G... never say never... there are all sorts of events and relationships out there that we don't know about. Yet, it is hard to determine when art imitates life or life imitates art.

Here is a public example: the triangle formed between Brad Pitt, Angelina Joulie and Jennifer Aniston.

The friendship becomes cheating when the two share intimacies that should be shared with the spouses.

As to which is worse, I think they are equally devastating, each in its own way.

My stbx had and is still having emotional affairs. and let me tell you it hurts very badly when he choice to continue with them then be with me. he showed that he rather share all he had with them instead of with me. I did nothing to make him want to do this he had an addiction and I could not have changed him if I tried, and believe me I did try. He did not want to give up his fantasy women, he could be anyone he wanted with these women he met on line and talked to on his cell. With me he had to be the real person he was. I could not compete with a fantasy I don't want to try anymore

i would think both emotional and physical affairs would be painful,,,,,i'm fairly certain my stbx is involved with someone. Does that make it my fault? Did i neglect him? hell no. If he was suddenly unhappy (doubt it) he could have put effort into the church weekend or counseling we did to save the marriage. he didn't want to save it. I think it can sometimes be a case of a new person paying them attention and, like someone said, a POOR CHOICE. He could have made a different choice, to be open emotionally and improve himself as a person and as a husband.

I have thought a lot about this and you know what conclusion I came to?

Both hurt but I think the emotional cheating was almost worse. The fact that she admitted that she can talk to him about things she didn;t feel she could say to me. And I ALWAYS listened and ALWAYS told her I wanted to listen and help if and when something was bothering her. I NEVER told her I was too busy or didn't want to hear it.

The minute she went to this asshole and told him about problems in her life and marriage or things that she wished she'd done differently, and told him that she'd cheated in the past (including revealing two ONS's to him that she hadn;t to me) she opened the door for the affair to go from emotional to physical and basically gave him the green light to try and fuck her.

Honestly, it hurts worse than the physical, and that hurts pretty bad. Especially when I had to sit there and sweat out the results of a pregnancy test knowing I was done being able to have kids.

They are pigs and sluts regardless. Giving your heart and body away to another when it is not your right to do so is pathetic. Get a fucking divorce first or be straight with the person you married or don't fucking get married next time.

I wouldnt want a person in my life that needs me to be thier everything. 2 halves dont make a whole person nor whole healthy life.

whippy if a mate goes else where. I'll just set him out w the cat after I had my way w him being that there is an area where I can still have sex w that person,lol, next.

Yeah, there is something missing. Honesty. And probably character.

My biggest problem with her having an affair is that instead of spending energy fixing the thing that is missing in the relationship, that same energy was spent trying to find ways to deceive me in the double life that she created.

The flaw in your question is that you pre-suppose that it is ok to have a friend of the opposite sex when you are married. I would disagree with that premise; it is NOT ok, in my opinion. Having a friend of the opposite sex when you are married just brings up the potential for building a wall in your relationship with your spouse that could become potentially damaging to your marriage.

Better question: Why would you WANT a friend of the opposite sex if you are married and how much does ego and lack of self-esteem play a part in that friendship?

DAB

I have to respectfully disagree about friends of the opposite sex! During my life...both prior to and after my 18 years of marriage I have had many friends...both male and female...

I have not had enough coffee yet this AM to respond more completely, but let me just say

WOW
gerette

I have also had friends of the opposite sex ....in fact still do--one of my best friends is a happily married dad w/two kids. He is never out of line with me or me with him. It is very possible. You both have to have character I think.

I agree with what you said about the exact same energy should be put into the relationship, instead of someone new.

The difference between Emotional cheating and mere friendship is a fine line for me...

I find that it becomes emotional cheating when you withdraw a portion of yourself, emotionally or mentally, and give that portion to someone else other than your spouse.

If you stop confiding in your spouse and are confiding in someone else, of either sex, you are committing an emotional affair...

the person you married is supposed to be the person you trust the most... if you choose to withdraw that trust factor and start sharing your heart and soul with someone else exclusively, it becomes an emotional affair...

There is some question in my mind and i've seen it debated where someone has a best friend to whom you share your most intimate thoughts with, and whether it is an emotional affair as one would have withdrawn that portion of their life from their spouse...

Conversely, if you are confiding in someone about some grievious issues that your spouse is committing, abuse of any sort towards you or your children, the question is, where along that line does it go from seeking help to being something more.

its a lively topic to debate, for sure, and i don't think that there is going to be any hard and fast "THIS IS WHERE FRIENDSHIP STOPS AND CHEATING STARTS" line that can be drawn...

some will believe that any emotional sharing is cheating and others will believe that a certain amount of emotional sharing with close friends is neccessary to be able to maintain a healthy relationship.

It will be interesting to see how people sus this out.

Just want to say i never shared my most intimate thoughts with my male friends... that to me would be a sign of an emotional affair.. But he does write on my Facebook wall (where STBX could read it, back when we were friends) and generally support me. That is what friends do. It is the exact same type of friendship I have with my girlfriends. NOT emotional cheating. I don't think we are meant to be ONLY friends with our spouse. That is really a strange concept to me.

Odd how my situation went *down*. Making love, laughing, exploring, making long range plans one day - two days later she informs me of her emotional affair. Super frickin' freak of nature that lady...

in responce to DAB's comments...

I agree with him, but only to a degree...

there is no reason to NOT be friends with someone because they are of the opposite sex, however i do believe that, within a healthy marriage, it should be only through the spouse or group activities...

what i mean by this is... i believe that if a person is married they should never have someone of the opposite sex over to their house alone... that doesn't preclude couple A and couple B having a great AND very close friendship... but if Husband A is away from town on business... Couple B should have no problem coming by to visit Wife A as a couple on a routine/regular basis... to check on her and keep her company... I also think that Wife B should have no problem coming over to visit Wife A on a routine/regular basis, however Husband B shouldn't be popping by to visit Wife A by himself on a routine/regular basis...

Is this to say that the single spouses WILL become engaged in an inappropriate relationship the moment they're together? NO... but it lays so much groundwork for that... particularilly if they, as couples are already very close... they've created an emotional bond, as a group of 4 people that noone would or should question... because of that emotional bond... its too easy for the single spouses to 'accidentally' become enamoured of one another and being having an affair...

its not that they WILL have an affair, but its just too likely for that to happen...

just think... how many times have we heard the story here on DS... my husband left me for my friend... my wife left me for my friend.

I'm not saying that being friends with someone of the opposite sex is wrong... i'm just saying that it leaves people FAR too open to having an affair, SHOULD the marriage become stressed or broken in any way....


Just my opinion... but i also lost my wife to a guy who she insisted was 'just a friend' and who probably was 'just a friend' in the beginning, so my viewpoint is a bit skewed.

((((Meddle))))

((((((RMS)))))

I think my stbx is cheating with someone from work. So my viewpopint may be THAT is the troubling environment. lol.

I do not hang out with male friends alone very often. sometimes we'll grab lunch. More often we'll call or e-mail or FB. Just like i do with my gal pals. It is a great friendship, but nothing like you would have with a spouse.