Tomorrow would have been our 10th anniversary. He had been the one that was pushing making plans early (2 1/2 years ahead), setting up a savings account, talking to people about joining us at Disneyworld (where we'd had our honeymoon). And then of course he drops the divorce bomb on me and I find out that the whole time he was doing all of that he had already stopped loving me. Yet he was still going through that whole elaborate charade that makes it all feel that much more nightmare-ish *now*.

Needless to say I'm dreading tomorrow.

One of my friends just told me a few minutes ago that "I can already see improvement one year later, even if you don't feel it."

The thing is, I really don't feel it. In some ways I feel worse than I did then. I'm just so... empty and dead inside most of the time. I can pretend the surface layer that people see but I can't pretend the inside. There's only surface smiles or momentary laughter because it's sort of expected and people/friends want you to feel better and not be sad all the time, so I smile or laugh because I have memories that things were funny or cute or whatever. Sometimes there's dark humor that's funny but it's bitter, not joyful.

I feel like I can't see beauty and joy and love anymore. I theorize that they still exist but I don't *know* it anymore. Even when my mom died I could see those things even though they left me untouched for many months.

I'm scared sometimes that they really did break something inside me and that it's not ever going to come back.

I was always one of those optimistic, bouncy, joyful, laughing, smiling people and now I don't know how to be any of those things.