Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Encouragement - Please.

Anonymous112211
Anonymous112211

Tomorrow is the first of what I have to assume will be many court dates. It is a big one, as it pertains to custody and parent time of my girls. I have tried my best to reconcile with the wife, but it seems as though we cant find common ground for anything on our own even though we can sit and talk. We don't seem to hate each other, still care for the other, but the love and willingness to work for our common ground is gone from her. 


I have had to spend part of my day today finalizing answers for her counter suite, which has me feeling off balance. I thought I had it taken care of back on July 1, only to find my Lawyer did not get it. So I have had to scramble to provide him what he needs and in doing so realized that I missed some questions. I feel so unprepared. God I only hope this guy has some talent with the mediator tomorrow.


I know I filed, I stand by my reasons. But I also held hope that it would be a catalyst of change for us. To both work hard to fix us. I still hold onto a sliver of that hope but it is fading. 


But I can't let go of my kids. I want and need them in my life. I need them more than every other weekend. I need them with me at least every other week. When I filed, I asked for everything to be split fairly. But she is going the nasty route, wants sole custody, wants me to pay everything. I can't get my head to stop the what if's.  


Please help me find some way to be positive. I am scared crapless of going into the "system" where historically woman are given everything. I can't bear to lose the right to be my kids dad. To make decisions that affect their lives, to be left out in the cold. I have been there for my kids for everything, and I mean everything. I don't know how not to be in their lives. It feels like I am being tortured. 


I feel like I can't breath right now...

Feeling_betrayed
Feeling_betrayed
I am so sorry that you are goino through this. Know that you ate not alone. I, too, know how scary the thought of changing family dynamics as a result of divorce. Are you seeing a therapist? I think you might benefit from the help of a professional because it seems that this divorce is inevitable (you mentioned that you filed) and so things have to be different. It may help you cope better with how things have to be. You didn't mention the age of your kiddos. They might also benefit from therapy. Hopefully, your wife will be more fair in the future (her actions may be coming from a place of hurt). I don't know that any court system will grant sole custody to one parent if there is another willing and able parent in the picture. Hugs to you.
Anonymous112211
Anonymous112211
Thank you. Feeling_betrayed... Most of my story was posted months ago, so I keep in the back ground, mostly journaling. I am fine being alone, but I would benefit from having my kids here more.

Yes I am seeing a Therapist and Going to Church again. Kids are girls ages 7 and 9, and the 7 yr old sees a therapist for anger issues.

My lawyer finally called me @ 5:10 to go over some of my responses. I just feel like he is so behind the curve that I can't help but lose. He seems confident, but I dont know what to think.

Mny nerves are getting the better of me, and nothing I do is taking my mind off of it. Walking, shopping nothing. sigh.
mlr0853
mlr0853
Hi....tough right now...especially thinking lawyer is behind the curve...I can only suggest for you to remain calm, give Fact Based information and Give Fact based what you want moving forward with the girls....if there has been no emotional/physical abuse I don't see why your ex should get sole custody....if she does, does she pay full medical, you just child support? Stipulations for notification of school events, seeing your kids once a week for dinner, one day a weekend, and following weekend sleep over would not seem unreasonable....just my red flag as a mom...I'd keep an eye on the other daughter too...if she is quiet, she maybe internalizing...at least the younger one is expressing. Another way to keep contact daily is to skype each night...so much better than texting or talking and they can see you giving them virtual hugs...the only other thought is to write down what you want for you, what you want for your kids for the next 6months to happen...then another 6 months....it's always best to start slow and small....with vivid specifics....best to you!
Anonymous112211
Anonymous112211
Thanks all for your comments suggestions, and encouragement...

First all, today was in a large part a win. I get to see my kids weekly. During the week on the week that is not my weekend Wed's - Fri, and on my weekends Thurs - Mon morning. For that I am thank full.

I am sad by the loss of my family and the breakdown of the marriage. Even today I tried to reconcile. But it is over.

BTW, I did set up old phones for my kids to be able to call and talk to me through both Skype and google hangouts. If they dont work, I have hangouts set to be able to call me via phone (as long as they have wifi). So I am already on that. I agree I need to have my other daughter checked on / talk to a therapist. That will be soon.

Thanks again.
mlr0853
mlr0853
So glad to read of you positive outcome!!! Thank you for giving the update! Just wondering, could you suggest to x sitting down with both girls and asking them how they feel, do they have any questions...kids know Way more than we give them credit for...especially today...being reassured they are not the reason for the split, and they will still see you and you will always love them and be a part of their lives...guess some of my stuff is coming up, as I raised my son alone...his father today has no contact...very sad again...best of luck!
Godhelpme
Godhelpme
Keep the faith. The courts want to see a Dad who cares and you obviously do. Congratulations on the custody. Be sure to get yourself lots of help to. It's important to you and the kids.
Anonymous112211
Anonymous112211
Mir0853, when we finally decided to start the path of divorce we did sit the kids down and explained that in no way were they the fault of our split. We told them exactly the truth, that Mom's and Dad's sometimes can find a work toghether any longer. We did this after I moved out a few weeks. I then asked them if it has been better in the house. No yelling, no anger. They both agreed. So they have seen the positive side of it. Then finally, we told them, and continue to tell them that while Mom and I can not get along that we both love them unconditionally. That we are there for them any time. That we dont hate each other, in fact we still care for each other but we just can't live with each other any longer.

In this, I have vowed not to speak negativly about my ex. Even to others. I have explained that I am dissapointed that she doesnt want to work toward fixing us, but otherwise she is a good mom.

GodHelpme, I am keeping the faith. I journal often, and at the end thank him for all he is doing to help me through this very tough situation. Like I said yesterday, I may have won, but for me it was a hollow victory. I get my kids more often, but I have lost the family that I love dearly.

All I can hope for now is that in time the hurt subsides and I can grow better and be happier than I have been in a long time. Already I have been told that I am like my old self, one that has not been around since I married my wife. Not sure how I feel about that. But I will take their word that it is better for me.
mlr0853
mlr0853
Your kids no doubt will be Much Better and more resilient due to you and x sitting down with them! I too made the decision to not bash my son's father, it would only hurt him, as he is 1/2 his father...he does know the full story now...I gave him info when he was around 17. You never know what will come along...be open to the newness of your journey...I too believe God brings people and events into our lives to teach us, as we move towards His Will..best to you!
Jules1964
Jules1964
I'm glad to hear you won your custody fight. At least you have had the ability to speak to your wife and you know where you stand. My wife filed an injunction that prevents me from any direct contact. I cannot even within 1000 feet of her. This is supposed to terminate when the decree is final, but for now I don't seem to have any way to seek reconciliation only but through lawyers. I theory, is she set this up on purpose so as she would not get weak and feel nostalgic and come back. She's relied on outside counselors who gave her some seriously bad advise. She clearly did not think this through. She did all this without any income of her own and now is putting a financial hardship on both of us. I'm trying to keep positive, but glad to here about your success. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers brother.
refurb
refurb
Sad that you still love her, she wants to use the kids to hurt you and to get money , that is a monster

She doesn't love you, doesn't care about daming the kids, and wants to inflict major pain upon you

See her for what she is, get a backbone, expect a nasty fight , and be a father for you children, they need you to be a good man,
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