Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
For those who have been following my posts, you know I have had a lot of confusion as to why my ex decided he didn't want to marry me. I asked several times and he wouldn't give me any answers, I figured I would send an email expressing all my thoughts and feelings more so for myself and if I didn't get answer I made peace with it. To my surprise he did respond. I am not even sure how to feel about his answers but here is his email
I don't hate you. I am unsure as to why you feel that way. Even after we broke up I have tried to stay friends. I don't wish you anything negative. I don't feel that I am a liar because I changed my mind on wanting to marry you. I do have the right to change my mind.
I do believe you have changed a lot since we met. You used to be confident and strong. I know you were proud of all you had accomplished and you had big goals for the future. Soon that changed and the only thing you cared about was wanting children. You are 27 years old why did all your dreams and goals all suddenly end? having kids and being a stay at home mom was now all you wanted out of life? that isn't the person I met.
Speaking of confidence let me expand on this further. You are a beautiful girl but you seem to always put yourself down. Do you feel this is an attractive quality? I used to compliment you all the time but it is as if you were determined to say something negative about yourself anytime I tried to. If you don't even think you are worth it why should I? You need some serious therapy to fix the things you think about yourself. I hate when you use your ex as an excuse for this behavior. Okay so what you were dumped before. Who hasn't been? grow up stop blaming your past for your present situation. Nobody can make you feel anything less about yourself unless you allow it.
Another thing I truly am so turned off by is your lack of inner strength. I have purposely picked fights with you to get you angry. I wanted to see you stand up for yourself. I was looking for some fight in you. Each time you would just roll over. You smile and act like you are always fine. Why is it so hard for you to yell back or say you are pissed off. I know you have been extremely upset before, yet you tell me you are fine and ask me what I want for dinner. Why cant you say your pissed off. I have been wrong in several disagreements but yet you will always just give in. You wont even fight for what you believe in. I am not sure how you don't even care about yourself enough to stand up for your thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I am not sure what has happened to you in the time we met. I want someone in life that makes me feel alive and being with you started to become so routine. I want someone who can challenge me and you just are not that person. Your goal in life is to make your husband and children happy. You don't even care about what you want in life. I think it is sad who you have become and you're way too young to be this way. You are basically a people pleaser and a pushover. Making sure everyone is taken care of, besides yourself.
You are the nicest girl I have ever been with. My mother loves you, my family truly loves you. There is a lot of good in you but you are such a damaged person. I want a woman who is strong, independent and knows her worth. I want a woman who will fight back with me and not give me my way all of the time. I want a woman who will stand up for her opinions. I hope you find a way to work on your issues. I have always sad we can be friends but I understand if it isn't something you want. I was as clear as I can be and I am sure you will go and cry or find this another way to make this a pity party about you. I am only trying to help I hope at some point you will see it that way .
MY THOUGHTS
I am not even sure what to think. yes I have some self confidence issues from the past. I will say that he never ever once mentioned to me he was unhappy or made me aware of how he felt. I don't think I am a mind reader and if someone will walk away without giving you a chance to work on the things you may need to improve on......well I guess that is just what it is then. I feel he is/was looking for excuses or picking at things to sound more justified. Everyone has the right to their opinions and feelings I just felt it was unfair to not give me a chance to become aware of things at a time where maybe I could have worked on them.
I don't hate you. I am unsure as to why you feel that way. Even after we broke up I have tried to stay friends. I don't wish you anything negative. I don't feel that I am a liar because I changed my mind on wanting to marry you. I do have the right to change my mind.
I do believe you have changed a lot since we met. You used to be confident and strong. I know you were proud of all you had accomplished and you had big goals for the future. Soon that changed and the only thing you cared about was wanting children. You are 27 years old why did all your dreams and goals all suddenly end? having kids and being a stay at home mom was now all you wanted out of life? that isn't the person I met.
Speaking of confidence let me expand on this further. You are a beautiful girl but you seem to always put yourself down. Do you feel this is an attractive quality? I used to compliment you all the time but it is as if you were determined to say something negative about yourself anytime I tried to. If you don't even think you are worth it why should I? You need some serious therapy to fix the things you think about yourself. I hate when you use your ex as an excuse for this behavior. Okay so what you were dumped before. Who hasn't been? grow up stop blaming your past for your present situation. Nobody can make you feel anything less about yourself unless you allow it.
Another thing I truly am so turned off by is your lack of inner strength. I have purposely picked fights with you to get you angry. I wanted to see you stand up for yourself. I was looking for some fight in you. Each time you would just roll over. You smile and act like you are always fine. Why is it so hard for you to yell back or say you are pissed off. I know you have been extremely upset before, yet you tell me you are fine and ask me what I want for dinner. Why cant you say your pissed off. I have been wrong in several disagreements but yet you will always just give in. You wont even fight for what you believe in. I am not sure how you don't even care about yourself enough to stand up for your thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I am not sure what has happened to you in the time we met. I want someone in life that makes me feel alive and being with you started to become so routine. I want someone who can challenge me and you just are not that person. Your goal in life is to make your husband and children happy. You don't even care about what you want in life. I think it is sad who you have become and you're way too young to be this way. You are basically a people pleaser and a pushover. Making sure everyone is taken care of, besides yourself.
You are the nicest girl I have ever been with. My mother loves you, my family truly loves you. There is a lot of good in you but you are such a damaged person. I want a woman who is strong, independent and knows her worth. I want a woman who will fight back with me and not give me my way all of the time. I want a woman who will stand up for her opinions. I hope you find a way to work on your issues. I have always sad we can be friends but I understand if it isn't something you want. I was as clear as I can be and I am sure you will go and cry or find this another way to make this a pity party about you. I am only trying to help I hope at some point you will see it that way .
MY THOUGHTS
I am not even sure what to think. yes I have some self confidence issues from the past. I will say that he never ever once mentioned to me he was unhappy or made me aware of how he felt. I don't think I am a mind reader and if someone will walk away without giving you a chance to work on the things you may need to improve on......well I guess that is just what it is then. I feel he is/was looking for excuses or picking at things to sound more justified. Everyone has the right to their opinions and feelings I just felt it was unfair to not give me a chance to become aware of things at a time where maybe I could have worked on them.
It's more like he is putting himself up and putting you down indirectly than he is being real with himself. Sometimes people do this type of manipulation without realizing it. You can give the items some thought if you want and be objective, but focus on yourself.
Cheers
You need to go no contact, repeatedly asking him why is not doing you any good.
Hugs to you!
As for the other stuff - it's valid. He is allowed to want to be with a different type of person. he doesn't say that makes you wrong or bad - and it doesn't. You're just not what he wants. And that's OK.
You get to grieve now - lucky you - and learn from this and move on.
I agree with the other posters.
Yes he is allowed to change his mind. I don't think I was ever angry at him for not wanting to be with me, I think my anger came from his constant reassurance that he was happy. He is the one who started all the discussions on marriage. I guess I was just very surprised that he felt these things because he never ever once made me feel that he thought this way. I would never ever want someone to be with me if they didn't truly love me.
I do feel better on some strange level. I sense that he needs someone "exciting" and I hope he finds that I truly believe once he does, he will be wishing for someone down to earth, a family person and someone available for him.
LOL, he is going to find he is incompatible for relationships in general. He seems proud of his deceptions and games he played while testing you. Whereas you made efforts to compromise and find common ground, he only desired the conflict in itself. You deserve to trust your partner has the relationship's best interest at heart. He was only looking for what kind of thrill you could provide him. You were selflessly sacrificing and he criticizes you for it? And he implies wisdom with age is somehow repugnant? This man is a self-centered caveman. Some man is going to be lucky to have your love and he definitely does not deserve it. Bless you.