up that he wont change or he will stay this way then as hard as it is you may have to walk away. I am not in the same situation as you but I am also 27 years old almost 28. From the time I was really young I just knew that I wanted to always be a mother. I always felt I would go to college meet the man of my dreams and we would get married and by now I would have a child. Well I have graduated college several years ago and everything that followed was a nightmare. I wasted so much time on a man , putting up with his crap trying to fix something unfixable and potentially missed out on the opportunity to have the life I always wanted. My friends are all married with babies. Every time I feel this deep pain in walking away from this relationship I do tell myself "if you want children someday you made the right choice," This thought gives me some peace at night. Every time I see someone with a baby I get this warm feeling in my heart but it is always followed by this sadness. If you want this as badly as I do then you know this feeling. If you want children someday and you compromise on that for him I promise you that you will forever resent him for it. Ask yourself if you missed out on the ability to have children for this person would that be a bigger mistake? Only you can know what you can and cant live with or without.
I think you came to the right place for support everyone has a different story but everyone has also been in a situation where they were at a crossroad. Where they needed guidance or support to go in one direction or another. Keep posting and the advice you get sometimes may resonate with you and possibly help you in one direction or another ! =)
A big,big thank you for the time you took to write this lengthy reply.I really appreciate it.I totally agree with what you said about accepting some bad behaviors..My God,if somebody described to me,half of his bad behaviors I would have said:RUN,RUN and dont look back..But you ignore the bad things because of the good ones,and then time goes by and it gets harder to leave..I mean,all the time invested in a relationship,all the hard work,all the planning and the dreamsIts unbelievably hard to let all that go..
And the love..This felling that hes mine and I cant stand for him to be with somebody else.The fear that Im not gonna love anybody like this ever again,that Ill be alone for the rest of my lifeRationally I understand that this is not true..It would be really cruel for that to be it for me.But..
Sometimes I feel that the cheating part is just an execuse..I mean come on..I told him that I would walk to the end of the earth for him,for the man I love.I just cant understand how he can say that he loves me,but just cant.I think it would be better if he would say that Im not the one or that he dosent love me anymore,or dosent love me enough.I could understand that.
So I know I shouldnt want him,that I deserve better,that if he would really love me there wouldnt be an issue.I keep thinking what would happen if he would change his mind.If tomorrow he comes to me and sais:ok,lets get married..I dont think I would have the strength to say no,but deep down I know it wouldnt be good..Sometimes,love just isnt enough.
I didnt suggest couples therapy yet,thought about it,but Im almost sure he would reject it.A couple of years back I had some problems with anxiety and went to therapy for a while,he told me that he dosent belive in therapy and hes sure it wouldnt work on him.
What kills me is my ambivalence.Like,this hour I feel that Im strong,I can do this,I want more,Im ready for whatever follows and the next moment I feel I cant breathe and Im gonna die without him..Im scarred that I would not go through with the break-up and end up in the same situation only older..Because if I choose to stay,thats not a problem with him..But like this-no marriage,no kids..I asked him what would have happened If I would have not said anything.I dont know was his answer.But I do.Everything would have stayed the same,because hes a much bigger coward than I am..
The intense desire to have kids is what pushed me to speak up.If it wasnt for this,Im sure I would have kept postponing it and end up much worse than now.Today Im good,Im at peace,Im sure that this is the right thing.But tonight Ill see him again and I can feel my resolve crumbling..I told him Im determined and that he needs to leave-he asked me as a favor to let him stay until May that he dosent have where to go(not true),but I cant kick him out.So Im stuck until then,living my life exactly like before,but knowing all I do now.Its excruciating.
Im so,so sorry for everybody going through this.Its not fair.
Well,again with the novel..:)Sorry,I cant seem to keep it short
But it is hard,especially since hes acting like nothing is wrong and being loving and unusually affectionate.Sometimes I feel hope and I dont want to.I know hes acting like this because of his guilt.
So,for now,I decided to stop worrying about what will be,I cant control it.Im riding the wave..Today..Tomorrow I might be driving myself crazy obsessing about everything again.
24 years..My God,I cant imagine it.Im glad you are felling better,it must have been a really tough road.