Hi there,

My first time on a support group so don't expect any good advice from me lol.

Can I ask, have you fully let go of the relationship? It seems like you might still have some emotion there, caring about what he thinks.

You're the mum and get to look after the kids, they are what's important and where the focus needs to be. Ignore what he thinks.

I found that for me getting over my wife (who I'm still married to and living with) was to get me back, I've changed my diet and workout when I can, I also take most of the house work on and look after our 2 boys and I feel much better. Though luckily I had clothing from when I was thin so I didn't kill my bank buying new haha.

For the court thing, is there anyway you can fight it, child support, spousal support etc? See if you can get advice in this area.

Mostly, try and be happy and calm in front of the kids.

Good luck, and here if needed.

I dont care what he thinks mainly because pleasing him is impossible. The judge will decide on money issues and I am fighting it except for what court order says. I do need to eat better, exercise focus on me more. Thank you

It's never too late to build up a wider support network for yourself, it seems that you're fine on knowing how to raise your children, but more adult support might be what you need. I know you weren't legally married, but can you find a nearby divorce support group? There's only so much bitching and moaning I find I can do to friends who aren't in my same situation, so the divorce support group is the best place to bring up my issues and also listen to other people's issues. Hearing of other really heartbreaking stories of split up families helps me put my situation with my dumb ass ex into perspective. I found the group on meetup.

I keep reminding myself that divorce is not about fairness, it's just supposed to be about upholding the law. Emotions aren't considered. But he has his mom and she pays for the roof over his head - nope. But I'm working 45 hours a week and two jobs to support the kids and I take them to their activities and help them keep on track with their lives - nope. It's not fair, it doesn't FEEL fair, but it's how it legally worked out.

One more thing I happened upon was the Life Coach concept. I'll freely admit that I was the first one to roll her eyes at the concept of needing someone to hold my hand. Like, really, I need someone to walk me through figuring out the best ways to achieve what I want in life? Even the thought of trying to figure out what I need in life - what? I didn't get it. I had joined the county's Life Transition Center, which helps (mostly) women in need. I thought I was going to get help with networking to find a full time job, maybe some divorce information. As it turns out, the employment support was intended for people with very little in the way of skills (don't know how to use a pc, that type of thing) and they didn't deal with divorce issues. But the personal workshops they offered were very empowering. And the Life Coach thing was perfect for me. It was 13 weeks, it was free. I was paired with a coach who I would speak with on the phone once a week for an hour. The idea was to discuss what I needed in life, what roadblocks were in my way, how I could go about achieving what I needed. The first realization I had was that what I had initially identified as needing most, - that wasn't what I really needed. I didn't need the full time job as much as I needed to find peace in my life, which meant getting the courage to follow through with the divorce I had been planning. The coach never told me what to do, but kept my end-goal in site, and constantly asked me what I did this week to achieve that goal. So simple, she just kept me on track. She also kept asking me what I was doing for myself. That I was always taking care of other people, my kids, stbx, even in my job I was in a care taker role. I struggled with that, with coming up with things I could say I did for myself that week. I'm still trying to put me first, but with kids, work and other outside issues, and me being the one who always does the boots on the ground parenting, it's hard.

I think you're doing a fabulous job. You've gone to school, landed a better job. You're the boots on the ground mom, the one who REALLY knows the kids and does what's best for them. You set a great example, you've set the bar for them to reach. Dad gets things done for him by his mom, but you stand strong on your own. That's what you want them to see, how you did for yourself and them, so that they will learn and can do for themselves when it's their time. Keep reminding them how important it is for them to be responsible people, keep showing them by your great example. They'll see (if they don't already) that they have one parent who is not upholding their end of being a responsible citizen, and one who is.

Hang in there. Widen your support network.

He's an ASSH"LE, and will never ever give you the props you deserve for being a great mother to his children.

He's just a total asshole. I'm sorry you have to put up with that, I really am

I'm praying the courts give you the much needed break and assistance you deserve.

This guy doesn't deserve an ounce of leniency from them.

A divorce group i consider before while no not married we were together long time.what makes me angry about court is he is taking me for things he already agreed too like yes I got better job. Our custody is 50 50 so cs will stop. I asked him to wait till my first full check, he says no he will wait till second.....so he does that but then files to get all cs reimbursed since jan. I was like wth at anytime he could of filed sooner! Before this job we needed food boxes to get by, help with electricity, etc. He never had to worry about feeding the kids like me or paying the house bills then tells judge how he gets everything for our kids! The dental bills my legal portion is 40%. Well kids needed alot of dental work so he said if I take them to all appt he will pay as he could not get them to all appt. Well I did and at end he demands 50% without giving a bill even. Well I told him court order says my portion is 40% not 50%. That makes him mad so again he files more papers now asking for 50% and when he files is first time I get copies of actual bills I had been asking for, He got to pay as he went yet demands it from me at end. I want clarification from judge on this while I expect to pay 40% this was not right.

ASSH*LE.

The courts aren't stupid, and I hope to God they really cut him down to size.

They know what it costs to raise children.

I really hope they open his eyes for him and force him to man up.

It's ridiculous that he somehow feels the victim.

He really needs to grow up

I'm here for you I still live with my asshole as dandelion put it she is so right I'm happy that you got to get away now it is time for you I know it's hard bc im trying even doing one extra little thing helps my asshole owns a bar so if he doesn't feel like paying child support who is gonna make him? The court can order it but he is basically self employed and I was stupid bc we had a beverage store so I worked only there so I could be basically stay at home mom now I'm looking for a job hang in there in Ohio the man is responsible for insurance coverage I don't know how it is where you are but look into it I'm here for you as we all are ❤️

Thank you. I am relieved to be in peace as far as this is my home, I do what i want, he has no control. I just hate that I moved last feb over a year ago and he still throws stuff at me. I hate that this is my kids life that we can't get along and are always in court. I am barely getting on my feet here. It's nice he has help but as I told him not all of us have that! He most likely won't ever move either which kids hate. They want him to get his own place. He pays coverage so this is payments of what we pay which is order as him 60%, me 40%....then of all i talked to no one has experienced someone asking for cs to be reimbursed! So have no clue how that will go but I did not lie he knew I switched jobs. I am even ok with it stopping but dont feel i should pay it back as it was spent on kids and it takes a bit to even get real checks once changing jobs. Sigh my anxiety is so bad:(

I don't know the entire situation but he has got to be a clown if he thinks that he can live a part from his kids (as a non-custodial parent) and then expects you to pay him. I live in Georgia and the courts here would laugh him all the way back to the parking lot. So if he is threatening to have you pay him back, while you are providing food and shelter for his children then he should have another thing coming, if the judge is fair. My ex tried those same B.S. tactics on me, and it used to work. I always wanted things to go smoothly without chaos. I didn't want arguing and bitterness. But then I became the bitter one because I was giving into all of his threats and tactics, even though I knew it was all a sham. Now, I don't care. I drew up my own child support papers, and him served, and before we could even get a court date set, he shows up at the door with $700 because he didn't think I was bold enough to do it. Now he calls and ask if I need anything. Ha!! Go figure! Call his bluff and let him know that you won't take his empty threats. You don't need all that and you damn sure don't need him. And if he's so adamant about getting help, then why won't he help you? Better yet, why won't he help his kids? He's a selfish man and you are better off without him. Your kids definitely don't need to be around all of that. It's toxic and unhealthy. I suppose it's okay for him to get help and support but not you? Continue to communicate through e-mail and don't respond to negativity. Don't ask him. Don't beg him. Don't do anything. If he e-mails you a bunch of crap, don't respond, take it to court and show the judge. Don't have your blood pressure go into heart attack mode because a man is behaving like a boy in 3rd grade. Let it go. Let him go. Let the judge be the judge and you continue to work on yourself, for yourself and for your kids.

And if you are not in therapy, please consider going. I see a therapist myself and it is definitely helping me. I have a long way to go, but I am starting to see the light by being able to address my problems. Find books and scriptures to read. You can get some books and tapes from your local library. Take the steps to work on yourself and leave that fool where he lay.