My heart crumpled just reading this. If you did commit suicide, for the REST OF HIS LIFE, you son will think you didn't care enough about the fact that he NEEDED YOU. You don't want him to evenly remotely think that you'd rather be dead than be with him. Please don't commit suicide. Even though I've never met you, I care about you. I care about your struggles and your pain. I beseech you, please don't kill yourself.

if you are thinking suicide, you should go back to the hospital. that whole depression thing has to go.

Mal,

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Please continue to live for your son and yourself. Keep going to professionals for help.

You know how they tell young soon-to-be-mothers, regarding the pain of childbirth "don't worry, you'll forget how much it hurt"?

I haven't forgotten. It was physical agony. I tell expectant mothers, it's gonna hurt real bad, but, its a day of pain in exchange for the miracle of bringing a new little spirit into the world.

After my son was born, I felt such love and bonding with him, and knew after surviving an induced delivery with no pain management, I would be willing and able to withstand and endure just about anything for him.

So, this...this is what you are given to withstand for your son.

This is what life and the Universe has laid in your lap to learn how to either ,manage, or heal for his sake.

Having a child teaches all of us, if we're willing to learn, what it is to really put someone else's welfare ahead of your own wants and needs.

And I don't say that as a lecture, I say it as a gift...this one big huge lesson when you figure it out, is the one big gift you give to him...and by extension you.

You're a father now, your life not your own, the quality with which you live it, belongs to him too.

many big hugs

Perhaps if you addressed your health issues you might begin feeling better and can turn your life around. What kind of treatment are you getting for those things?

I agree with what SongInMyHeart said, should you take your own life, your son will forever feel abandoned or worse that in some way he was responsible. Suicide is not an option here.

JoyRide, your post was very touching. I hope it reached the original poster the way it reached me. Thank you for those words.

Thank you for your replies; everyone has cited that I need to be here for my son..I have been & will continue to be to the best of my abilities. Be advised that I made an attempt still living under the same roof. Imagine, if you will, the despair I will be faced when I'm living alone..I acknowledge being deficient in coping skills; depression magnifies an already difficult situation. Hell, I was depressed & manufactured stuff to worry about when things were good! Believing I will now have to endure a life of misery, bitterness, & lonliness just zaps any future outlook to look forward to even if my son is around. Further more hes not going to want to be around a severely depressed father; I doubt his mother would even want him to be around me in that state of mind knowing her..I have too many issues to deal with before I can be a good role model & I don't know if I have the will or mental fortitude..thanks for listening

all I can say is, a day of misery, but seeing my son is better than the eternal black nothingness of death

depression is no picnic,
thats fer damn sure

but it beats death anyday.

I know you are in a lot of pain, but I am a survivor of a father that killed himself when I was only 12. I became a drug addict for years and only was able to let go until I was almost 30. I felt betrayed and have had a hard time getting in a good relationship.

Please don't be selfish. Think of your son. I feel as if I got cheated out of my relationship with my father.
Get help right away and look for support groups. We all have tough times but they always pass. Things always get better. You will get to see your son if you stay positive.

again I ask, what are you doing to help yourself. I know depression is not something you can just snap out of. It requires professional help. What are YOU doing to see to that?

It has been my experience that if something isn't working you try something else. Who knows, living alone may just be something that will change your outlook. A change of scenery. A change of people

The day my children pulled away with their father--- leaving me alone in an empty apartment was one of the worst days of my life. I cried. I wailed. BUT, damnit, you do what *I* did, and you pick you ass up off of the floor, and you DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO CARRY ON FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR SON!!!!

YOU are selfish. Your son has a RIGHT to have his father on this earth!!! HE has a right to have your support, and love, and it is YOUR DUTY to get the help that YOU NEED ASAP to get yourself better. I am sorry for your pain, but your son is 11, and he is WATCHING YOU, and so it is your JOB to admit that you need help, get better, and SHOW him what a REAL MAN does for the sake of the people he loves and those who love him. GET HELP!!!

Misred,
I am getting therapy, taking anti-depressant meds, sleep aids, and I've joined local support groups; I am also looking into local divorcecare support groups to join..I admit not being as vigilant with managing my diabetes by eating 'comforting' (unhealthy) foods and not taking my insulin regularly; I also acknowledge not exercising consistantly.
I've lived alone before so I know what it's like; my concern is isolation..which I already have a tendancy to do now; currently having my son around helps me to 'snap-out-of-it'even if all we're doing is watching tv together..isolation is depression's best & most effective ally in it's quest to intensify & totally consume into deep despair..when that happens, all the irrational thoughts start to overwhelm me. Depression is also anger directed inward & I currently have an abundance of self hate. I have no friends & no family here locally for support..
Telling me suicide is selfish & not an option is like telling a chronic alcoholic to just stop drinking..this is an enduring, mentally fatiguing, process that requires round the clock awareness of my thought process - consciously analyzing all my negative thought's origins & relevance; then countering with some positive outlook. Bad habits aren't easily broken - again a process.
I'm here, fighting everyday for survival..

Okay thanks for filling me in. I think you are doing better than you think you are. For one you are reaching out. Second you are recognizing things that don't work for you, such as the living alone. You are going to have to force yourself to do some things you don't feel like doing. I like the fact that you have joined some support groups that will get you out of the house...which equals less isolation.

I had clinical depression for a little over 7 years. I empathize with you. I know what it is like to go to bed and wish not to wake up. If I was driving alone I would imagine myself driving into oncoming traffic or off bridges or into telephone poles. I got up every day because I had two children depending upon me. I forced myself to do things and interact with people. I'm only telling you these things because now I am off drugs (and have been for 3 years) and no longer feel hopeless. My life is ten times better now. What worked for me may not work for you. I won't try to tell you what to do. I just want you to know that I support you, feel your pain and that you do have a chance to overcome all this.

The prelude to my attempt was that I tried to self medicate via alcohol; I rationalized that a quick albiet temporary reprieve from my pain was worth the after-effects. However, once the 'high' wore off I found myself in deeper despair than I imagined & then a 'talk' with my wife just triggered the suicidal ideations beyond my control. No one envisions offing themselves especially at the expense of a loved one. I felt enslaved, vulnerable, completely helpless & hopeless - suicide seemed to be the only solution to ending the intensified emotional pain and mental anguish..
I am glad that you (Misred) are off of meds and are absent of hopelessness; it gives me some degree of hope that maybe one day I can get out of this deep dark pit I am in..

I get the alcohol part. It's human nature to try and find a quick fix and I applaud you for recognizing it's not or won't work for you.

As far as divorce I also have experience with that as well. I can tell you that even though it felt like a death and I went through all the stages of grief....I survived. Like I said, my life is much better now. It can be for you too. ((((HUGS)))) There are going to be important stages in your son's life you won't want to miss. My youngest child graduates high school this year. My oldest son still lives with me and last night he wanted to make a cheese cake. It was an instant mix and we were out of milk so he went to the corner store and got some. We made it together. That time together was priceless. The big bear hugs I get from him makes me float on air for days. Your son is at an age when he WANTS to be around you. Take advantage of that. When you get your own place you can cater to whatever the two of you want to do and enjoy it. Stay up all night. Drink out of the milk carton instead of a glass whatever it takes! Teach him cool dad stuff like how to skip rocks or use a blade of grass to whistle. If you don't know how, learn how together. Life is an adventure if you let it be one.