Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Husband is in the military and spent a lot of time away from home. He develop a frienship with a female coworker and I even though he has not been himself for almost a year and confronted him numerous times about his "friend" I just found out he has been an emotional affair for over a year now. He says he bonded with her, that they grew close together in a yr deployment and even though he has been back for a year he can't shake those feelings. He says he didn't had any intimacy with her but he fell in love with her and she with him. He says he is confused, that he don't know what to do, 1st time we talked about divorce and begged him to stay, 2nd time we talked about divorce and he said he wanted to stay. The pain is unbereable, he is willing to stay in the marriage, "to tough it out" but their is no affection. I know that it will be better for me to leave but it's hard to let go.
Bonding overseas in a stressful situation (or even just being away from home) is NOT the same as love. He needs to work this out. The military is a hard life. He didn't act on his feelings, and that's a very good sign. I have no clue if there's hope in your marriage or not, but if it were me, I'd give it a shot.
Hugs,
Patti
a good metaphor for this situation, to me, is the difference between reading a book and seeing the movie. the book is always better because our imaginations create such idealistic characters and beautiful imagery.
that is the way infatuation works. we picture the other person in glowing terms and idealize them (the book). we get high on the forbidden-ness of impossible love. add to that the immediacy of a war setting and you have all the components of a bogart/bacall movie.
meanwhile, back in the states, the wife is grounded and living a normal life. she appears boring (the movie) and life in general with her appears routine. she is just a regular woman. she is not a fantasy.
there is no way that a regular woman can compete with the idealistic fantasy of a man who has a juvenile concept of adult love.
conclusion: some people are idealists and always need the high of the chase and the unknown. they think this is love. other people outgrow their idealistic youth because it always ends with disappointment because it is not real. eventually, they mature and see reality for what it is down deep, and people down deep, and see that it is much more of substance than any juvenile fantasy can be.
your husband is faced with a choice right now: either remain delusional about love and women or face reality and see that a real woman who is devoted to you, even though she is not, on a superficial level, his version of lauren bacall, down deep she is much better than that, she is his love, his mate, his audrey hepburn.
this is not about your at all! this is about your husband's boyish romantic idealism and whether he will cling to it or not.
I love him more than anything but it's getting harder to be around him when he don't hug me, kiss me, hold my hand often, he even stop saying I love you. If I hold his hand, hug him, kiss him or say I love you he does answers but I'm getting tired of me being the only one giving.