Deepest respect for you, Misred.

Thank you songIMH.

so glad to hear you are in therapy

just a suggestion, if you're at the point you're sick and tired of feeling the way you do, and you're willing to do whatever it takes to feel ebtter,

maybe ask your therapist to give you a short list of things to do, proactive things that aren't phamarceutical, to help shore up and augment what you're already doing

(just an example, nutrition can create depression where there would otherwise not be any)



hang in there

Uncontrolled diabetes can also be contributing to your feelings of hopelessness. My daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 when she was 16 - she was really upset about it but kept it to herself. I so wanted her to reach out to her friends to let them know what she was going through, but she didn't want to be all about her disease, so she hardly told anyone. I think she was embarrassed, even though it is an auto-immune disorder that she could not have prevented. I will tell you that, before she was diagnosed and treated properly, she was very legarthic and down in the dumps, and she couldn't see well, and was extremely sleepy and lazy. Perhaps if you get better control of your disase you will start to feel better. It takes a while to clean the blood of all that built-up sugar, so don't expect results overnight. But if you get a handle on your disease and start managing it properly, your outlook may improve. I would also definitely ask your therapist what short-term things you can do to help yourself feel better. That's what they're there for.

I have been in the place you are existing in for years now, minus the incentive that children provide. I string myself through day after day, hoping that I will feel better. It doesn't happen, but the conditions that cause the misery cannot be mitigated by me. My divorce became a criminal issue and I am watching the only family I ever had spiral downward into court defined insanity. My story is a nightmare, and this is not about me, but about how these circumstances have had me feeling as you do for years now.

People who do not feel the pain that drives you to seek oblivion cannot understand that it is neither cowardice nor selfishness.... rather, it is relentless and unbearable pain that is driving you.
I understand. I have no one in the world and the desolation is .. remarkable. So I understand well how much you dread what you feel is your impending interminable stretch in solitary. I have been there for four years, and in my opinion, it is dreadful. I do believe though, it is worse to be with someone who treats you badly. You may feel differently, but after an evening with a married couple I know who treat each other like shit on a continuous basis...... I almost stop bleeding with loneliness.... at least for a minute or two after i flee their loveless union.

You do have your son. I chose to be child free for a number of reasons. I now stay alive, and have done so for years.. because I will NOT abandon my loving pets. That is the light tether I have to this breathing life.
Surely the son you love is a more substantial anchor than the speechless but much loved beings that I hang my grudging acceptance of my horrid half-life upon?

Consider this: You WILL die. I guarantee it. No one has ever gotten out alive, so you will depart in your good time. Wouldn't you like to see your son grow? You made him.... don't you owe him a chance of happiness and sanity? If you destroy your life, you know you will destroy his as well. I am not the first to point out how your departure will devastate him.

You have received some outrage here.. and you will receive more. There is no tolerance for this discussion of unbearable life destroying pain. I find this is the unspeakable subject. I hope your experience varies.

Try everything offered that makes sense to you. Make every effort. You have a son, and you owe him. I don't agree with some posters who need to hit you when you are down by suggesting you are selfish etc. You are in severe pain and that condition does NOT induce clear-headedness. I understand you think you cannot bear yor life as it unfolds and yet, you must and you can. Your boy depends on this.
Please pm me if you want discussion without judgement. I have become adept at living with the unbearable, while in almost total isolation. Suicidal ideation is offensive to some, and many fail to see that sometimes, being able to express freely how you long to be free of your pain and mistakes and depart.... sometimes allows the air to clear and enables a fresh start . This is how I have made it so far. Someone will allow me to vent my grief, and I will choose life again and again, hoping.... so far in vain, but it does spring eternal....
Someone form this place, the late and much lamented Nova allowed me to vent, and because of that, I am miserable, but I am still here. I offer the same to you.

I wish you the best, and I am here for you.

OK, you need a plan.

I'm sure that you've been asked if you have specific plans for suicide, so I'm going to ask you if you have a specific plan for LIFE.

This is just an idea, and if it doesn't work for you and your son OK, but it's just something I thought of.

Bedtime will be an issue, you already know that. So what's the plan? Does your 11 year old son still sleep with a stuffed animal (my 11 year old does). If there's a specific stuffed animal that he can leave at your place, then you sleep with that each night. Another idea is to get TWO of the same stuffed animals, he sleeps with one at his mom's and you sleep with the other. It's sort of a contract. You pledge to your son that you're sleeping with it, and thinking of him. (My daughter would be SOOO totally onboard with this idea (she's almost 10....I can't even tell you....)

Other idea.....make sure you have a visitation schedule. Make SURE you commit that you'll be there for your son on the next day. He NEEDS you....don't fool yourself that he doesn't, or would be better off without a dad with issues. He'll grow up to have issues himself. We ALL have them. He may even have depression someday. So you're showing him NOW how to deal with it. And that INCLUDES how to deal when things are just aweful.

Problems fine. Tell me how bad it is, and I'll tell you how much more and more he'll gain from learning to cope.
Learning how to deal with tough problems.....priceless.

"I'm going to ask you if you have a specific plan for LIFE."

That is a fair question; one that I haven't been asked before..my current 'plan' is just to survive each day for right now - take care of responsibilities for that day only; I can only take small bites of life at the moment. I'll take on tomorrow when I get there..Thinking too far in advance only triggers anxiety & I can only envision a dead-end future. My vision can only be near-sighted at the moment..

Nothing wrong with one day at a time.

There have been plenty of times in my life when that's the way it went. But I've slowly learned that it's important to do good things for myself, no matter what was going on in my life.....even if it was just a cup of tea. Happiness is sort of a habit, but it's not one that's easy to get. Much in my life has said that I wasn't good enough.

So make plans for just one day. Plan to think good thoughts for just one minute every couple hours. And yeah, I know, people that don't understand, won't understand just how hard that it, or what an accomplishment.

And seriously....think about the stuffed animal. I never slept with one as a kid, but I often sleep with one now, especially one that belongs to one of my kids when they're not here.

There's this other silly thing we do called The Kissing Hand. It's from a kid's book. The mother raccoon kissed her son's paw on his first day of school and told him to put it to his cheek whenever he needed it. At first I did it for my kids, then they turned around and did it for me.

It didn't change any of the bad things that happened in my life, but yet it changed everything... I can't explain it better than that. When I look back on those painful moments (days, months...), I still remember the pain, but I also remember the love. It took time for it to really work for me.

I hope you find something that can work for you.