Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Today I am just feeling pyschologically drained from my mother's abuse. She babysits my kids for free and I show her respect and am sincerely grateful for her help.
Yesterday, she bitched when I asked her to take my child to open house and meet the teacher (I had to work). I asked, didn't say she had to. First she said I should have asked off, I explained I just got the call 3 days ago and couldn't make the arrangements. Then she said I'm lying and how at every chance I get, I'm always taking the kids to a theme park when I should be taking my days off for stuff like this. I explained the kids haven't had a vacation for 2 years now, we had a day off so we went to the park one day. Then she tells me I just shouldn't work nights anymore. I told her when I got the job and talked to her about our arrangement, she agreed and understood I work in retail, and it's only 2 nights a week and one of those nights would be a weekend night, kids will be gone to their dad's anyway, so it's only one night/week that I needed her if any bc lately it's been no nights. Then she finally says how awful I am and never listen and should never have bought my house soooo far away, it's soooo far to come pick them up at their school, it's just soooo far... it is 15 minutes and I only need her to pick them up one night per week. I finally just asked her if she didn't want to help me out anymore, just say so so I can find someone else, even if I have to pay them. She thens says of course she'll keep my kids, but it's all my fault how difficult this is. I should never have gotten divorced, now their father's not around to help (she looks down when she says this bc she knows he wasn't around when we were married anyway). I know it's wrong and hope my kids never feel this way about me, but I just hate my mother sometimes.
Yesterday, she bitched when I asked her to take my child to open house and meet the teacher (I had to work). I asked, didn't say she had to. First she said I should have asked off, I explained I just got the call 3 days ago and couldn't make the arrangements. Then she said I'm lying and how at every chance I get, I'm always taking the kids to a theme park when I should be taking my days off for stuff like this. I explained the kids haven't had a vacation for 2 years now, we had a day off so we went to the park one day. Then she tells me I just shouldn't work nights anymore. I told her when I got the job and talked to her about our arrangement, she agreed and understood I work in retail, and it's only 2 nights a week and one of those nights would be a weekend night, kids will be gone to their dad's anyway, so it's only one night/week that I needed her if any bc lately it's been no nights. Then she finally says how awful I am and never listen and should never have bought my house soooo far away, it's soooo far to come pick them up at their school, it's just soooo far... it is 15 minutes and I only need her to pick them up one night per week. I finally just asked her if she didn't want to help me out anymore, just say so so I can find someone else, even if I have to pay them. She thens says of course she'll keep my kids, but it's all my fault how difficult this is. I should never have gotten divorced, now their father's not around to help (she looks down when she says this bc she knows he wasn't around when we were married anyway). I know it's wrong and hope my kids never feel this way about me, but I just hate my mother sometimes.
divorce is hard on more than just us, and our kids, isn't it?
it creates pain and anxiety and fear for the people who love us too
My kids are 3 years into this now, and just sigh and say "that's grandma" to her comments.
It doesn't always work, but I say to myself, "I can't reason with unreasonable people"....and your mother is definitely unreasonable.
and it sounds like you weren't hearing her, or acknowledging those feelings
when that happens with me in conversations, it almost always escalates, because someone is trying very hard and not feeling heard
But like I said, I always ask. I think she was just feeling guilty and got defensive, but I told her that she didn't have to take my child to open house, she just wanted to know where her room was & who was in her class. But as always, it's always my fault for needing anything.
She may just be feeling like she's at the end of her rope, and any "one more thing" feels like a straw about to break her back, yanno?
We all have love language needs, and it sounds to me as if she feels very taken for granted and tired. You may want to incorporate a few generous, thoughtful actions throughout the week, such as giving her little gifts that could be as simple as her favorite cookies or cakes, hugging her more often; quietly pulling her aside to tell her how much you love and appreciate her, to buying her a new tea, perfume, blouse, a card or flowers.
I'd be surprised if long ago, your mother thought to herself, "Gee, I hope when I'm older, my daughters get divorced so I can watch all the grandchildren and run errands for them." *wink. She's providing you with this 'gift' because she deeply loves you and your children and she knows it's the right thing to do.
I really believe if you give back just a little kindness and gratitude, you'll see an appreciative, happier Grandma.